


The Hide-Away

by ArisHawthorne



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, blood tw, death tw, depression tw, mentions of hospitalization
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-03-20 08:51:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 64,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3644163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArisHawthorne/pseuds/ArisHawthorne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The CCG's Reaper didn't kill him and Kaneki takes it as a second chance to do something he never really thought he'd do.</p><p> </p><p>*ON HIATUS UNTIL THE REST OF CHAPTERS ARE COMPLETED AND BETAED. It may take awhile due to severe bouts of writing blocks;; I apologise for the inconvenience.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

Of all the things Kaneki pictured his life to become, the owner of a little coffee shop outside of Tokyo is definitely not one of them.

 

He tried to make it look homely. An entire wall is taken up by a massive bookshelf filled with titles from his own personal collection and even some manga that he found at a small discount store. It was a huge surprise that he was even able to get his things, not having paid his rent in the months that he had been away. Couches and chairs sit in groups right in front of the wall to those who came in to sit near the books. Three rows of tables and chairs took over the rest of the dining room so there was plenty of room for people to eat and socialize.

 

The only thing Kaneki was particularly picky about was the space where the coffee was made. He wanted it to be a work space that he was familiar with.

 

So, the set up was modeled after Antieku.

 

Song lyrics hung above the door leading to the back where the break room was. It was a song that he mainly could hear through his friend's head phones when they hung out. It was an English song but the words reminded him of the one promise he made to his friend.

 

“ _Just know you're not alone,_

_'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home.”_

 

Then there was the name. It was almost a play on words but he hoped that maybe the name itself would bring some sort of smile to his face whenever he pushed open the doors to the coffee shop every morning. In English the word itself means, “a place to which a person can retreat for safety, privacy, relaxation, or seclusion.” Sometimes he would mistakenly mispronounce the name and he would offer a smile to the customer who walked through the doors before apologizing.

 

“Sumimasen,” he would tell them. The apology always sounded rather sad but he tried to smile anyway. Sometimes he rubbed his chin out of habit. “I'm still learning how to pronounce it.”

 

The shop was small enough where he could run it himself if he really wanted to. After a few weeks people started coming in looking for work. Kaneki sat them down for interviews, tried getting to know them on a personal level without getting too close, and eventually he did hire someone.

 

Sometimes he's not sure if it's because the young girl reminds him of Hinami.

 

When all is said and done and it was after hours, he sent the young girl home for the night. He stayed behind to make sure everything was clean and ready for the shop to open for the next day. It's usually the only time during his work day that he's by himself to really think about how he got to _this_ point in his life. The memories of that night continued to haunt him-- the fire, his friend dead in his arms as he just kept _walking,_ the weight on his heart with every step he took.

 

Then there was the CCG's reaper. The reaper who didn't kill him.

 

A second chance. That's how he looked at it, or maybe even fate. Either way something told him that he needed to do this; make the shop a place where people could feel safe from the outside world.

 

A home away from home.

 

Once he finished up all of his evening chores he pulled the doors of the shop closed for the night and locked them. For a long moment Kaneki looked at the sign; stared at the first four letter word as a million memories flooded back to him. A smile appeared on his face and he turned away from the sign and started walking home.

 

He'd return to his coffee shop, The Hide-Away, in the morning.

 


	2. Your Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s almost a year since he first opened the doors to the coffee shop, and from that year alone Kaneki has built up a steady amount of customers. Many have come back just because, “they’ve never had coffee that good before,” or because, “everyone here is just so friendly, and welcoming.” It makes the white haired male feel proud of the name he’s built for himself in honor of his friend– he likes the idea that he can make people feel at home, much like Hide has made him feel in the past. But, it felt like something was missing, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’ve decided that I’m going to use song titles for the titles to the chapters… and you guys will eventually realize why I’m doing this, lol. Buuuut, spoilers. Also, I’m going to try weaving canon elements back into the story (Kanou’s lab… or rather, a variation of it), etc… because the manga canon was wonderful. xD

It was almost a year since he first opened the doors to the coffee shop and from that year alone Kaneki has built up a steady amount of customers. Many have come back just because, “they’ve never had coffee that good before,” or “everyone here is just so friendly, and welcoming.”

It made the white haired male feel  _proud_ of the name he’d built for himself in honor of his friend. He liked the idea that he can make people feel at home much like Hide has made him feel in the past.

But it felt like something was missing too. It didn’t matter how many late nights he stayed within the confines of his sanctuary, rearranging the books or the furniture. Obviously it was something the place was lacking and Kaneki almost brought himself to tears one night trying to figure it all out. Eventually he had to give up and go back to his apartment.

That morning it was like his mystery started to unravel. A pounding on his front door woke the white haired male from his slumber as he shuffled to the front door in a haze. He couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit confused when he greeted the man standing outside with a clipboard and pen in hand.

“Can I help you?” Kaneki’s voice was still sluggish as he let out a small shiver. His eyes averted to the moving truck sitting next to the curb behind him and he couldn’t help but to feel the curious. “I think you have the wrong apartment… I didn’t order anything.”

“You’re Kaneki Ken, right?” Kaneki raised a brow and nodded in response. “You’re a hard guy to find, Kaneki-san. Your name was on Hideyoshi Nagachika’s will. We moved all of his stuff from his apartment a little under a year ago and he left all of it to you.” The delivery man handed Kaneki a clipboard which he took into his shaky grasp.

He made out a Last Will and Testament– dated a month right before the raid on Antieku.

Two men brought up boxes from the truck and Kaneki moved aside so they could drop them into his living room as he continued to stare at the document. His chest and throat hurt as he tried not to cry.

“I’ll just need you to sign on the next page, just so we have documentation that you have received what was given to you.”

After signing it the man with the clipboard went to go help his partners. It took them thirty minutes to unload everything and leave and it took Kaneki a little over twenty minutes of just  _staring_ at the piles of boxes before he had the courage to go ahead and open them up.

The first few boxes were filled with what he was expecting to find–  _stuff_. Towels, kitchen utensils, and dishware. Then there was what seemed like an endless pile of boxes of just  _clothes_  that still smelled like him– sunflowers and something Kaneki could never quite put his finger on. But it was Hide and even though it’s been a year the hurt felt just as fresh as the day he lost him.

The closet in his room was so small that it barely fit his _own_ clothes, but he wanted these. He pulled out one of his shirts, and kept it close to him as he closed that box up and pushed it to the side.

An hour. He had an hour to sort through as many boxes as he could, find a place for the little bit of furniture they moved into his small space, and get to the coffee shop so he could open in time. It sounded easy enough, but Kaneki felt like he was being suffocated by memories, smells, and overcome with the feeling of painful nostalgia.

* * *

The rest of the day proceeded slowly and passed in a blur as his mind continued to nag at him about the boxes. It was like they were screaming of their existence in his head and they were so loud that he couldn’t focus on anything. After pouring too much water into the coffee maker and forgetting to grind the beans a few times, the white haired male eventually decided that enough was enough.

“I’ll be in my office,” he announced as he pulled the strings to the back of his apron. He kept it clutched in his hand as he walked to the back, before placing it gently onto the desk. Emotional exhaustion weighed heavily on his shoulders and it made him feel weak.

Weak because he felt like he shouldn’t feel that strongly over his friend’s death… especially when it happened over a year ago.

Yet… he still felt the kiss of the flames, Hide’s body turning a little bit colder with each passing second, and the overbearing feeling of loneliness that never really seemed to escape him. Maybe he was meant to be alone because everyone seemed to leave him in one way or another when he got too close.

 _I’ll just never open myself up to anyone else,_  Kaneki concluded as he laid his head down on the desk’s surface and slid his eyes closed.  _It’s safer for everyone that way._

After a few hours of seclusion there was a soft knock on the door.

“Tenchō?” He wanted to groan toward the voice outside the office trying to get his attention, but he immediately straightened himself up in the chair.

“Come in,” he replied, voice soft as he watched Tami peek her head into the room. She was the first person he hired and out of the three working there she seemed to be the most promising.

“There’s someone asking to speak to you… he’s looking for a job.”

“You can let him know that I’ll be right down.”  _Even though the last thing I really want to do is go downstairs._

The Hide-Away already had enough employees. Business was steady enough during the day where he only worked with one other worker. He was prepared to send that person away until he got into the dining area. His gaze fell upon the person standing in front of the counter.

“Huh? Kaneki?” Brown eyes loomed over the coffee shop owner in something between surprise, disbelief, and maybe even anger. “You’ve been gone… I thought you were dead. You… you _piss_ me off.”

“Nishio-senpai…” Kaneki’s voice dropped into silence and his gaze fell to the floor. Being so far out from Tokyo… and that was the _second_ person to locate him while he tried to remain in hiding.

 _So much for starting over with a clean slate_ , he thought bitterly.

“At least the name makes more sense,” the older male scoffed before taking a seat at the counter.

“Nishio-san,  _why_  are you here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how short the chapter is... I'm hoping that once the story really picks up... I'll have lot more to write about. But for now... it's honestly building up... which may take a few shorter chapters to do so, lol. 
> 
> Also, feedback is lovely... and it fuels me as a writer. :D


	3. Your Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't fight the small pang of jealousy. He'd tried supressing it, but just couldn't. Nishiki still had Kimi, and if Kaneki's assumptions were correct. Touka still had Yoriko. He'd lost his human companion, but he'd always figured he would always get the shit end of the stick anyway. He just wished it didn't have to affect Hide. Wishing wouldn't change the past though. Kaneki of all people knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, I sincerely apologise for how long it took me to update for this fic. In case you guys haven't been following the updates on my writing blog (http://motheroffirebreathingdragons.tumblr.com), I guess I can inform you guys on here that I did get a second job! Unfortunately, it means that I don't have as much time as I used to to write. But, I'm gonna try to keep you all updated on my fics as quickly as possible.

It didn't seem like much time had really passed when Nishio Nishiki walked back into Kaneki's life. Yet, somehow they both found themselves spending hours just talking to each other until well past closing time. It had remained dead, so Tami was sent home hours ago. That meant they could both dig deep, deeper into what happened over the past year.

 

“Tokyo just wasn't safe anymore,” Nishiki remarked, sipping slowly at his coffee as he leaned back in the chair. “That, and it was hard to stay away from Kimi, knowing she was still around. I thought if I could find a job outside the city... in a town where the CCG is practically non-existent-”

 

“Then you and Kimi could be together again,” Kaneki concluded, voice practically monotone as he pushed his third cup of coffee away from him.

 

He couldn't fight the small pang of jealousy. He'd tried supressing it, but just couldn't. Nishiki still had Kimi, and if Kaneki's assumptions were correct. Touka still had Yoriko. He'd lost his human companion, but he'd always figured he would always get the shit end of the stick anyway. He just wished it didn't have to affect Hide. Wishing wouldn't change the past though. Kaneki of all people knew that.

 

“Heh. Yeah... such a shame that I have to uproot my life. Just because humans are afraid of what they don't understand,” The brunette rolled his eyes in obvious annoyance before they settled back on the half-ghoul, “You know... everyone from Antieku thinks you're dead. Why haven't you reached out to anyone?”

 

“...Would it really matter,” The half ghoul frowned, “They should hate me, right? I joined Aogiri Tree... I did things I should have avoided. I- I made a wrong turn... an error in judgment.”

 

Kaneki thought about all the mistakes he'd made. All the reasons they should  **hate**  him. He thought about all the letters he'd written, only to throw them away before sending them. He thought about all the times he'd picked up the phone with plans to dial one of them up, only to set it back down or hang up before the call connected.

 

“So, that gives you the right to make people think you're gone,” Kaneki watched as Nishiki narrowed his eyes toward him, “That's rather shitty.”  

A shrug fell onto Kaneki's shoulders, because even if he went into depth it wouldn't matter. Nobody would really see it the same way he did, because the only person that could justify his actions was himself. Plus, if he told anyone the truth, he was almost sure that he would be looked at differently, especially after everything the CCG did to them. 

 

Just that thought alone sent shivers down his spine. How Arima refused to kill him, and how he traded months of freedom for even the smallest sliver of a chance that they could save Hide. The only reason Arima probably let Kaneki go was because he pitied him when he came into that small, white lab room to deliver news Kaneki wished he never would hear. 

 

“ _I'm sorry. Due to the lack of oxygen, your friend has been pronounced brain dead. The doctors did everything they could... he was just too far gone_.”

 

He pulled himself from the memory, wanting to cringe at how fresh the emotional wound still burned ( _throbbed_ ,  _bled_ ) whenever he thought of those words. It was like an echo that would never die off and a painful throb in his heart that would never subside. 

 

“When can you start, Nishio-senpai?” His voice sounded far more wounded then he anticipated, but it didn't seem like Nishiki noticed. “Tami-chan is very good with her job, but I have two newcomers that are learning the ropes. You have experience, and I need someone to train them when Tami isn’t working.”

It was faint, but Kaneki could make out the faintest smile on the other male's lips.

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

With one last goodbye to Nishio, Kaneki turned to lock up the coffee shop for the night. At least he could admit that he felt good about having him working in the Hide-Away, since he proved himself when he worked at Antieku. Maybe he could bring the atmosphere that thing it was lacking, which the male still couldn't put his finger on.

 

The coffee shop had coffee, books (even a few of the manga variation that Kaneki typically strayed away from) and a friendly staff.  _What was it missing_? Why was it so hard for him to figure out?

 

The keys in his hand jingled when he stuck the key ino the door, and was met again with the thing he was dreading most. The boxes. He averted his gaze away from them in a meager attempt to momentarily forget about them as he made his way up the stairs and into the bedroom.

 

It didn't work. The familiar fabric that he kept in his grasp most of the morning was laying right where he left it. A tired sigh escaped Kaneki's lips as he walked over to pick it up and then held it to his nose.

 

“Why Hide...?” He asked aloud, but sadly knew he would not recieve a response. The scent of the sweater filled the ghoul's nostrils as he took in the familiar and comforting smell.

 

Oh, what would he would  _give_  to be able to smell it coming directly from the source. His eyes burned with tears at the memories of all the times Hide would hold him close to comfort him and to desperately want to say what he felt about Hide for years only to keep himself silent. Maybe that wasn't fair to them both... maybe Hide should have known. Maybe he was an idiot for assuming they would stay friends and nothing more then that.

 

Maybe, because he was a coward... he'd ruined all the chances that he could have had Hide on nights that he felt the way he does now.

 

  
**Lonely**.

 

Still holding the sweater close to him, Kaneki curled up onto the bed and shut his eyes tightly. After the waves of emotional exhaustion that hit him like a bus with no brakes, sleep couldn't come fast enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to mah broodyblue for the beta reading! :'D
> 
> So... the next chapter is when Kaneki figures out what the coffee shop is missing? Can anyone guess what it is?
> 
> Feedback is always greatly appreciated!


	4. A Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He laid awake for hours, but time itself felt like it was blurring into a deep black pit. This was supposed to be a new start. It was supposed to replace the guilt, hatred, and dread within himself that he just wanted to leave behind. But nothing was that easy, was it? The boxes were proof of that; his past would forever follow him around like weights on his shoulders.

He laid awake for hours, but time itself felt like it was blurring into a deep black pit. This was supposed to be a new start. It was supposed to replace the guilt, hatred, and dread within himself that he just wanted to leave behind. But nothing was that easy, was it? The boxes were proof of that; his past would forever follow him around like weights on his shoulders.

 

Blackened nails dug into the fabric of Hide's sweater as he shut his eyes in yet another vain atttempt of falling into slumber. But it didn't work. The boxes nagged at him like whispers in the night of their existence. 

 

“It's been two weeks, K a n e k i. Aren't you going to open us up? Aren't you going to put away the things that once belonged to your dead best friend? What are you so afraid of? Are you scared that you'll find something unexpected... something that will throw you for a loop?”

 

The male's breath stutters as he loses the rhythm of his breathing. If it was easy, he would have just thrown a pillow over his head to drown out the voices, but they were coming from his own head; the voices were slithering in his ears like centipedes. 

 

Then the phone rang and every single hushed tone vanished into thin air like it didn't exist in the first place. Kaneki shivered at the sudden lack of noise, but raised a shaky hand to grip the phone on his nightstand.

 

“What?” Kaneki's voice came out ragged, and it sounded harsh even to his own ears. 

 

“What do you mean, 'what?'” Nishiki threw the harshness back at him with equal force. “It's Sunday. We were supposed to open an hour aho, and you have the keys. Where are you?”

 

“We're closing for the day,” Kaneki replied, wanting to wince at how weak  _ that _ sounded.

 

“Quit playing around, Kaneki! Do I have to drag you out of that damn apartment of yours myself? You have people working here that need the money! I need the money!How am I supposed to get Kimi here without the funds to do it?”

 

Perfect. Not only was he letting himself go nuts within the confines of his rented walls, but now he was letting his workers down, too. He lets a frustrated sigh escape his lips as he tries to give the ex-college student a good excuse for why he wanted the shop closed for the day. 

 

“Nishio-senpai... please. Just... stop,” He let the last word hanging, but didn't know how to fully complete his sentence. Instead, he clicks the end call button and pushes it away from him in defeat. 

 

Well. He closed the coffee shop. Maybe he could finally will himself to unpack so the voices would stop taunting him. Slowly, like there were a ton of bricks weighing his entire body down, the ghoul lifted himself from the bed.  He repeated the words in his head over and over like a mantra in his head; clinging to the words of encouragement like his sanity depended on it.

 

You can do this.

 

Gray eyes fixated on the endless piles in front of him and he forced himself to move forward; to cut open the first box and peek inside at its contents.

 

There was a letter, right on the top of an assortment of DVDs and CDs. The front of the thick envelope had a cartoon version of himself drawn on the top, along with his name written in Hide's usual chicken scratch handwriting. Curiosity ate away at him and he couldn't help but to immediately open the envelope, and unleash its contents. 

 

_ Yo Kaneki!~ _

 

_ Well, this is probably the worst thing I'll ever have to write, huh? A letter that you'll probably never get, or that you recieve when I'm gone. I sort of hope you do get it though, because knowing you... you're probably blaming yourself for whatever happened to me-- and I swear if you're doing that, I will slap you from the afterlife. _

 

_ There's a few reasons I want you to read this though-- so I guess I'll start my list. _

 

_ For starters, I know. I know you're a ghoul. The how and why doesn't matter. You're still my best friend, Kaneki-- that won't change. Just... don't starve yourself. I know that sounds bad somehow... but if killing people if the only way for you to survive then you can't be blamed for that. _

 

_ Just... please take care of yourself. _

 

_ Secondly, but I'm sure you know about this by now-- your rent is paid for the next several months. All of your books and stuff is all safe and sound. I know how much those books mean to you... I wanted to make sure you still had the one hobby that made you happy. _

 

Kaneki already figured that Hide was the reason his apartment was left untouched after months of not paying his rent. Gray irises wet with unshed tears averted over to the bookshelf sitting against the wall to his living room as a sad smile played at his lips.

 

“Arigato, Hide,” Kaneki said aloud, not expecting a response before he returned to the letter.

 

_ So, the next thing I'm about to write is kind of a stupid request, I guess. Oh well. Can you take care of my MP3 player? It's in this box, probably buried by a hundred or so DVDs. I put it into a smaller box with my headphones. There's 64 gigs of music on there, Dude. Don't let it go to waste... when you miss me, listen to it. There's hundreds of songs on there that got me through a lot of things I thought I would never get through. Maybe you'll listen to it when you miss me, or when you're going through a rough time.  _

 

_ Now, the last thing... this is hard for me to write, even now. I should have said something, and I know if I get the oppertunity in person to get it off my chest, I'll chicken out of it again. I wish this wasn't unfair to you...I wish I wasn't so scared to just tell you. _

 

_ We're friends, Kaneki. You were the first person to accept me when I first moved to Tokyo (even if I had to be the one to initiate our first conversation) and ever since then I cared about you. But, somewhere in all those years of caring throughout our friendship... something changed. The way I felt about you changed. Sometimes I just wanted to grab your hand and hold it when we were walking to school. Sometimes... I wanted to kiss you, too. _

 

_ I guess this is my way of saying that I liked you. No... I love you. I'm done keeping that from you. The feelings are probably not returned, and that's okay.But you have a right to know. I'm sorry I kept it from you, and that I was too scared of losing you to say it to your face.  _

 

_ I guess I'll make that my closing statement. I'll catch you on the flip side one day, Ken. But until then-- find happiness, and someone who loves you as much as I do. _

 

_ -Hide. _

 

The longest time after he finished the letter, he continued to stare at it. It felt like his heart was being broken over, and over again. Kaneki didn't know what to feel worse over; the fact that Hide died not knowing that he felt the same way, or that if one of them had said something to the other... they could have been something more then just friends. 

 

Finally, after months of just trying to keep his composure and pretend that he was okay, something in Kaneki broke beyond repair. He was in hysterics while he tore through the box for the smaller box containing Hide's most prized possession. It was turned off and locked with a switch on the side, but Kaneki switched it on and back to life after being shut down for more then a year. But Kaneki couldn't tear his eyes away from the background-- a picture of the two of them from their high school field trip to an amusement park 30 miles outside of Tokyo. It was the first time Kaneki had ever been on not just a roller coaster, but also a class trip. Hide paid for his ticket and quite a few other necessities without asking for anything in return. It was probably the first time since his mother died that Kaneki had any fun, even if he was a nervous wreck over going onto his first roller coaster.

 

He wanted that time back... it wasn't fair how fast it went, and that even though it was several years ago he could still remember it like yesterday. How Hide shared both his meals with him that day knowing that Kaneki had no money after giving his aunt everything he had just two days prior, and how Hide kept reassuring him that the rides weren't so scary after you got them done and over with. It was weird thinking back now how close they used to sit with eachother, and how close they would get without ever saying anything to eachother about how they felt. 

 

The ghoul was so lost in thought that he didn't notice the jingle of keys as his front door was unlocked, or the heavy footsteps that sounded in the doorway that got louder as they stopped right in front of the archway to his living room. Nishiki looked down at him sitting on the floor with the MP3 player tightly in his grasp; voice open ready to complain about how he lost half a day's pay so far, but stopped when he noticed the tears running down Kaneki's flushed face, and the soft cries that continued to pour from the other male's lips. 

 

“I-I can't, N-Nishio,” Kaneki admitted, finally looking up from the music player to look at Nishiki. “I-It's t-too mu-much. I... I-I can't do it a-a-alone.”

 

“What are you talking about, Kaneki? What is all of this?” He walked into the living room and kneeled by Kaneki's trembling form, not quite sure how to initiate any sort of comforting contact. He settled for a hand on Ken's shoulder, which Kaneki didn't seem to notice as he brought his knees up to his chest. 

 

It was hard to hear him; his voice was muffled by his mouth being pushed into his legs, but Kaneki told him everything. Hide's death, the deal he made with the CCG in exchange for Hide's life, how he built the Hide-Away as a place to literally shield himself from his past in Tokyo, and finally got to the part about having all the boxes delivered.

 

“P-Please help m-me,” Kaneki begged. “I'm s-so tired of h-having to d-do th-things on m-my own.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, comments/suggestions/things of that nature are very much appreciated. <3


	5. Heartbreak Dreamer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It dawns on him several days later, after all the boxes are unpacked and everything is crammed into places around his apartment that he realizes the answer to his question. What was the Hide-Away missing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended for this chapter to be a lot longer then this, but I just love how I ended it. But... good news, because this chapter ended where it did... the next chapter is going to be a lot longer. :D

It dawns on him several days later, after all the boxes are unpacked and everything is crammed into places around his apartment that he realizes the answer to his question.

 

What was the Hide-Away missing?

 

Music. It was missing Hide's music.

 

Kaneki spent two days sorting through the music on his MP3 player; pulling songs and placing them into a playlist that was soft enough to be played in the shop without it being disruptive. Hide always had a knack for listening to music in English, so Kaneki wasn't entirely sure of the music's content most of the time. The words could slide through, and most of the songs were slow enough that they just blended into the background of the shop.

 

He realized after a good few weeks that customers started catching onto the fact that the instrumental music that he was used to play was gone.

 

“I like this music better,” one lady, a regular of the Hide-Away, told him as she took a sip of her coffee. “It matches the theme of your establishment...that English vibe.”

 

Her comments made him smile, it was probably the first genuine smile he has had in a long time. The coffee shop really felt like home now, and that was something Kaneki could feel proud of.

 

His apartment was still a major disarray of boxes and other odds and ends that didn't seem to fit anywhere else. Hide had  _way_ too many movies that took up the open room that Kaneki once had on his bookshelves. Twenty or so of the DVDs that didn't fit were now sitting like towers next to his TV stand with CD cases to accompany them.

 

The only things Hide had that Kaneki had none of was kitchen items, which were basically deemed useless but Kaneki didn't have the heart to throw them away. The pots and pans that Hide did have were a really nice set-- items his parents bought him before he went away for his first year of college.

 

Then, there were all the clothes. Kaneki still questioned why his friend had so many; did Hide ever get rid of any of them? There were five boxes of clothing articles and he gave up after trying to unpack the first two.

 

Maybe keeping them contained would help the smell stay longer.

 

He unboxed a few shirts and threw them into the top drawer of his dresser, but kept the same sweater that he was holding onto on his bed. The scent makes him feel warm somehow. Protected. Comforted. Some of the time he even wore it and rucked up the neckline to his nose and fell asleep that way. Maybe when the sweater finally lost its scent he would wear it, or donate it to someone else who needed the extra clothing more then he did.

 

But for now, he had something to help lull him to sleep when the nightmares got too heavy.

 

A few nights after Kaneki and Nishiki unpacked all the boxes they could, they were closing the coffee shop together in a comfortable silence. The dirty blonde waited for Kaneki to finish counting the cash in the drawer to deposit it to the safe before asking if he could leave for the night.

 

“Nishio-senpai... can I ask you something? I need your opinion.” Kaneki scribbled something onto an envelope before placing it into the safe. “Would you mind walking to the back with me?” He answered his boss with a nod before following him through the back door and into his office, which Kaneki shut tight behind them.

 

“Must be serious if we're back here.”

 

“It is. It's not something I can risk having other people overhear somehow. But... I've been thinking lately. Yoshimura-san helped a lot of other ghouls when he created Antieku, and with it gone now I'm worried that there's no place for ghouls to come for help anymore. I know that this place is outside the city, but I want to do something. I've wanted the Hide-Away to be a place where everybody could feel safe, but what about the ghouls who can't hunt?” Kaneki went to sit down in his chair and pulled out a few badly drawn blue prints from the top drawer. “I want to make the closet in here a walk in fridge... I want to make it known throughout the ghoul community that there's a place around here that can offer assistance to those who need it.”

 

He didn't expect Nishiki to be on board with his idea, but he needed someone to tell him that he was plotting something that could become a danger to not only them, but his staff and any ghouls who lived in the area. It could even effect Kimi's safety too, which completely defeated the purpose of Nishiki moving there in the first place. But the more Kaneki pondered the idea that he was given a second chance, the more he thought about what he wanted to _do_ with it. He could continue on with selling coffee and living in the safety of a small town without a CCG building around.

 

Or, he could do something that helped out others, and he was starting to lean more toward that than anything.

 

“I've done a lot of damage when I joined Aogiri Tree... sometimes I even wonder why I joined in the first place. My actions were... clouded, I guess.” Kaneki offered a sad smile. “I want to rectify my mistakes now.”

 

“It won't be easy,” Nishiki began, before taking a seat in front of Kaneki's desk. “For starters, we're gonna need help. I'm not about to offer my help unless I know we're going to be safe doing it.”

 

“I can't guarantee anyone's safety.” After what happened to Antieku, it would have been stupid to even try.

 

“Well then you need to find outside help,” Nishiki reached into his pocket, and pulled out his cell phone. “Luckily for you, I still have a few connections to get you started. I just have one question before I press the call button.” Kaneki raised a brow in question, but didn't give Nishiki a vocal answer. Instead he waited for Nishiki to continue.

 

“How much of your past are you hoping to keep behind you?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's gonna be a few familiar faces appearing in the next chapter. ;D


	6. Uprising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing quite like feeling like a bundle of nerves the entire morning you're expecting a visitor you haven't seen in over a year. From the moment Nishiki and Kaneki walked into the coffee shop with Tami (who they scheduled to work the front for the entire morning), Kaneki tried to busy himself with everything; from cleaning off the table tops, to fixing the cushions on the couch and straightening the bookshelf. After an hour or so of sweeping through to make sure everything was perfect, Nishiki started to laugh at him from behind the counter.
> 
> “You're nervous, Kaneki-kun...”

There's nothing quite like feeling like a bundle of nerves the entire morning you're expecting a visitor you haven't seen in over a year. From the moment Nishiki and Kaneki walked into the coffee shop with Tami (who they scheduled to work the front for the entire morning), Kaneki tried to busy himself with everything; from cleaning off the table tops, to fixing the cushions on the couch and straightening the bookshelf. After an hour or so of sweeping through to make sure everything was perfect, Nishiki started to laugh at him from behind the counter.

 

“You're nervous, Kaneki-kun...” The blonde only laughed harder when Kaneki threw an annoyed look in his direction, and continued to straighten up the shelves. “I'm curious, why are you freaking out about seeing-”

 

“Because of the way I left things. I didn't exactly give anyone a proper goodbye.” It was all because in the only moment where he could reach back out to the people he cared about, he faltered and closed in on himself. Then, he ran, because leaving without a trace while keeping them safe was much worse then sticking around and getting them hurt somehow. “Tami-chan, can you check the cups and make sure they're properly cleaned?”

 

As Tami gave her boss a small nod, Nishiki walked over to him. He lightly tapped Kaneki on the shoulder and leaned in close to whisper into his ear.

 

“Are you aware that Tami isn't human?”

 

“I assumed not,” Kaneki replied. “I didn't see how that would make a difference, at least not until I came up with the future plans for the Hide-Away.” A shrug falls onto his shoulders as he finally takes a seat at one of the tables and gestures for Nishiki to sit across from him. “It's good to know for sure of what she is though-- I think she grew up here. She could probably spread the word about what we're doing here to the rest of the ghoul community.” They both look over at Tami, who was so focused on the task in hand that their hushed whispers didn't seem to even affect her.

 

Good, because Kaneki wanted to bring up his intentions to her professionally to begin with.

 

The Hide-Away wasn't supposed to open for another hour, so once everything was ready for their guests the three of them sat together at one of the tables with coffee cups. They carried on with small talk about the weather, how many people they should probably expect on a slow Tuesday morning until the small jingle of the door's bell silenced them all. Slowly, Kaneki turned his attention to the front door and found himself utterly lost for words.

 

She stared back at him blankly, probably not sure how to react as she neared closer to them both. Hesitantly, she reached out a hand to the front of Kaneki's cheek as if she waschecking to make sure she wasn't imagining things. The gentle feeling of her skin against his should have felt like scorching heat. It shouldn't have felt that _good_.

 

“Touka...chan.” The name sounds foreign on his lips as he said it aloud. Kaneki hasn't mentioned her name in a long time, and the way his voice practically cracked in acknowledgment was proof of that.

 

“Kaneki...” Her voice sounded just as conflicted as his did, but teetering more toward being angry than anything else. It follows with a resounding 'SLAP' followed by the feeling he was expecting in the first place.

 

Scorching heat that lit up the minute her hand lifted from his face and smacked right back against it.

 

“You deserved that,” she replied, matter-of-factly as she crossed her arms. “After everything that night, I thought-”

 

“Not here, Shitty Touka” Nishiki replied, gesturing to the door. “We'll be expecting customers soon. We should move to the back.”

 

“Nishiki-kun is right.” Everyone turned toward Yomo as he came in moments after. “This isn't something we can just let slip to the public.”

 

+++

 

“Well you obviously have most of Yoshimura's ideals mapped out very well.” Yomo sat across from Kaneki at his desk, looking over the rough blue prints Kaneki had shown Nishiki beforehand, and all the notes of what he wanted scrawled on loose leaf paper. “The only thing you haven't brought up is... protection and defense of the area.” Kaneki nodded slowly, reaching out for the pad of post it notes in front of him to take down additional notes.

 

“What will I need?”

 

“More then just Nishiki-kun, and your other employee. You will need to build a team-- people to help run the coffee shop and defend the area that the Hide-Away stands on. It took a long time for us to secure the 24th Ward, and keep anyone from hunting humans within the territory.”

 

“That will be difficult.” Kaneki's mouth turns downward in a frown as he ponders over how he should proceed with his plans. “I'm still not really familiar with the area, or the people. The only residents I know of are my customers.”

 

“That's a starting point, then,” Touka finally joined the conversation, even though she still seemed just as angry as she was from before. “If you get to know your customers, you'll be able to later figure out how many of them are ghouls, and humans. Besides-” She removed herself from leaning against the far wall to stand beside Yomo. “I may know someone who is willing to help out. Maybe he'll be less worthless then he is right now... it may even pull him out from his severe depression.”

 

“Touka-chan, I don't-” Yomo was cut off by Touka holding up a hand in silence.

 

“He's going to need all the help he can get, especially since this'll be the most we can actually do for him. Kaneki owes it to him anyway, since he's entirely the cause of his current state.”

 

Kaneki quirked up an eyebrow in question. What exactly was Touka blaming him for, and who was she even talking about?

 

“Plus, he has contacts... perhaps more people that can actually move out here temporarily to get him on his feet until he can build up his own team of people.” Touka was already pulling out her phone as she spoke; fingers quick as lightning against the keypad.

 

“You will also need someone who did... my job. Somebody who can retrieve the dead and store them for the ghouls who can't hunt for themselves. Have you found a place where people...”

 

“Yeah. It's a few miles outside of town.” He stumbled across the knowledge of what is known as 'suicide bridge' completely on accident. According to many of the people that bring it up in the coffee shop, the land is haunted by those that have taken their lives there. Many don't venture off there unless its to end their lives. Later on he went out there to see it for himself, and a few corpses already littered the ground below him.

 

“Good,” Yomo replied. “Figure out the things your plan is lacking, and then we can start getting everything else set up.” The older male stood up from the chair and offered a singular nod to Touka, who went to take his seat as he left the room. She turned toward Nishiki, who was already shutting the door behind them. The pair were alone in the office, which made Kaneki feel more on edge then what was probably necessary.

 

“Now that all the business stuff is taken care of, I can get down to the bottom of why I'm really here.” Pushing herself forward in the chair, she placed her hands nervously in her lap as she looked at Kaneki once more. “What happened to you that night? We... _I_ thought you were dead. Rumors spread around Tokyo about how the Reaper single handedly took down 'the _Gantai_.' We all mourned for you... and you've been alive this entire time!”

 

“Touka... chan.” Kaneki tore his gaze away from her as he stood up and gazed outside the window behind him. “I have nothing to tell you that could even begin to convey how _sorry_ I am for not reaching back out to you... but to be fair I didn't think I was going to be alive much longer.”

 

“What do you-”

 

“I wanted them to kill me,” They were dead words that didn't hold as much meaning as the thoughts that traveled through his mind for months after Hide's death. “If they didn't...I was going to do it myself. I made a deal with the Reaper that night... to let Hide live in place of me. But they didn't kill me. I was knocked unconcious and in between moments of sleep and semi-conciousness for months after that. They kept me locked in Cochlea while they tried to bring Hide back.”

 

“Did they bring him back?”

 

“No.” It didn't matter how many times he recited these words in his head beforehand; it still hurt just as much as it did when Arima told him the news himself. “He was declared brain dead. He was still alive when I carried him out of Antieku, but he died in my arms as I brought him to the CCG. He lost too much oxygen to the brain... and then there was no way they could bring him back. Afterwards, they performed their own experiments on me and let me go. At first they weren't going to let me go, but I convinced Arima Kishou that I was going to end my life on my own terms.”

 

“Kaneki...” He could hear her get up from the chair, and felt her hands snake around his waist from behind. “I shouldn't have slapped you... I didn't know.”

 

“It doesn't matter, Touka-chan.” He turns around so that he can face her. “I found a reason to carry on... after all the damage I've done by joining Aogiri Tree... I can make things right with the Hide-Away.” He cant help the small smile that plays at his lips. “It's something that would have made Hide happy, and that's my reason for carrying on.”


	7. Interlude: Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning started off as usual-- wake up, get dressed, look presentable, slap on a smile and go to work. It was routine at this point. Also just like every morning that he has spent in the Chateau so far, his roommates pestered him about making them breakfast. He just laughed in response and scratched his cheek in light embarrassment.

The morning started off as usual-- wake up, get dressed, look presentable, slap on a smile and go to work. It was routine at this point. Also just like every morning that he has spent in the Chateau so far, his roommates pestered him about making them breakfast. He just laughed in response and scratched his cheek in light embarrassment.

 

“I can't cook!” He replied, light chuckles continuing to softly cascade from his smiling lips. “Why don't you cook for yourselves? At least you could tell what it actually is supposed to taste like..”

 

That morning may have started off the same way it always did, but somewhere around mid morning, something seemed off. He could sense it in the way Akira and Arima have been speaking to each other in the meeting room all morning and wouldn't tell anyone else what their discussion was about. He could have tried to figure it out for himself, but instead chose to focus on his daily tasks before he had to report to the medical bay on the second floor.

 

Something that he dreaded, once he was actually on the elevator and then eventually walking through the doors.

 

“Ah, you're right on time.” The doctor peered at him from behind the lenses of his glasses and gestured to the examination bed. “You can have a seat.”

 

He felt too sick to offer a verbal response; he hated visiting the medical bay ever since he began recovering from his surgery. Something about all the needles hooked into his arms and tubes connecting him to the various machines set him on edge about even visiting for checkups. Hesitantly, he climbed up onto the bed, and slightly flinched when the doctor got up from his seat.

 

“How are you feeling today, Nagachika-san?”

 

“Heh. I'd feel a lot better if you told me there was going to be no needles today.” He scratched the back of his head with a sheepish smile on his face. “But there's really no chance of that, is there?”

 

++

 

Hours later, and Hide was still rubbing at the sore patch of skin that was more then irritated from the specialized needle the doctor stuck into his flesh. It was hard to remain focused on much else with such an annoyance, so he opted to sit at his desk until his morning shift ended and he could go home. It wasn't until Arima Kishou walked up to his desk that any hopes of a peaceful afternoon faded.

 

“Nagachika-kun, I need to to come with me. I have a few things I'd like to speak to you about, and they're rather important.” It felt like a million eyes were on them both as Hide stood up from his computer chair and followed the older male out into the hallway. It made him question whether or not the meeting from earlier was about him, and something about that set him on edge.

 

They kept secrets. From the moment he woke up in the medical bay with a tube stuck down his throat to help assist him in breathing, he had questions. How was he alive, how was he saved, who saved him? He could remember the frantic panic attack he suffered from trying to free his arms from the restraints around his wrists as he tried to reach for the tube. Weak. Every movement of his arms and labored breathing was in slow motion, save for his heart which felt like it would beat out of his chest at any given moment.

 

“ _Oh my_ -!” He could remember barely being able to see whoever it was who entered the room through the cloud of tears that threatened to escape his eyes. “ _Hey, listen to me. Do you remember me_? _My name is Akira Mado... you're in the CCG building, and you're recovering from surgery. Try not to thrash around so much... I'm going to get Washuu_.”

 

From there, he was told only one answer to the questions he couldn't even ask (they said he wasn't ready to have the tube removed at that point). His body was altered through an experimental procedure. Much like the Kaneki went through, the CCG implanted a kagune into him from one of the ghouls rotting away in Cochlea. He was made into a ghoul, and had to suffer with that new found knowledge for weeks.

 

He was a half ghoul, and Washuu, his father, signed off the approval for that to be done to him.

 

Hide had an entire year to adjust, though. He continued going to school for his degree in International Studies and worked part time at the CCG while he continued to take classes in English. It was still a never ending struggle for him to actually see what he was eating, and more often then not he was presented with his “food” in a Styrofoam cup so he didn't have to pay any mind to it.

 

It wasn't long after that that the CCG came up with the plans to create a squad that he could mentor.

 

The Quinx squad.

 

Maybe Arima had a new proposal to pass his way concerning his leadership role?

 

Arima led him into the meeting room, and gestured to the chair in front of him. His father was seated next to him with Akira across from him.

 

“This must be serious if you're all here,” he mused, with a small smile as he took his seat.

 

“I think what we're about to discuss is something that is important to you, specifically,” Akira remarked, as she handed him a folder. The label on the side had a name, and it took everything in Hide to not get choked up over what was listed there.

 

 **金木 研** **-** **眼帯**

 

“Why are you doing this?” He asked, after taking a moment to make sure his voice wouldn't crack. “What does he have to do with any of this?” Hide remembered asking about his friend before, and how everyone he asked dismissed by telling him that he was never found. It was hard to believe the line of bullshit they were feeding him, but Hide never pressed on the matter. If Kaneki was gone and never came back or thought to even write him, then maybe he left for the same reasons he did before?

 

“It's been over a year since you woke up, Son.” Washuu placed a hand over the top of the folder and flipped it to the top page. “You've improved tremendously with your schooling and your work ethic, and I think you've had more then enough time to heal. We all decided that you should know the truth of what happened to you, and to him as well.”

 

It was hard for Hide to remember everything from the Antieku Raid, but the one thing he could remember was getting hurt and then finding Kaneki. It was hard to forget the stabbing pain that scorched through his entire body with every step as he carried his friend back to the coffee shop, and how he desperately tried to keep his composure just so he could see Kaneki _smile_ one last time.

 

Then, he could remember heat. It surrounded him. Everything after that was a blur.

 

“He carried you to us. You were already gone when he begged us to take you in, and save you. Kaneki-san... exchanged his life for yours.”

 

 _No_.

 

“Y-you didn't...” Hide's voice trailed off as he rose a hand to his mouth. Finally, he willed himself to look down at the stamped page starting at him from the table. His stomach was turning as he read the same word over and over again, and was trying to keep himself from screaming.

 

 **DECEASED**.

 

“W-Who killed him?” Stupid question, he already knew the answer. “It was you... wasn't it, Arima-san? Y-You killed my best friend.”

 

“Would it make you feel any better if I told you the answer to that?” Arima pushed his glasses up, and then folded his hands on the table. “Would it matter if I began listing off everything he has done while working for the Aogiri Tree? He was going to eventually be put down for his crimes, Nagachika-kun.”

 

Without another word, Hide pushed himself from the chair and pushed the folder shut. There wasn't much more news he could take from them.

 

“Hideyoshi-kun... we wanted you to know before we made you an offer.” The blonde stopped in his tracks with a hand on the doorknob. “Now that you've earned your degree and you have experience in the CCG, we've decided that you're more then ready to move to the CCG branch located in New York City.”

 

 _Damn him_ , Hide thought to himself as he blinked back tears. His father knew more then anybody how badly he wanted to go to America one day, and now he was try playing it to his advantage.

 

“Good.” The blonde turned to look at all of them, but then settled his focus on Arima. “Transfer me then. I want to work somewhere where I won't have to look at the man who singlehandedly took the life of somebody who I cared deeply for. I want to be on the next available plane.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is unbeta-ed, and if I waited to get it beta-ed I would have had to wait till I got home from work. I'm impatient, and I've been sitting on this reveal for EVER... so it's currently un-betaed until I can have my friend check it over.


	8. Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this sight was familiar.“Please… please, don’t hurt me.” This kid was probably still in high school, and the girl who was currently leaning over him licking her lips was probably around the same age . She had her hands fisted into the front of his shirt as tears poured from his eyes.
> 
> “Why… not ?” A small snort came out from her mouth, obviously humored by the smallest amount of struggle that was coming from her next meal. “You’re not too lean, or too fatty… why… you’re absolutely perfect. I can’t wait to dig into you…”

( _One Month Later_.)

Well, this sight was familiar.

“Please… please, don’t hurt me.” This kid was probably still in high school, and the girl who was currently leaning over him licking her lips was probably around the same age  . She had her hands fisted into the front of his shirt as tears poured from his eyes.  
  
“Why…  _not_  ?” A small snort came out from her mouth, obviously humored by the smallest amount of struggle that was coming from her next meal. “You’re not too lean, or too fatty… why… you’re absolutely perfect. I can’t wait to dig into you…”  
  
Kaneki watched from his perch as she brought out the kagune from her left shoulder and wrapped it tightly around the male’s torso.  
  
“Stop.” Might as well make himself known before more damage was done; he’s already seen enough to know what was going on before revealing himself.   
  


With the last minute make shift mask tied tightly around the back of his head, he dropped down to the ground with a small thud. He watched as she turned around and dropped her apparent date to the ground.  
  
“It’s impolite to interrupt during meal time, she replied, with a small sigh. He didn’t move a single inch as she overlooked him with crimson eyes.  
  
“You’re within the bounds of my territory.” Or rather, what he was about to make his territory. “There will be no hunting within 80 kilometers of here anymore.”  
  
“Oh yeah.  _Tt_  . Said who, exactly?” A smirk appeared on her face as the boy groaned behind her.   
  
It angered Kaneki that he even had to deal with something like this, especially on his first night out. It hit too close to home– it made him remember every single horrifying detail of the night he was attacked by Rize. The memory of her voice was practically playing in his ears in small whispers.  
  
 _There’s something I like even more then reading._

 _Would you like to know?_ _Tearing apart the organs of someone who isn’t trying to escape from me is most enjoyable.  
_  
                    I’m going to gently scramble up your intestines now.

It shouldn’t have triggered him like this, and even as he slid his eyes closed to block out the voices coming from inside his own head, it continued to carry on.  
  
“We do.” Oh right. He wasn’t alone in this, was he? “I may not be much of a fighter, but I’m sure I could handle stopping you.” Kaneki could feel a hand tap onto his shoulder, which somehow helped to quiet his mind. “After all, I’m his shield.”  
  
“Moi aussie…” Kaneki didn’t have to turn around to know who was speaking. “I’m his  _sword_  .”  
  
Tsukiyama Shuu. Not somebody who Kaneki even considered to ever work with, but he seemed to prove himself quite well over the last two weeks (even if he was still keeping his guard up). He seemed to lack a certain spirit that he had before, even if he was slowly starting to become himself again.  
  
Banjou Kazuchi, and Kanae Von Rosewald followed him after hearing that Kaneki was in desperate need of people to aid him in his plans. He was still weary of Kanae since he didn’t know him as well, but having Banjou around was a welcomed change.  
  
“So.” Tsukiyama snaps his finger and lets the kagune wrap around his arm. “Would you like to run now or later, Mademoiselle?”  
  
Kaneki had to hand it to her… she tried to fight back. She released the boy from her kagune’s grasp so he could slump down to the ground in a feeble position and convulse into non stop shaking. She was no match for three against one though, and ended up backing out from the fight.  
  
All that was left to deal with now was the human. Would he even be able to respond through all the trembling? Kaneki got onto his knees and brushed a hand gently to the boy’s shoulder.  
  
“It’s okay. You’re safe now. Can you tell me your name?” A unsteady hand reached up to the one Kaneki had resting on his shoulder, as if checking to make sure he was real.  
  
“Shi-Shiori…” Tears were threatening to spill from his brown eyes, and shut them tightly. “I…It hurts.”  
  
His eyes lingered away from his face, as he inspected the damage. Shiori’s shirt was rucked up to his upper waist, where Kaneki could see that his skin was severely aggravated. Bruises were going to form later, that much he was sure of. Kanae crouched beside them both and brought the shirt up higher.  
  
“He could have broken lower ribs… from the looks of it, she was squeezing quite tightly.” He pressed his pointer and index finger into an area where it looked the most wounded, which elicited a pained gasp from the hurt boy. “At the very least, it’s sprained. There’s not much we can do… I’d say we should drop him off at the hosp-”  
  
“Shirori-san.” Carefully, as if he was made of fragile glass, Kaneki helped Shiori into a sitting position. He still shook from under Kaneki’s touch. “Do you live with anyone that can get you some help.” He waited for the younger male to nod his head slowly.  
  
Banjou and Tsukiyama came up from behind to listen in one what was going on.  
  
“Tsukiyama and Kanae, I want you two to continue patrolling the area. Banjou and I will take him home.”

* * *

  
That was how they met Shiori.

  
Kaneki never expected that he would ever see Shiori again, but he started coming into the Hide-Away with a group of friends, and then a month or so later, by himself. It took a great deal of self restraint to not go over to the boy and ask him how he was doing since the night they found him, but Kaneki burned with curiosity over it. When it wasn’t busy, the white haired male would catch the younger male sneaking glimpses at him and then hiding his face behind his laptop or book.

  
He decided to bring it up one night while everyone was cleaning up for the night, and everyone seemed to brush it off. They’ve offered all kinds of different answers to his concerns, but the biggest was coincidence.

  
“There’s no way he knows who you, or any of us are,” Banjou said, flipping one of the chairs up onto the table. “We were all masked that night.”

  
“Master Tsukiyama said that we need to do something about the mask situation, by the way.” Kanae was wiping off the windows as he offered his remark, but didn’t bother with paying them any eye contact. “According to him, your masks are beyond ugly and a complete eye sore.”

  
“But I worked so hard on those!” Banjou folded his arms across himself in disappointment. “Masks aren’t easy to make you know.”

  
“Where is Tsukiyama, anyhow?” Truth be told, he hasn’t seen Tsukiyama in a few days. Sure, he wasn’t allowed to live above the coffee shop like Banjou was given permission to… but he’s been absent during many of their evening discussions and patrols. To be frank, it grinded at Kaneki’s gears that the Gourmet hasn’t even given notice that he wouldn’t be around.

  
“He hasn’t been feeling too well, and asked me to pass along any useful information that he has missed out on. Was there something you wanted me to tell him,  _Herr_?”

  
“No. I’ll tell him myself. Where is he staying.”

  
“I don’t think Master Shuu-”

  
“That wasn’t a question.” He placed the wash cloth down onto the counter, and turned so he could address everyone in the room. “I am more then grateful to everyone standing in this room right now. But I need to know that we’re all here as some sort of  _team_. Everyone working for the Hide-Away is important somehow, and if someone doesn’t show up… it’s going to effect us all. I need to know that I can at least trust you all with that. Now, I’m going to go tell Tsukiyama that same exact thing… I need that address, Kanae. Now.”

  
The servant let out a sigh of defeat and gestured to the front door with his hand.

  
“After you,” he replied. Before going out the door, Kaneki walked over to Nishiki and placed a ring of keys in his hand.

  
“Lock up when you’re all done. Make sure I get the keys back tomorrow.”

* * *

The entire walk to Tsukiyama’s place of current residence was in complete silence, which Kaneki could only assume was because Kanae didn’t like being told what to do by someone who wasn’t Shuu. Instead, he walked ahead of him to the car and opened the door so Kaneki could get into the backseat and then proceeded to look straight ahead of him as he drove them to their destination.  
For something that Tsukiyama flaunted around about being a “small, temporary residence,” it wasn’t at all what the white haired ghoul was expecting.

  
A small residence was something like him and his mother shared– a small kitchen area and living room and about two bathrooms. Tsukiyama obviously didn’t know what the definition meant. As they passed through the high stone gates, Kaneki’s mouth went agape at how massive the mansion was. It had two stories, and a porch that wrapped around the entire vicinity of the building. It was tan in color, and made out of brick with a driveway that went in a huge circle so cars could just drive out with having to back out.

  
“Is Tsukiyama currently staying with anyone besides you?” Kaneki questioned as the car shut off. His door unlocked with a loud click and he didn’t receive an answer until Kanae was outside of his door.

  
“No. It’s just him and I.”

  
“How many rooms does this place actually have?”

  
“Seven bedrooms, with three and a half bathrooms. The Tsukiyama family has always lived in the lap of luxury, Kaneki-san. It’s not unusual for one of his stature to purchase a house this… large. Now-” He shut the car door and walked up to the front of the house, sliding the door open. “This way please, I will let Tsukiyama-sama know of your arrival.” He disappeared up the staircase afterward, leaving Kaneki alone downstairs.

  
If he wasn’t already in awe over the outside of the house, Kaneki’s mouth practically dropped when he went inside.

  
Everything was intricate; Tsukiyama’s taste in French lifestyle was very present in the way he had it decorated. Almost everything in the living area was some sort of white color with gold.

  
That was only the room he saw walking in… he couldn’t even imagine what the rest of the mansion looked like.

  
“Kaneki-kun…” A figure came down the steps with a blanket draped around his shoulders, and if Kaneki didn’t know Tsukiyama’s voice well enough, he would have never guessed that the person in front of him was actually him. “I’m embarrassed that you have to see me like this. I… I apologize for not showing up to help you out the last few days. I… haven’t been able to convince myself to get up from bed.”

  
“Are you sick?” He could only hope that Shuu wasn’t displaying what Touka had hinted at before.  
  
“Oh Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama shook his head as he sat down in front of him.

 “Do you not have any idea what  _your absence_  has done to  _me_?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would have added the next part to this chapter... but cliffhangers can be fun sometimes, right? ;D


	9. Don't You Dare Forget the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With just a thin robe, and a pair of pajama pants, Kaneki could finally see just how bad Tsukiyama had gotten in their time apart even before he began speaking. His chest was slightly exposed in the middle due to not wearing a shirt underneath, and he could see the skin and bone that resided there. Why didn’t he notice before how thinned out his face looked, or how frail he wrists were on patrol?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to broodyblue for the beta reading! :D

With just a thin robe, and a pair of pajama pants, Kaneki could finally see just how bad Tsukiyama had gotten in their time apart even before he began speaking. His chest was slightly exposed in the middle due to not wearing a shirt underneath, and he could see the skin and bone that resided there. Why didn't he notice before how thinned out his face looked, or how frail he wrists were on patrol?

Kaneki followed Kanae and Tsukiyama to the dining room, where chairs were pulled out for the two of them to sit down. A bottle of fermented blood sat between them on the table, which he stared at for a few moments too long before Tsukiyama noticed.

“I told Kanae to set it out here,” the purple haired male offered a small smile as he reached for the bottle. Amethyst irises studied the label with a muted interest, before reaching for the bottle opener. “My father would wait until the very last week of decembré to bring up a bottle of this wine from the cellar. It was his own way of announcing to the household that it was indeed Christmas time.”

“You're a little late, Tsukiyama-san. It's the middle of March.”

“You're correct, Kaneki-kun. But, humour me. How did you celebrate your birthday?” The white haired ghoul opened his mouth to speak, but halted before he could really say anything. He spent the month of December fixing up the coffee shop and catering all sorts of Christmas drinks and treats to his customers, but he never once stopped to even really remember his birthday. It wasn't something that he considered to be an important part of his agenda. The older ghoul passed him a glass of the wine, which he took and then placed onto the table carefully. “Well? You didn't answer my question.”

“I... I didn't celebrate,” he muttered, sheepishly. “My birthdays have never really been celebrated before.” Not to mention that defended himself against Yamori on his 20th birthday, and when he didn't get the chance to celebrate on his birthday, he went out to Big Girl with Hide a few days later. Without that sort of thing to look forward to, what was the point of even trying?

“Non. Not anymore,” Tsukiyama replied, taking a sip from his own glass. “How old are you now?”

“I'm... twenty-one.” Twenty-one. Wow, how times flies when you don't want to pay attention.

“Ah. If you were in America, making it to twenty-one would-”

“Tsukiyama-san, I really didn't stay to talk about my age.” He looks back at the glass of wine on the table, and takes into his grasp. Wine was never on his agenda of things to try, especially since that list became smaller when he became a half ghoul. “I need to know that I can depend on your services. Everyone else has been there when I needed them... except for you. You said that you weren't sick, and Touka-chan told me you're depressed. I need you to tell me what is going on... especially if I have been the cause of it all, like everyone says I am.”

Tsukiyama didn't answer quickly, and his attention seemed to disappear into the wine glass as he stared at it. Everything in the room seemed to cease in it's tracks, even time itself. It all halted, almost like Tsukiyama was controlling everything.

“All I wanted was to help you,” Tsukiyama comments, taking another sip of his wine as he stood up from the chair and made his way over to the window. Once again, there was a brief silence as Tsukiyama studied the lit patio outside. “Well. Actually, that's a lie. At first, I wanted to consume you... and I continued telling myself and others that that was all it was. But Banjou and I watched you from the shadows of the Aogiri Tree. Yoshimura-san tasked us with keeping an eye on you, and that's what we did. But... after watching you afar for quite some time... I've grown to care for you. It was unrequited, I was very much aware of that, of course.” Another short silence, followed by a tiny sip of wine. “Then, you decided that you wanted to help your coworkers, and you wouldn't let me stop you...Everyone said you were dead. The CCG took your unconscious body, and it wasn't seen again. It was like the moment you disappeared, so did I. Exquisite meals didn't matter anymore, nor did my involvement in the ghoul restaurant.”

“But then Touka-chan got in touch with you, and told you I was alive,” Kaneki filled in, taking a experimental sip from his own glass. The taste wasn't terrible, but also not something he was interested in drinking more of after he finished the glass he was working on.

“Yes... Kanae mused that it would help bring me back to normal.” A sad smile crossed the Gourmet's lips. “I don't feel normal, Kaneki-kun. I feel like a train that has been derailed... one that can't move forward. So I hope you can forgive me when I tell you that I'm trying to find that enjoyment I used to feel, but most days I don't feel like I can leave my room... much less my house.”

Just as Kaneki was about to put in his input about what Shuu just told him, the household phone started to ring. It only took a few moments for Kanae to come in with the receiver and hand it to his master.

“Hori-san has information... for you, and Kaneki-san.” The servant handed Shuu the receiver and waited beside him as he picked up the phone. Who was Hori-san? How did they know who he was? What kind of information could this person have for him without ever meeting him before? Endless questions filled his brain as Tsukiyama continued to converse with the person in question. After a minute or so of waiting, Kanae went over to Kaneki's side. “I went ahead and prepared the guest bedroom-”

“You didn't need to. I was going to go home.”

“Kaneki-san... if it's not too bold to admit this out loud about my master, this is the most lively I've seen him in days. I think your appearance in his home, and your willingness to listen and letting him talk has done wonders so far. Maybe the same could be said for you, too. Not that I necessarily care about you airing your own dirty laundry... but maybe it'll help to strengthen your bond with him.”

He wanted to protest-- a bond? With Tsukiyama? All Tsukiyama was to him at the moment was a willing participant to help achieve his goals. Why he would try to get any closer then that?

“Last time I checked, you're not my mother, Kanae.” He received a glare in return, along with an eye roll, before Kanae backed away from the half ghoul and returned to Kanae's side.

“ Merci beaucoup, Hori.” Slender hands extend the phone out to Kanae, who takes it into his grasp. While waiting for his host to elaborate on the so called information, Kaneki raised the glass of wine to his lips and emptied half of it down his throat. “Kaneki-kun, have you ever gotten drunk off of fermented blood before?”

“I've never had an actual drink before, Tsukiyama-san.” It didn't taste nearly as weird as it did before, but Kaneki didn't think much of it except that he was getting used to the flavor.

“Then I would slow down, before you regret it. This particular brand is rather strong, and I want you alert. My informant just provided me some rather... interesting news.”

“The only place I enjoy a good cliffhanger is in a book. Just tell me already.”

“According to Chie, there has been rumor of suspicious activity having to do with two former investigators of the CCG branch. One of them leaked the information to her, and another has been... well... to say the least, it looks like he has become a target for the same experimental procedures that you have undergone.”

A pang of shock gripped at Kaneki's chest at the mention of experimental procedures.

“Kanou?” His voice didn't come out as stable as it was just moments prior.

“Yes. She's waiting to confirm the information for herself... but she also mentioned that he may have aligned himself with the Aogiri Tree.” The older male lifted himself from the seat and downed the very last of his wine. “But, we should wait for her call tomorrow, and we should sleep on what we learned tonight. Should I have Kanae drive you back home?”

He offers a small smile in return before turning to Kanae with a sassy smirk replacing said smile, victory dancing in his eyes.

“I would greatly appreciate a ride home, thanks.”

 

* * *

 

After much tossing and turning from the white haired male, Kaneki decided to call it quits on trying to sleep and went down into the living room to distract himself. There was still a countless amount of DVDs which he figured he could make us of, but then he looked over to the table in the hallway where the MP3 player sat charging for the next day.

_There's 64 gigs of music on there, Dude. Don't let it go to waste... when you miss me, listen to it._

A faint smile came onto the ghoul's face as he went over to pick up the MP3 player, and then sat down on the couch. The headphones were kept in the top drawer of the end table next to the couch so he could have easy access to it. It was the first time he was ever using them, and the warmest form of comfort sparked in him when he slipped them onto his head. He laid down on the couch, and put the MP3 player onto shuffle.

The first song was by a band he had heard of before, but never actually listened to. It was one of Hide's favorites from what Kaneki remembered-- he used to rave about Fall Out Boy quite often. It started off with the song, “The Kids Aren't Alright,” and then he skipped around on the shuffle until “Novocaine” started playing.

Kaneki could officially admit he liked Fall Out Boy. Eventually he settled on just playing music under their artist tab, and was eventually lulled to sleep.

Not that it shocked him when he woke up a few hours later with a dead MP3 player and the headphones around his neck rather then on his head... it wasn't the first time Hide found a way to help him somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always very much appreciated-- they literally keep me fueled to continue writing. <3


	10. Hey Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Kaneki thought to himself as he passed through the doors to a coffee shop that was not his own. She certainly has outdone herself.
> 
> If Kaneki were still a college student, :Re would have been one of his go to places. It had books, peace, everything that the Hide-Away has, but it also has Touka’s unique charm. The rest of his group went further into the cafe, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was stuck in place; stuck in awe over what Touka had created while he was gone.
> 
> “If you think the appearance is impressive, you should have a cup of coffee.”

_Wow_ , Kaneki thought to himself as he passed through the doors to a coffee shop that was not his own.  _She certainly has outdone herself_.

If Kaneki were still a college student, :Re would have been one of his go to places. It had books, peace, everything that the Hide-Away has, but it also has Touka’s unique charm. The rest of his group went further into the cafe, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was stuck in place; stuck in awe over what Touka had created while he was gone.

“If you think the appearance is impressive, you should have a cup of coffee.” Gray eyes averted over to Touka, who was currently leaning on the counter with a small smile on her face. “I’ve been told this is the best place to get a caffeine fix in Tokyo. Come on,  _Kuro_. Have a seat.” She gestured over the the empty bar stool in front of her, and got started with the coffee maker as Kaneki sat down. He couldn’t help but reach up and lightly touch the wig he had put on before coming into the city when Touka referred to him as the color. It felt foreign… like he was never the person who he currently looked like.

She placed the freshly brewed cup in front of him, he glanced down at the familiar rabbit art that she created in the foam, and he smiled up at her.

“You remembered,” Kaneki mused, taking the warm cup into his hands. He took an experimental sip, and relished in the fact that her skills only got better since the last time she made him coffee. She returned the happy expression as Yomo came up behind the counter with her, handing her a clipboard. Once she went into the back, Kaneki placed the cup back onto the counter. “I appreciate you offering your help on this, Yomo-san. I didn’t think we’d be able to infiltrate this place with just three of us.” He didn’t want to mention that he didn’t think having just four people was any better, but he didn’t have much people to help him out to begin with.

“I’m glad to help… I just hope you realize that this will not be an easy task.” Yomo glanced around at the customer’s in the coffee shop and motioned with his head toward the back wall. “I’ll stake out the area tonight, and see if I can gather any more information needed to… proceed with what you want done.” Kaneki offered a small nod in thanks, before taking another sip of his coffee.

They had an entire day to basically do nothing, and Kaneki originally planned to just stay within the confines of the coffee shop. It wasn’t until he glanced at the calendar hanging on the wall behind the counter that he felt his heart sink.

“I’ll be back soon,” Kaneki remarked, turning to look at everyone in his group. “There’s… something I need to do.”

* * *

She loved white carnations, and the scent that surrounded him made the weight in his heart heavier as the cab he was in passed by what seemed like an endless amount of tombstones.

“You can stop here,” Kaneki commented, a sad smile crossing his face as he gave the driver what he owed. He stepped out from the cab, offering the driver his thanks, before locking his sights on the familiar gravestone.

Aside from the upkeep from the people who took care of the cemetery, Kaneki could tell that this particular one wasn’t visited in quite awhile. It made him sad to think that he was probably her last visitor– it wasn’t like his aunt or her family cared enough to at least go and stop by.

He stopped in front of the grave sight, and gently placed the flowers in front of it before kneeling down to trace the familiar name.

“I’m sorry… I haven’t been the best son, have I?” No answer. It wasn’t like he was expecting one. There were some things he really wanted to say that he kept bottled up inside him like a bomb waiting to go off. His hand gently touches his chin. “I’ve thought some very bad things about you not too long ago… but you were just trying your best, right?”

Something inside him was expecting for one of the voices in his head to speak up– to call him out on his lie and admit the truth. The only thing he was met with was his own empty heart, and tears that he didn’t want to spill.

“I’m so messed up,” he admitted, quietly. His hand, and his gaze dropped down into his lap. “You’re so lucky that you’re not around anymore… you would be ashamed to see the kind of person I’ve become.” He let the cries escape and his body began to shudder into sobs. It was eleven years ago that he lost her, and being in front of their family grave with her name staring him right in the face makes him realize just how raw the hurt still is. It’s something that he’s never gotten over, and something that never will heal. Her voice is quiet now, but the memories of how Rize twisted his views of his own mother come back and it makes him feel worse.

A pair of arms wrap around him from behind, and he couldn’t help but flinch from the sudden contact. He rubs his eyes free of the remaining tears so he could look at who was hugging him, and when he finally registers who it is, he cried harder.

“I thought you hated me,” he admitted, voice quivering as he finds the will to cling to the visitor. “When Touka-chan and Yomo visited and you weren’t there…”

“…I never hated you. I didn’t understand your intentions, but I could never hate you, Onii-chan.”

* * *

“I found you through your voice.” The two were finally together at a bookstore a few blocks from the cemetery, and Kaneki was still processing that it was even happening. “It hasn’t changed… you still sound the same. I’m glad, too. I didn’t think I’d ever hear it again.” Kaneki was speechless; unsure of what to say or broach the topic of where she had been.

“I’m sorry I-” He sighed; how many times did he have to apologize for the same thing? “I thought maybe Touka-chan would have said something to you… I just assumed you didn’t want to see me.”

“Oh… I-” What she tried to say got lost into thin air as soon as she began to release it. “Onee-chan and I… we don’t speak much anymore. Things happened that she didn’t agree with. I had to move out and figure things out on my own.” She let a moment pass, before she wrapped her arms around his frame again. She was the first person to not ask where he had been– the first person who didn’t try to pry into the missing year that he was gone. He felt relieved that he didn’t need to dive into explanation and detail and all the things he hated to bring up. Instead, he found peace in her presence again, just like before.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she voiced quietly against his chest. “It’s so good to have you back.”

“I’m not exactly back,” he replied, sadly. “I shouldn’t really be in the city now, so please… don’t speak a word of me being here to anyone.” He watched as Hinami motioned with her hand that she was locking her mouth and throwing away the key. Kaneki smiled in return.

“What are you doing back in the city, then?”

“Something I should have done a long time ago.” Gray irises scanned the room around them, before letting out his whispered confession.

“I’m going to take down Kanou. If I can also damage one of Aogiri’s defenses… then that’s just an added bonus. That was my original plan when I joined Aogiri to begin with.”

There was no reply from the girl, not even a sound. Instead, she scooted away from his side with a small frown on her face. Her reaction confused him… shouldn’t this have been good news? Why did she seem so… distant now?

“H-Hinami-chan?” Her brown eyes averted up to meet his, but something burned in them. She grabbed her bag and slipped the strap over her shoulder. “Are you leaving?”

“Onii-chan… things have changed since you disappeared. I… I’m not the same little girl that waited for you to come back home when you joined the very organization you are talking of taking down now.” Her voice was quiet. “Aogiri Tree has gotten much stronger since you left it… it’s defenses are harder to break. Dr. Kanou, and his lab are practically invisible to those who are trying to look for it.” He watched as she stood up from the table, and moved to stand beside where he was sitting. She lifted her hand to brush a few strands of hair from the front of his face, and then bent forward to place a kiss on his forehead.

“How do you know this?”  _Why are you leaving_? _Why does everyone always end up leaving me_?

“That little girl wanted to know why her onii-chan would join such a horrible organization– one that was known for killing and hurting so many people. She got her answer in the only way she knew how…” A tear rolled down her cheek. “She joined it, and then finally realized just how wrong everyone was about it.”

 _No_. He wanted to scream for her to come back as she turned away and walked out the doors to the bookstore. It was like his feet were stuck to the ground with super glue and cement.

What happened to his little sister in the time he was away?

* * *

By the end of the night, Kaneki is the very definition of emotionally exhausted. The door to Touka’s coffee shop creaked open as he tried to sneak in, but was met by Touka’s curious eyes and the rest of his group sitting on the couch waiting for him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, voice hard and gruff like gravel. “Hinami is part of Aogiri Tree, and you didn’t  **tell**  me!” Touka sighed, taking off her apron and walking out from behind the counter.

“It wasn’t my secret to tell,” she replied, crossing her arms.

“You really think it’s necessary to keep secrets when we’re planning an attack on Aogiri Tree! What if she gets hurt! Would you really be able to live with yourself, knowing that you could have spoken up sooner about it?” He was seething. Between the anger, and hurt he couldn’t control his tone of voice.

“Do you really want to talk about keeping secrets right now, Kaneki?” Her voice was low, but it dripped with anger. “Don’t act so high and mighty… especially when you’re being so damn hypocritical! You…. you piss me off!”

“It’s not the same and you-”

“It’s very much the same!” Touka snapped. “You are just as cared about as Hinami is!”

Kaneki opened up his mouth to reply, but Yomo came between them and held up his hands.

“Both of you go, and cool off. Right now. There’s no need for this kind of fighting.” He eyed the both of them, and Kaneki finally looked to notice that Touka’s eyes were watering before she stormed off to the back of the shop and slammed the door behind her.

Yomo motioned toward the couch, which Kaneki all but collapsed onto as they discussed what they should do about their plans concerning Kanou, and the lab. They had most of it already mapped out, but after what Hinami mentioned to him, their plans didn’t seem as easy.

Nothing seemed easy with what Hinami told him, or the fact that she could now get hurt.

* * *

The next morning and afternoon dragged with suspense of what was to come later on that night. Kaneki barely slept from the worry and stress, which didn’t help his overbearing exhaustion. Somebody knocked on the door, and a small groan escaped his lips before forcing himself to sit up.

“Come in.”

The first thing he noticed was a cup of coffee, which he didn’t realise how much he needed it until it was in front of him. The second thing he noticed was Banjou peeking his head in through the small opening he made.

“If it’s past 11:30 in the morning, and somebody can’t seem to wake up… they probably need coffee.” Banjou had a huge grin on his face as he passed the other ghoul the beverage, which he took willingly and started to lightly sip at. “I just wanted to check on you… after last night you seemed tense. Are you prepared for what’s going to happen tonight?”

“Am I ready to confront the man that changed my life without my personal consent, and stop him from doing it to others? I’m more then ready for that…” He looked down at the cup, and studied the reflection staring back. His other hand lightly touched his chin even after he spoke.

“Good.” Banjou continued to grin. “I thought I should… thank you. You’ve certainly grown up since the first time I’ve seen you, and even though it took a lot of pain to make you who you are right now… you’ve become someone worthy of fighting beside. I may not be much of a fighter… but I appreciate whatever faith you have in me.”

“No thanks needed.” He drank the rest of the contents of the cup before he continued. “You’ve proven to be helpful so far… I should be thanking you.”

A knock at the door interrupted them from their conversation.

“Banjou-san, Tsukiyama is looking for you downstairs.” Touka didn’t even look at Kaneki, and after last night, Kaneki couldn’t blame her for not wanting to look at him. As soon as Banjou went down the hallway and out of earshot, Kaneki stood up from where he was sitting.

“Touka… I-”

“Kaneki.” She held up a hand to stop him from speaking as she pushed the door closed so they could have some privacy. “I should have told you, okay? You were right… and after what you told me at the Hide-Away… I shouldn’t have pushed the whole thing about you keeping secrets. But… Hinami joining Aogiri wasn’t an easy secret to keep from you. I wanted her to eventually tell you herself if you ever got the chance to see her again, because she deserved to tell you her side of it. I’m happy she did get that opportunity. Then… the more we fought last night… the more upset I got over the fact that you seemed so wounded over potentially hurting someone you care about…”

She began to tear up, which she brushed away with the back of her hand as she sucked in a breath.

“But try it from my point of view. You have one person on the opposing side… I have _two_. I have two people that I care about that I don’t want to see hurt… and there’s nothing I can do about that except wait till you guys come back here to say that the job is done and then hope just a little bit more that I don’t have a dead brother and sister that I don’t know the fate of.”

“Touka-chan… I’ll keep an eye out for both of them.” For Touka’s sake, he wished he could tell her something more concrete, but they both knew it would be impossible for him to do much more then that. “I promise.”

“Arigato, Kaneki.”

* * *

It didn’t seem like much time had passed between Kaneki’s earlier conversation with Touka to nighttime falling over Tokyo. The sky was dark as the familiar fabric of his battle suit and he likened the similarities between the two as he slid it on. He pulled on his new makeshift mask just a few short hours prior to slipping through the underground tunnels that made up part of the ghoul world. It’d taken far less time than it’d felt like to find what they were looking for– Kanou’s lab. Kaneki half expected to find nothing there, for it was supposedly invisible right? 

“I think this is it,” Banjou whispered, inspecting the entryway in front of them. “Plus… something about this building-”

“Gives you the creeps?” Kanae piped in, a playful smirk on his lips. “Or is that just every darkened place you had to go into tonight?”

“…I was going to say it seems like the kind of place Aogiri would operate in… but sure, we can go with that too.” Banjou didn’t look nearly as amused as Kanae did from the teasing.

“Tais-toi!” Tsukiyama threw a dramatic hand into the air. “We’re trying to be sneaky, are we not?”

“We could ask you the same question, Noisy,” Banjou quipped. After awhile of listening to the endless banter, Kaneki threw a look back at the entire group (most of which was probably lost behind the mask). He raised a single finger to his lips, and then offered a nod to Yomo.

Kaneki raised a brow when he eyed the room they were about to step into. It was the exact opposite of something that was invisible.

Instead, his group entered into a giant room, filled with things you’d find in any lab. A surgical table, medical instruments that were still saturated with what appeared and  _smelled_  like fresh blood. The entire back of the room was lined with what looked like incubators made for adults… and then a giant clear one in the center of the room. Kaneki’s eyes widened at the person inside the tube like structure, and he felt his heart start to quicken with dread.

Yoshimura Kuzen.

“I must admit, I wasn’t expecting your arrival.” A voice came from the second story of the building, and his eyes narrowed at who was speaking. They all watched at Dr. Kanou came over to the railing and smiled down at somebody who’s life he had corrupted. “You look well, Kaneki-Kun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always appreciated <3.


	11. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look well, Kaneki-kun.”
> 
> The voice alone sent shudders down the half ghoul's spine as cold gray eyes practically shot daggers at the man in front of him. No, not man. Monster. Anybody that pulled the kinds of stunts that Dr. Kanou did wasn't anything close to a person. People entrusted their lives to doctors to save them; not to poke, prod, and experiment on them without their knowledge.
> 
> Dr. Kanou made him sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, special thanks for the amazing Blue for the beta read, and dealing with all my whining over how hard it is to write fight scenes. 
> 
> Also, please be kind... this is my first time ever really writing a fight scene. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

 

“You look well, Kaneki-kun.”

 

  
The voice alone sent shudders down the half ghoul's spine as cold gray eyes practically shot daggers at the man in front of him. No, not man. Monster. Anybody that pulled the kinds of stunts that Dr. Kanou did wasn't anything close to a person. People entrusted their lives to doctors to save them; not to poke, prod, and experiment on them without their knowledge.

 

  
Dr. Kanou made him  _sick_.

 

  
“No thanks to you,” Kaneki growled back. He could feel the sea of black filling the sclera of his left eye. Just hearing his voice made anger boil up inside him; it made him want to hurt the doctor for destroying what could have been a relatively normal life (despite how shitty it started out).

 

  
An amused expression crossed the doctor's lips as Kaneki glared at him, and he went over to the control console next to him and messed around with it.

 

  
“I'm surprised that you're here... I was told you were killed by the Reaper. Don't get me wrong...I mourned the lost of my first successful experiment, especially when you were completely unaware of why I changed you.”

 

  
“Oh, and I assume you're going to elaborate now?” His voice came out rough, and he was seething with hate. He felt the familiar release of pressure as the tentacles protruded from his lower back. They stood idle, but with the sort of mood Kaneki was in, they looked menacing, and prepared for whatever was about to happen.

 

  
“I should, shouldn't I?” He tapped the console with his finger in thought, before giving his past test subject a small nod. “I mean, I certainly see no need to keep it a secret now.”

 

  
 _I wish he'd just spit it out_ , Kaneki thought to himself, not offering a verbal response. Behind him he can practically hear eyes rolling and actually does hear Tsukiyama’s condescending chuckle. Kaneki glances behind him to see him release his Koukaku, silently he marveled at the way it circled around and down his arm.

 

  
“Tamed birds don't freely roam the skies, am I right? If you really think about it, it's because they didn't create their cage. But... then I thought to myself, 'who made the world's cage?' We have our own version of this cage in our world and it's holding us back.”

 

  
 _What the hell is he even talking about_?

 

  
“Eventually... I got annoyed. I wanted to break open the cage... but I needed ghouls to do so. Not just any kind of ghoul though... I needed one eyed ghouls....” He continued to explain how he worked, and experimented non stop to achieve these goals he was trying to reach. “So many of them have failed... but then you were brought into the hospital with Rize, and I made all the necessary sacrifices. You lived... you were that one experiment that didn't  _fail_.”

 

  
“You're fucking crazy.” Kaneki spoke through clenched teeth. “Bird, cages,  _blah, blah, blah_! Do you even hear yourself talking? You're trying to justify what you did to me, and countless others as doing something... to break the cage of this world? What does that even mean?”

 

  
He didn't want to hear his answer, so even as the sorry excuse for a doctor opened his mouth, Kaneki cut him off.

 

  
“You're not a doctor... you are the farthest thing from one. You're fucking psychotic! Can you even fathom the kind of life I've had since you did this to me!”

 

  
“I saved your life... I still did what any doctor would have.” He waved off the insults and accusations, and gave off a soft smile. “It doesn't matter. I didn't think anybody would truly understand my intentions, not even you. But I had to at least tell you why I've done the things I did-”

 

  
“Do we attack now or later, Kaneki-Kun?” Tsukiyama asked in his usual theatrical voice, although it seemed more forced than normal. It seemed like Kaneki wasn't the only one done listening to Kanou's lines of bullshit. Kanae seemed to notice Tsukiyama's act, and turned to look at his master before releasing his own kagune from his lower back. He snaked them around one another, and stood in front of Shuu like he was an object that needed to be protected.

 

  
“Oh Kaneki... I'm appalled.” The door from behind him opened, and footsteps echoed through the room until a few familiar faces came up behind Kanou. “You really would have considered having them attack me with the battle so... unevenly numbered?” He didn't need to guess that Kanou would have asked for Ayato; he was one of Aogiri's strongest members, and the most brutal. It was weird seeing him so silent, and the gaze that the younger male had locked on Kaneki wasn't one of annoyance or self righteousness.

 

  
It was more like boredom... or like he expected this to happen.

 

  
Then there was Naki, who seemed eager. His two henchmen stood next to him in silence as he scratched his head.

 

  
“Why are we fighting him?” Naki asked, confusion evident in his voice. “Gantai... aren't you supposed to be... y'know-” He dragged a finger across his throat for emphasis, complete with choking sounds.

 

  
“Doesn't matter... him, and his entire group down there will be dead by the time I'm done with them.”  _Ah. There was the self righteousness that Ayato was missing._

 

  
Kanou's backup group jumped down to the first floor, and that was when everything started going down. Naki had his sights set on Kaneki, but was blocked by Tsukiyama. The Gourmet threw himself in the way of Naki's exposed kagune, letting it clash with his own. A small smirk crossed Shuu's lips as he looked back at Banjou.

 

  
“Who's the shield now, hm?” He joked weakly, before pulling his arm back and striking at the blonde. Banjou barely had time to give a reply before Ayato roundhouse kicked him against the wall.

 

  
“I'm going to enjoy this,” Ayato mused, sauntering over to Banjou who clutched his side as he slowly sat up on the floor. “Working with you really pissed me off. Now I get to show you how much... I get to show you just how weak and useless you really are.” His ukaku came out from his backside and opened up like wings. Banjou backed up until he was pressed up completely against the wall in fear. His eyes slid closed, waiting for the crystallized shards to pierce into his skin, but Kanae ran to his aid. He knocked into Ayato's side with his rinkaku.

 

  
“You were saying?” Kanae offered Banjou a hand, as they both watched Ayato get up off the floor; red veins branching up near his eyes as he returned the stare. “Oh yes. That's right, I remember now. Banjou-san doesn't seem so weak... because he has something you don't. Strength in numbers.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
After maybe ten minutes of fighting alongside Tsukiyama and Yomo, Kaneki came to realize just how  _weak_ he had gotten without training on a regular basis. His lungs burned from exertion and every breath scratched against his throat as he brought all the limbs of his kagune to block an attack from one of Naki's henchmen. It was taking everything in his power to not give into the being that existed in the back of his head; the thing that took over and spewed out all of the insanity that Kaneki would never do consciously. It was a power that he had no control over once he released it... and it was constantly fighting him to rise to the surface and take over.

 

  
“Seems like you're finally meeting your match,” Kanou mused, as he watched the fighting from above. “I wonder how much harder it would be to fight him when I tell him the truth about what happened to Yamori.”

 

  
The second the name left the man's mouth, both Naki and Kaneki froze in place. The half ghoul could feel Naki's stare on him; studying the parts of Kaneki's face that he could see that weren't already hidden by the mask. Gray irises tear away from his opponent, and he chose to glare at Kanou instead.

 

  
“That's right, Naki. He's the reason he's not around anymore. Go on, Kaneki. Why don't you tell him for yourself.”

 

 

 

_But… but I_ _**didn’t** _ _. I never went that far. I… left the responsibility of Yamori’s life to the investigators that would eventually find him..._

 

  
From dealing with Naki in the past, Kaneki already knew that he wasn't the kind of person to think or act rationally when he was upset about something. He watched as Naki started to quake in front of him; tears began to spill down his cheeks.

 

  
“Start talking!” Naki screamed, running toward Kaneki full force and landing a punch to his nose. Kneeling beside him, he grabbed Kaneki by the collar of his shirt and ripped the mask from his face. “TELL ME WHAT YOU DID, TELL ME,  **TELL ME**!” With every repeated demand, his fist met the other's face. Kaneki raised shaking hands to cover his ears, as he tried to curl into a fetal position away from the other male.

 

  
“They won't stop,” Kaneki whimpered under his breath and gasped when another punch collided with his jaw. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, but Kaneki could barely register what was happening to him in reality when it felt like centipedes were crawling through his ear canals and biting at the flesh inside. It was his mind playing tricks on him. It was the monster inside threatening to come back out.

 

  
It was making it's presence known. Frantic, incoherent babbling started to tumble from the white haired ghoul's lips. Naki barely registered what was going on before Tsukiyama pierced through his chest from behind, causing him to release his hold on the ghoul in front of him.

 

  
“How dare you hurt him,” he snarled through clenched teeth. “How dare you even lay one finger on-” His breath was caught mid sentence as Kaneki let out a blood curdling shriek, curling in on himself as he knelt on the ground. The entire room succumbed to silence as they all openly stared at what was happening... or more importantly, what was coming out from Kaneki's lower back.

 

  
The Centipede was released. It came out from behind him, and started to thrash around violently as it also traveled up Kaneki's back and to his face. Kaneki continued to scream, and then the screaming turned into laughter that sounded too painful to even muster up in the first place.

 

  
“W...W....Wh-what's one-one thousand.... minus seven?” From within his own head he could still feel the slithering of tiny legs along with soft laughter... and the sound of pliers being squeaked open and closed. The memory of the pain settled in his joints, which only added to the screaming that he couldn't seem to stop.

 

  
“Ooooh Kaneki-san.” Phantom hands caressed the area of his back untouched by the liquid muscle. “Don’t you remember what I told you? To live is to   _d e v o u r_  others.”

 

  
 _Snap, snap, SNAP, SNAP_ _ **SNAP**_! Phantom pain shot through the joints in his fingers and toes. With Rize’s voice, another one mingled in and joined her.

 

  
“Now I’ll devour you.” Jason’s voice filled his ears and his head; it was the last conscious thought he had before welcoming the inner darkness that gripped at him and pulled him under.

 

* * *

 

 

  
His consciousness came back with the sound of screaming, which after a moment he came to notice that it was thankfully not his own. Everything remained hazy; what happened in the time he wasn’t in control, who it involved… and overall how much damage he actually caused.

 

  
His hand was wet with what he could only assume was blood, and it took a moment to blink his eyes and bring himself back into reality to feel something gripping at his hand. It still sounded far away, but he knew the ragged breaths he was hearing were close… too close. The second he registered the sight in front of him, he could feel shock pool in his stomach.

 

  
“Banjou-san…” His hand was stuck through the other ghoul’s abdomen.

 

  
 _What have I done_?

 

  
Slowly, he eased his hand out, and held it against his chest as Banjou rested on his knees and clutched the wound tightly.

 

  
“I’m sorry...I’m sorry… I-” Kaneki throat burned with the urge to cry.  _Why am I such a monster_?  _I try to protect people… and yet I end up hurting them instead._  A few tears escaped and fell in streams down his cheeks, which Banjou noticed after looking up.

 

  
“It’s okay,” he commented, a small smile on his lips as he brushed a thumb against his face to dry what had fallen. “I’ll be okay… Tsukiyama was knocked out shortly after you released your kakuja, and Kanae is attending to him now. Yomo was fighting Naki, and I was fighting Ayato… then then you sort of…” Whatever words he was about to mutter turned into an averted gaze toward something behind him, which Kaneki was almost too nervous to look at.

 

  
Ayato laid in a pool of his own blood, screaming at the top of his lungs out of what could only be pain. Half of his body was limp and Kaneki could faintly remember the sound of bones being broken. The screaming wasn't as loud as it had been when Kaneki had first come to. If anything it was less like screaming and more like sobbing.

 

  
Kaneki didn’t feel bad for what he had done; he felt more horrible over the fact that it happened to somebody that he told Touka he’d look out for. Slowly, he stepped to loom over the younger male.

 

  
“Does it hurt?” His voice was hoarse, and no where near as threatening as it could have sounded. He raised a brow as Ayato tried to drag himself towards the exit. “I don’t pity you, especially considering the fact that you hurt your sister worse through all the things you’ve done. So… I’ll tell you the same thing you told her back when I first met you; you can’t fly anywhere on those wings of yours, go ahead and crawl along the ground.”

 

  
He turned his back on the person who used to work alongside him, and noticed that Banjou was completely healed and waiting for him. Kaneki felt the niggling feeling of confusion edging it's way through his skull. He'd injured Banjou and it'd been quite serious. How was it possible that he was healed in just minutes? The curiosity would have to wait. Banjou was trying to get his attention to show him something of a higher concern (at least a higher concern at the moment).

 

“We have a visitor,” Banjou commented, pointing up toward the control console. “By the sounds of it… she’s on our side.”

 

  
Using his rinkaku, Kaneki launched himself up onto the second level of the room, and behind the person who currently had her own rinkaku around the doctor’s waist.

 

  
“I betrayed you.” Her voice was low. Angry. Cold. She wouldn’t even look back at Kaneki even though her shoulders tensed when his feet touched the ground as he landed. “It’s fitting, is it not? I come to you… the one person I thought I could trust to heal my sister back to health, and you turn around and tell me that she wasn’t worth saving; that I should have just left her and left with you. She’s dead because of you… and now I’m going to hurt everything you worked so hard for. All it took was an information drop… and then my  _big brother_ came running for the same purpose.”

 

  
“Big… brother,” Kaneki asked in a whisper, mostly to himself as he raised a brow in question. The female peered a single red eye over her shoulder.

 

  
“We’ve met before,” she replied, squeezing one of the tentacles tighter until Kanou was gasping. “But it doesn’t matter… all that matters is making him admit the one things he’s kept secret this entire time. Go ahead Kanou… tell him about Rize.”

 


	12. Novocaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rize?
> 
>  
> 
> But… she’s dead.
> 
>  
> 
> What is this girl talking about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -drops this chapter here, and walks away; I didn't do it. Nope.

_Rize?_

  
_But… she’s dead._

  
_What is this girl talking about?_

  
Slowly Kaneki took a step toward the young woman. He didn’t want to startle her or scare her into thinking that he would stop her. Dr. Kanou looked back and forth between the two, a small smirk formed on his lips.

  
“Like I already told Kaneki… I’m beyond keeping secrets.”

  
“Then spill it,” she ordered, tightening her grip on his body as she grew more agitated by his answers. “I’m not a very patient person, and I don’t believe Kaneki-san is either.”

  
The doctor lets out an amused sigh before he looked at Kaneki and tilted his head toward the control console. Kaneki couldn’t help but to stare at the older male with suspicion, but also curiosity. He could feel Kurona’s gaze on him as he hesitated to follow Kanou’s direction. There was something about how heavy the room felt in that moment, and it made Ken question just how fearful he was of the new information he was about to reveal. He could feel everyone’s stare as he walked over to where he was directed, and he eyed the buttons before looking back over at Kanou.

  
“The blue lever at the top. Push it to the right.” Kanou’s eyes sparkled with anticipation, like he was excited for more of his secrets to be revealed. His fingers ghost over the console… and he didn’t realize the huge breath he was holding until he shifted the lever over and released it in an attempt to push out all the other nerve wracking emotions.

  
But it didn’t help. Nothing could help, especially when one of the incubator tanks on the wall was shifted forward and opened. Kaneki wanted to believe that nobody could be cruel enough to keep somebody’s dead body held up for any kind of reason, and seeing the familiar purple hair that he had grown to actually fear in his own head lying within the confines of the black shell was enough to make him feel nauseous.

  
“You’re sick,” Kaneki remarked, shaking his head in sheer horror. “What use is she to you… she’s dead!”

  
“Kaneki…” Kaneki looked down at Yomo on the first floor, who was already making his way over to the incubator. He shook his head as he finally stood in front of it, pushing his pointer and middle finger against the girl’s throat. Yomo frowned, and looked back up at Kaneki. “There’s a pulse; it’s faint, but it’s there.”

  
“You kept her in one of those… those things! For what! One… no…  _two_  years!” He tried to understand the Doctor’s thought process. All the things he wanted to say have already been said. How many times can you call someone sick, psychotic, and cruel?

  
“Which one of these will free Yoshimura-san, Kanou?” It was more of an order then a question.

  
“Where’s the fun in just telling you… I’d rather you take a wild  _guess_ -” His sentence was interrupted by the squeezing on Kurona’s tentacle and a loud gasp from his own mouth. She didn’t need to tell him out loud what she wanted him to do; that she wanted him to listen to Kaneki’s command. “...Fine. The red button on the bottom will release Yoshimura from his confinement. But I should warn you… he won’t be the same as you have once seen him. He may not ever wake up again.”

  
“Anything is better than what you’ve done to him,” Kaneki snapped, as he pressed the button. “Yomo-san, Banjou-san… get Rize and Yoshimura to the car. Kanae, follow them out with Tsukiyama. I’ll follow once Kanou is taken care of.”

  
“Understood,” Yomo replied, as he gently placed the unconscious girl over his shoulders. He waited for Banjou, who seemed reluctant to pick up Yoshimura from the literal sea of tubes and needles that were stuck into his skin. His hands shook with uncertainty as he glanced up at Yomo. “It can’t be helped, Banjou. If we don’t get him out of here… he’ll end up dying anyway. Nobody his age could survive all the experimental treatments that he was given. He has a much better chance with us disconnecting him from everything and getting him somewhere safe.”

  
“Okay... “ Slowly, he started to gently pull all the things connecting Yoshimura to the machines, and the console. Every movement Banjou made with Kuzen was gentle. He pulled the ex-manager into his arms bridal style, and then followed Yomo as he made his way over to Kanae.

  
The servant had his master pulled up onto his shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably as he clutched onto Shuu tighter.

“Shuu-sama… please wake up, please… please…  _please_.” His cries overtook his words and he sobbed harder, before glancing up at the two waiting for him. “I’ve been trying to wake him for over an hour.”

  
“Let’s get him to the car. We can check over him when we’re out of the lab.”

* * *

 

  
Ken waited. He waited until the footsteps of the people in his group became quieter until nothing could be heard at all from the hall outside the room. It was just him, Kurona, and Kanou. It almost seemed fitting; like he and Kurona were ridding the world of the person who caused so many people harm, and they were the only two fit enough to actually do it.

  
“Are you going to kill him?” Kaneki asked in an even voice. “If you do… I won’t stop you.” Because, why should he? What reason did they have to keep him alive? He watched as she raised the kagune up, and crashed it in front of them; Kanou’s head hitting the ground with a sharp thud. It knocked him out, not that Kaneki really expected it to keep him out for very long.

  
“I wish I had a reason for wanting to keep him alive…” She finally looked at him, and the black sclera that was once present in her left eye was gone. Instead, two steel coloured eyes met his own. “I used to appreciate what he did to my sister and I… but then I lost her. I’m alone in this world because of him. I wish there was a way I could make him feel the same pain.”

  
“There’s something close enough,” Kaneki replied, and then began searching the drawers, and cabinets within the room. It took awhile to find what he was looking for, but after enough rummaging he pulled a lighter from one of the drawers. “There’s others like us in those incubators, Kurona-”

  
“No. They’re not like us, Kaneki-san. They’re… the unsuccessful ones.” Her voice was low, and sounded full of guilt. “I always felt bad for them, but now that I’m not so wrapped up in Kanou’s ridiculous crusade… it’s worse. They don’t deserve this life.” Her grip on the doctor was tight, and she looked at the lighter in Kaneki’s hands. He glanced down, and opened up his palm to her. He forced a sad smile onto his face.

  
“Then let’s fix his wrongdoings. We can help them to rest in peace.” She reached out slowly, and took it from his hands. “We’ll also be destroying all his work… unless somebody just as cruel comes along, nobody will ever have to suffer like this again.”

  
Kurona peered over at the incubator that Rize used to be trapped in, and held up a finger to the other half ghoul as she descended down the stairs. Once she was close enough, she placed the doctor into the incubator, and gazed back at Kaneki.

  
“Close it,” she commanded. “He deserves to feel at least a single ounce of pain he’s inflicted on them… inflicted on  _us_.”

  
Killing Kanou was never really his intention, and when he initially walked into the lab he didn’t know how everything would end. To be honest, there was some small hope in the back of his mind that he wouldn’t make it out of there alive, but at the same time he wanted to live to tell the tale. His reason for going to the lab was to stop Kanou, but if they kept him alive somewhere with no freedom… he could always break out. He could always go back to doing the cruel things he wanted to do.

  
At this point, the only way to stop him was with the doctor’s death.

  
Slowly, he pushed the lever back over to the right, and Kanou was locked within the darkened container. His throat burned with an unreleased breath, and it wasn’t until he let it out that he realised he wasn’t just holding in a breath.

  
“It’s… almost over,” he said in a shuddered whisper as he sank down to his knees on the floor. Kurona walked back up to the second level and looked down at him with a questioning gaze. He felt a tear slide down his cheek, but he wasn’t sad. No, He was practically relieved.

  
“Will you stay with me while I do this?” she asked, flicking the flame to life. Kaneki nodded, watching as she went over to one of the tables in the far corner. It was littered with flammables; books, papers, and binders of information containing his work. He got back up onto shaky legs and made his way over to the girl, reaching out his hand which she took within her grasp. She released a breath, and then finally reached down and held the lighter to one of the pages, before dragging it across everything else to it all caught the licks of the flame. They were both so caught up in watching the flames get bigger that they didn’t notice the person standing behind them.

  
“There’s not enough here to light the entire room on fire…” Yomo moved so he could stand next to Ken. “I have gasoline in the car. Would you like to me to-”

  
“Finish it off?” It took a moment for Kaneki to tear his eyes away from the flame, but once he did he looked up to Yomo. There were tears in the younger ghoul’s eyes and his chest ached… but he didn’t want to think about why. It was probably already obvious to Yomo. “It’s up to you. You know more then us about this kind of thing, right? You’ve started fires before…”

  
_Fires. Like the one at Anteiku… the one I should have just stayed in._

  
_No… I can’t think that way anymore… I’m supposed to be stronger than this_.

  
“Sorry,” Kaneki added, moments later after realizing just how mean it sounded. He turned his attention back to the flames in front of them, before squeezing onto Kurona’s hand. “Bring the gasoline, Yomo-san. After that… we’re done here.”

  
“We…” Kurona looks up at him. Her eyes questioned him.

  
“Yeah. We… you don’t have to be alone anymore, Kurona. I have a place outside of the city. If you want a clean slate and a place where you’ll be sheltered, I have more then enough room at my coffee shop. You can work there for your rent.”

  
At first, it seemed like Kurona would bolt. The look in her eyes screamed that she was thinking a thousand different things per second. But she squeezed his hand back, and the hesitation she put into her action was evident. She was scared… but she was putting her trust in him.

  
The fire climbed hire, and started to spread. It covered the wooden table top, and the pair moved backward but continued to watch everything disintegrate into blackened ash.

  
“So you succeeded, then?” A voice from the first level caught his attention, and he turned. Hinami was staring back at him. Her face was like an emotionless mask, and it saddened Kaneki to realise that it would probably be this way between the two of them from now on. The moment the two of them shared in the bookstore was just an imprint what things used to be like; an echo of the past that would never come back again.

  
“Not quite,” Kaneki admitted. “Are you here to stop me?”

  
“No…” She furrowed her brows. “I… came to warn Kanou and the others that the CCG is outside the building. I was going to help them move everything into hiding and make sure Ayato-kun was okay.”

  
“...” He didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. Ayato wasn’t in the room anymore, and it had to be because of her. “You may want to move yourself to safety, Hinami-chan. It doesn’t sound like you staying in Aogiri is the best option now.”

  
The words he just spoke felt like sandpaper in his mouth. He wanted to just take her and bring her with him, because if the CCG didn’t find her do put an end to her life, Aogiri would just corrupt her further.

  
Protect her… he wanted to protect her from everything.

  
“You’re not my onii-chan…” The words stung. His chest hurt, but he couldn’t show her that. He continued to give her that same mask she threw back at him. “He was never like this, even when he was part of Aogiri Tree.”

  
Slowly, she turned her back to him and ran from the lab. In his head he was screaming… begging for her to turn around and come back. But he just watched her go, and let himself get lost in becoming transfixed on the open doorway from which she disappeared out of. Everything that happened after hearing her words was a blur; taking the gasoline from Yomo and spreading it throughout the room, standing in the doorway of the room as Kurona threw the ignited lighter.

Kurona tried to speak to him as they ran through the underground and into the safety of Yomo’s car, but everything was a mute silence.Yomo drove where they could get a closer look at their handiwork without getting close enough to where the CCG has the building blocked off, and in the distance Kaneki could see a blonde CCG investigator sitting in an ambulance.

  
Long hair. It reached past his shoulders, and it looked like he was putting up a fight with the doctor. It looked like Hide… and something broke in him as he continued to watch the investigator instead of the fire.

  
 _I’m just hallucinating now_ , Kaneki told himself, as he hugged his knees to his chest.  _The fumes from the gasoline are messing with my head_.

  
“I think we’ve been spotted… I’m pulling out of here. Our job is done everyone, good work.” Yomo’s voice sounded far away and muffled, and he wanted to break when the blonde actually looked at the car. Looked at him.

  
_It’s a hallucination, it’s not real. Not real. Can’t be real. Hide is dead. He’s gone. Not coming back._

  
“Quickly… please.” The weak plea tumbled from his lips and somebody pulled his gaze away from the window. They wrapped their arms around him and pulled him close. This person wanted him to breathe, because he can. He can because everything he wanted was done, and it was over.

  
It’s uncertain when a sea of black overtakes him again, but it was unlike the last time. There was no monster wanting to take control of him. It’s much more peaceful, and he tried to get closer to the source of warmth that held him. Then finally, sleep took him.


	13. Interlude: Fight Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning to those who are easily triggered by things that may involve PTSD, please tread into this interlude with caution. I wouldn't want people to go into this chapter without being warned, because the last thing I want is for people to feel uncomfortable in any sort of way. 
> 
> There's also hospitalization in this chapter as well, but I tried not to really delve too much into that aspect... but be careful if you're triggered by that too. <3

_Nothing could stop the panicked rush that coursed through Hide’s chest and numbed his entire body. It made his breath quicken, his face turn hot, and he started to tremble in fear. The quinque in his hands felt too heavy, and everything seemed to move in slow motion around him._

  
_But his eyes were locked on that face. Well… no. It wasn’t a face. It was that_ mask.  _He could never forget how terrifying it was the first time he encountered it, or the horrendous pain that he was inflicted because of the thing that wore it._

  
 _It was fight or flight, and Hide_ flew.  _When all the other investigators and the Quinx stood their ground against the ghoul he booked it in the other direction and didn’t look back. As soon as he was away from the screaming, the gunshots and the sound of quinque steel meeting kagune he collapsed into a small corner._

  
He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me.  _The thought repeated in his head and nothing could stop the overbearing wave of fear. His arms wrapped around his knees and he pressed his face against them trying to control his breathing. It felt like he was suffocating. The walls were closing in around him._

  
He’s going to kill me… again. I’m going to die again.

  
…But at least I’ll get to see Kaneki.

  
“ _Investigator Nagachika!” Hide flinched at the sudden voice, and the sound of approaching footsteps. Akira looked down at the trembling mess that was her underling, and dropped to her knees next to him. His squad followed behind with their quinques still out and ready to fight. They watched as Akira slid a thumb under Hide’s right eye. Hide noted the frown on her face, and the look of concern that crossed it. It made him shake harder._

  
“ _I…I can’t… I can’t…. breathe,” he told her, squeezing his eyes shut. She pulled her hand away from his face and wrapped it around his arm instead. Mutsuki approached slowly and took his other arm. “He’s… Akira-san…. he’s going…. to kill us.”_ Kill me. He’s going to kill me.

  
“ _Nagachika-san… we’re going to get you out of here.” Mutsuki’s voice as slow as all the movement around him. He could barely hear Akira’s voice speaking into her com next to him, all he could focus on was Mutsuki’s scent. His underling wrapped his arms around the half ghoul, making small whispered hushes in an attempt to calm him down. “Breathe, Nagachika-san. Just breathe._

  
“ _Washu is pulling us from the raid,” Akira told them all, slowly getting to her feet and nodding at Tooru to help Hide do the same. “Let’s go.”_

  
_They were so wrapped up in what was going on within the group that they didn’t notice the figure standing right behind them. They didn’t catch the familiar glint in his eyes and the small smirk that played on blackened lips. He watched them in silence while trying to control the urge to laugh. Akira finally looked up and stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes growing wide as a small gasp left her lips._

  
“ _Taki…zawa…” The name alone made Hide look up at the male in front of them. Dread set into his stomach and made his condition worse._

  
I can’t breathe. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.

  
_Death… how silly a concept. He watched Takizawa get swallowed up by that ghoul’s kagune, watched as he himself had become his next target. But they weren’t dead, no. From what Hide could tell from the single black eye looking at him with curiosity, they suffered a similar fate._

  
“ _Aw, you do remember me, Akira-chan! I’m so happy… this will make our fight that much more enjoyable! Who’s your little friend? That can’t be… Hideyoshi!” An eruption of hysterical laughter broke out from his mouth. “My gopher… is now a_ ghoul _? I’ll have to test his skills!”_

* * *

  
The blonde shook himself from his nightmare in ragged and harsh breaths as he turned to look at the person sitting beside his bed. He wanted to groan in annoyance that they probably called her out from work due to what happened, because it wasn’t the first time that Washuu requested for her to offer Hide her company. Sure, her presence helped to sooth the fear that continued to creep in his veins over all the surrounding hospital equipment, but this wasn’t doing her any good. Gently, he reached out to shake at her shoulder and waited until her green eyes looked up at him.

  
“Go home Okasan. That chair must not be very comfortable.” A smile formed on his lips and grew bigger when she reached her own hand up to his.

  
“Are you feeling okay?” she asked him, sleep still evident in her voice. “When they called…”

  
“I know,” he told her, his smile starting to fade. “But I’m fine. A small panic attack won’t hold me down, I promise.” Small panic attack was just grazing the surface of what he actually went through and they both knew that, but eventually Hide figured it would pass. It had to eventually. This couldn’t be something he would be stuck with forever, right?

  
“What happened, Yoshi-chan?” She sat forward in her chair, but never let go of her son’s hand. “For them to have pulled you out of a raid, it must have been a serious ‘small’ attack.” She used her free hand to parenthesize the word.

  
“I-”  _Don’t want to worry you. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to admit I’m weak and can’t stomach the sight of anything involving the last night I was human._  He scratched the side of his cheek before finishing his sentence. “I can’t remember most of it… it’s all blurred together and confusing.”

  
“Kid… you were apparently so freaked out that your eye was  _black_  when Mado-san found you. Then you fought them getting into the ambulance and it took an entire team of paramedics to hold, and calm you down. How could you forget something that scared you that badly? I’m calling bullshit.”

  
An opportunity presented itself where Hide could have rebutted her statement and told her that everything involving the paramedics was directly linked to his fear of all medical things, but he kept himself silent instead. It wouldn’t have been the full truth anyway.

  
“I think I saw something that night.” The words come out of his mouth slowly, trying to make sure that everything is said the way he wants it to sound. “I’m scared that if I tell any of the doctors this that they’ll think I’m crazy, because what I saw isn’t  _possible_. So… can you just keep this between us?”

  
“I pinky swear it,” she replied with a small smirk as she broke her grasp of Hide’s hand to wrap her pinky with his. “Spill it, Yoshi.”

  
“I was sitting on the edge of the ambulance truck trying to regain control of my breathing. Everything around me was chaos because a somebody started a fire within the building and the CCG was trying to get all of the investigators out. I happened to look away from the flames and…” His brows furrowed in concentration.

  
“And…?”

  
“I saw Kaneki.” It sounded crazier saying it out loud but it was out now. “He was in a car behind the CCG line and… it was him. I know it was him. I’m not the only one who saw the car, either.”

  
“Maybe it was somebody who looked a lot like Kaneki-san,” his mom offered, but Hide shook his head in protest.

  
“No. I saw  _Kaneki_. I’m fully aware that it was probably my head playing tricks on me, but that’s what I saw.” Not probably. Definitely. Kaneki was dead and unless Hide had the capability to see ghosts now then that couldn’t have been it. “I think I may have been hallucinating, and it’s sort of freaking me out.”

  
Hallucinations were never something that Hide had to deal with before, so he never had to read up on potential causes and how to keep them at bay. But his mother was a nurse, so she could probably tell him why he could have seen things that weren’t there. She rubbed small circles into his hand with her thumb as her brows furrowed in the same concentrated look that Hide had earlier.

  
“It could have something to do with your breathing troubles,” she noted after a small moment of silence. “Look, I won’t tell you what to do with your life; you’re a grown up and you’ve had no problems making your own decisions so far. But you need to face the issues that you know you’re currently having, and take care of them. I… don’t think it’s wise that you go to the ‘States knowing that you have panic attacks, and have been experiencing visual halluc-”

  
“It only happened once.”

  
“What if it happens again, and you’re in America?”

  
“Then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” His mother sat back in her chair and sighed, rubbing at her temples. “Speaking of America… my plane leaves in two days. I got my schedule in my work e-mail and it said I won’t be back in Tokyo until November. I’ll be here from then until the first week of January on paid vacation. I was hoping we could make some plans to go back to Okinawa, since you always wanted to go.”

  
His mother nodded and he knew that if she wasn’t currently worrying herself over what he told her that she would have been smiling. Just like he always wanted to go to America, his mother wanted to go to Okinawa. According to her, they used to have family that lived there before relocating closer to Tokyo. Hide liked to think that it was one of the cooler things about his family, and it made him happy that it was something that his mother loved.

  
“Okay. Let’s start planning then, shall we?” He put on a smile for her after he said it, but it would take a lot more convincing on his end to make her feel okay about him leaving the country now that he told her the truth.

* * *

  
He got out of the hospital the next day after providing the doctor with more blood samples. Once he was on the elevator heading to his father’s office, he let out a heavy sigh. His fingers ghosted over the area where the blood was taken from.

  
 _Damn vampires… man I hate doctors_.

 

The elevator doors opened and the sight of his father in front of him stopped him dead in his tracks. Washuu offered him a small smile before stepping into the elevator and pressed the button for the top floor.

  
“Stay here,” Washuu told Hide, looking over at him. Hide did as he was told, and watched as the elevator doors closed in front of them both. “Now that you’re out from your hospital care, you can make your statement about what happened to your grandfather. Akira and the rest of the Quinx Squad are already up there informing him of what happened.” Hide couldn’t think of anything important enough to reply with, so he just offered a nod. The elevator was silent for barely a minute before Washuu tried to break it.

  
“Are you finally happy to be leaving tomorrow?”  _Small talk. Great. Awesome._

  
“Yes, sir.”

  
“Good… good.” Washuu looked down at the ground as he thought of what to say. “We should do something together before you leave. I would at least like to get to know you a little better before you’ll be gone for several months.”  _Why won’t this elevator go any quicker_?

  
“I would rather not,” he replied, not bothering to look at the deadbeat. “I need to make sure I’m ready to leave, and the squad asked if I would spend the evening with them.” It was a lie. Saiko had merely mentioned wanting to marathon game walkthroughs online, and Mutsuki said that he would join. Shirazu would probably offer to hang out later and he didn’t expect too much from Urie. But he never made any solid plans with them. He was just desperate enough to get out of yet another attempt from his father to “get to know him better,” when he had so much time to do that beforehand.

  
“Just once Hide… would it be so hard to give your old man the benefit of the doubt?” The elevator doors opened, and the pair stood there looking outside without making an effort to actually leave. Guilt began to present itself in Hide’s mind when there was no reason for it. He had absolutely no reason to feel that way, but Washuu’s words were plaguing him.

  
“Fine,” Hide replied as he stepped out of the elevator. Washuu followed after him, and Hide caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a smile on the older male’s lips.

  
He opened the doors to his grandfather’s office. The room itself was huge, and the man with the long white hair and beard looked up at them in the doorway. Everyone else looked in their direction afterward, which made Hide feel like he was on the spot. He offered a small wave with a huge grin, before moving to stand next to Akira.

  
“Now that you’re all here, I can finalize everyone’s statements and get back to work.” It would be the last time throughout the meeting that his grandfather would look up at the group. Tsuneyoshi Washuu never seemed like the kind of person to ever really offer anything more than a professional relationship with Hide, which was so unlike his father. Sometimes, there were moments where Hide wished that his grandfather would rub off on Yoshitoki so he could go back to pretending that his life the way it used to be before that Antieku Raid. Everything was so much better when it was just him and his mother. “Hideyoshi, you were reported to have run off away from battle, which I will have to keep in your folder for documentation. Explain yourself.”

  
“I didn’t mean to run off… it was never my intention to leave my squad behind.” Hide scratched at his cheek; the entire room had a heavy atmosphere and it made him uncomfortable. He knew that it wasn’t just a small panic attack, especially when he has had nightmares about that ghoul’s mask almost every night since he woke up from his coma. “It’s no secret that I was the victim of a ghoul attack last year. He was there that night, Sir. He was right in front of me, and all I could see were flashbacks of that night. I explained this to the doctor already, and he said that I may have post traumatic stress after what happened.”

  
“That cannot happen again.” Tsuneyoshi made it sound like Hide chose to have a panic attack, but he offered a small nod anyway. “Your peers have reported seeing Takizawa Seidou. What do you have to say about that?”

  
“…To be honest Sir… that’s a loaded question. To me, Takizawa Seidou was an investigator with a drive to do what was right. I may have just been someone that ran his errands, but that much was evident. The ghoul that threatened our lives that night… was a shell of the person he used to be. It’s hard to say that he was the Seidou-san that  _I_  knew.”

  
“I’ll make sure that is documented.” Tsuneyoshi started to slowly write down the details on the official papers, and they all watched in silence as he did so.

  
“Does this mean that we should start making plans to go after Takizawa-san then?” Yoshitoki asked, speaking for the first time since he joined in the meeting with him.

  
“We have to. If we can get him placed in Cochlea, we may be able to extract information out of him. For all we know, it’s possible he’s not the only investigator from the raid on Antieku that went missing is still alive.” Tsuneyoshi cleared his throat and reached over for the bottled water sitting in front of him. “Also Nagachika-san, for future references I don’t like dealing with anything more than a yes or no question unless the answer is important. Your thoughts on the matter aren’t what I would consider vital and should be kept to yourself.”

  
 _Ouch_.

  
“Yes sir,” Hide replied sheepishly.

  
“Good. You’re all dismissed, get back to work.”

* * *

  
Once work was over and he received a text from Washuu with the address of where he wanted them to meet, he flagged down a cab. It took him to the front of a coffee shop that he had never seen before (probably because he wasn’t a big coffee drinker even as a half ghoul, so he never found the need to find one) and he found it’s appearance to be a bit familiar somehow. Washuu was sitting against a table next to the window and Hide noted the small wave he was given before walking inside to accompany him. There was a cup of coffee already sitting on his side of the table, so he assumed that Washuu already ordered for the both of them.

  
“I’m really happy we’re able to finally do this,” Washuu commented as Hide sat down across from him. “I was beginning to worry that… I wouldn’t be given the chance.”

  
“I was feeling generous,” Hide told him seriously. “Plus I kind of figured you’d never let up on trying anyway. I also have questions to ask you myself, staring with the future of my squad.” Washuu raised his own cup of coffee to his lips, humming in response.

  
“We took your recommendations into consideration, but I believe Akira noted that Urie is more then ready to jump into your position, and then move Shirazu up to squad leader. We understand that Urie will need some guidance but he really is the best person to fill the position.” Hide wanted to roll his eyes at that, because in his opinion, Urie needed more than just  _guidance_. Just like what he wrote in his notes, Urie was brash and acted impulsively. The Quinx’s current squad leader never thought about the team’s best interest and only thought about what was best for himself. It didn’t matter how many times Hide himself sat Urie down to confront him about his behavior, he was always that way. Maybe he should have acted sooner, and demoted Urie down and Shirazu  _up_. It was too late now though. Their fate was now in the hands of the CCG. “I would rather keep everything involving work out of this conversation, Son.”

  
“Okay…” Hide raised the cup to his lips, taking a small sip. “Washuu if I’m allowed to be blunt for once, why are we doing this?”

  
“Doing what?” The older investigator raised his brows at the question.

  
“If anybody else was brought to the CCG for medical attention the way I was, you never would have signed off on an experimental surgery to turn the patient into a half ghoul… but you did it for me.” Hide placed the cup back down and placed his hands onto the table. He was about to unload a lot of pent up anger and hurt; something he never thought he would ever be able to reveal.

  
“I couldn’t just… let you remain in that coma.”

  
“ _Why_? I was practically  _dead_  to you for twenty years!” His hands started to shake, and he removed them from the table and put them both into his lap. “Do you even realize how many times I’ve tried to reach out to you as a kid! I craved a father growing up! Do you know how many times I’ve searched you on the internet and pulled up pictures of you with Matsuri and cried because I wanted to be him?”

  
“Hideyosh-”

  
“I’m not finished.” His voice was gravely stern. “You wanted to know why I’ve ignored you… why I’ve hated you. I’m giving you your answer. Hell, maybe this is why I wanted to come and meet with you in the first place.” He felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes, but he was so far into letting everything out that he didn’t really care. He stood up from his chair, feeling too confined. “I can’t show  _respect_  for somebody who wouldn’t return my calls, or answer my letters… you wouldn’t even open them! How could you do that to me… I was five, seven, nine years old when I reached out to you!”

  
“This is hardly the time and place for this.” Yoshitoki’s voice was even and low as he looked up at him. “Sit down. Now.”

  
“Excuse me…” A hand fell onto his shoulder from behind him, and Hide quickly whipped around to face the person addressing him. “I’ll need to ask you both to- …  _Hide_?”

  
He noticed the short purple hair, the eyes and it finally clicked who she  _was_.

  
“Touka… chan.” Hide felt like an idiot; losing his cool in the small coffee shop where everybody’s eyes were currently on both him and Yoshitoki. He felt himself bowing down to her sheepishly. “I’m… sorry for causing so much commotion.”

  
“It’s fine, Hide… raise your head. Just as long as the two of you keep it down for the rest of the duration here.” Hide noted her gentle smile, and was thankful that she could be so forgiving when he knew he had made a fool out of himself.

  
“Well you two obviously know each other,” Yoshitoki stood up from his chair and extended his hand toward her which she took into her own. “I’m his father.”

  
 _Or lack thereof_ , Hide wants to say aloud, but kept it to himself.

  
“She was sitting for Kamii University when I met her,” Hide explained. “I offered her a small tour. Do you… work here?”

  
“Not exactly,” she replied, returning the smile. “I’m the owner of this coffee shop. I opened up :Re a few months ago, and business has been surprisingly steady since then. But… I don’t want to intrude on you two, but we should catch up later.”

  
“We may need to plan that for this evening then, before I head back home. I won’t be in the country by tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be living in America for awhile.”  _Or for good, if I can get my way._

  
Her smile fell as she heard the news, and the look she gave him had some sort of alarm.

  
“Please,” she replied. “There’s… quite a bit I need to catch you up to speed with.” Touka turned to Washuu, offering him a small nod before going toward the back of the cafe to check on another table. He felt a smile tugging at his lips as he sat back down, not that it lasted for too much longer. Washuu was smiling at him like he had some sort of secret to hover over his son now.

  
“I apologize for my outburst, but I won’t take back the things I said.” Hide fished around his pockets for money, before Yoshitoki reached out to stop him.

  
“I understand where you’re coming from, believe me. Maybe one day I can finally tell you the truth about why I didn’t make an effort to be in your life more, just like I hope that you’ll one day forgive me for being absent while you grew up.” He stood up from his chair and placed the tab on the table. “For now, I’ll offer you the time you need to feel comfortable about talking to me, but I won’t stop putting in the effort that I failed to do earlier which I apologize for.” Washuu’s eyes drift over to where Touka is taking someone’s order and the smile returns to his face. “Have fun catching up with you romantic interest… you deserve to have some fun before you leave.”

  
His voice got lodged in his throat as his father walked over to the front door. He thought… that Touka and him…?

“She’s not my romantic  _anything_!” He belted out a little too late, but he could catch his father’s small chuckle as the door closed behind him.

  
Hide remained seated at the table, and waited for Touka to notice that he was by himself. She walked back over to him.

  
“Yomo-san is going to watch the few tables I have left. You and I need to talk, in private.” She sounded serious, and she was already walking toward the back as Hide got up from the chair and followed after her. She led him into the back where she had two green couches facing each other, with a coffee table sitting in the middle. She untied the apron and hung it on a coatree in the corner of the room before having a seat. “Sit down, please. What I have to tell you is… you’re going to want to sit down.”

  
Hide moves over to the couch and takes a seat opposite from her. She sounded and looked serious about whatever it was she had to say. He couldn’t help but to ponder over things that Touka could possibly bring up, but arrived at only one conclusion.

  
The only person that they were really linked by.

  
“If this is about Kaneki… I already know.” His voice broke on his friend’s name.  _I know about his death. I know he was killed by Arima. I know everything, and I’m still not over it so I’d rather not talk about it._

  
“Huh… what exactly do you know?” she asked, fear rising in her voice.

  
“I know he’s…” He leaned his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands. “He’s dead.”

  
“Hide…” She moved from her seat and sat next to him. She placed a small hand onto his shoulder, and squeezed gently. “I’m so sorry that you were led to believe that.”

  
_What? Believe… what?_

  
“Kaneki is alive, Hide,” she told him, and in that instant everything around him stopped moving. The cars and people outside stopped moving to their destinations, life around him stopped, and the world stopped turning on it’s axis. The overbearing sadness that he carried around with him for that past month slowly twisted and formed into something that he didn’t think he’d ever feel again.

  
Happiness. Overbearing happiness. The tears returned, and fell down his cheeks as he let out a sob.

  
“H…Hide?”

  
“He’s… alive. He’s alive… he’s alive…  _he’s alive_.” He turned to Touka, wiping sheepishly at his eyes with a grin on his face. “How though? How did he get passed Arima?”

  
“That’s something he’ll have to tell you for himself…” Her reply was gentle. “But… He thinks you’re dead, and that’s why I was so shocked to see you in :Re today. According to him, you were brain dead. But… not to sound rude, you smell like a  _ghoul_ …”

  
There was so much confusion wrapped within the situation, and he understood that Touka was trying to wrap her head around how she was even speaking to him right now. With a shaky breath he explained it all to her; confirming the fact that he was brain dead, the experimental surgery that mirrored the one Kaneki had done that saved him from that severe coma, how the CCG let him continue living and created the Quinx through the knowledge of what they discovered through his surgery. In the end he told her how he was an investigator for the CCG and was being transferred to America, along with his reasons for doing it.

  
“I couldn’t face Arima after what he told me… I couldn’t really look at any of them the same way again. All that time of adjusting to my life as a ghoul and… I let them lie to me, right to my face. I figured… why not move to America? I always wanted to go right? But now I don’t feel like I can anymore, not while Kaneki is out there alive.”

  
“I was hoping you would say that,” Touka replied, reaching into her pocket to retrieve her phone. “I can call him right now and-”

  
“No,” Hide replied quickly, not quite sure how to hold back a smile. “I would like to surprise him.”

  
“Okay… But we should at least let Nishiki know.”

* * *

  
The first thing he could really think of doing while he walked back to the Chateau was to text his mother with the promise of really important news. His mother was probably working, so he wasn’t expecting to really receive a call anytime soon. The last thing he wanted was for her to wait to see him off at the airport and him not be there.

  
“Oooh, you’re home!” Saiko practically lept up from the couch and flung her arms around his waist. “I thought you forgot all about me!”

  
“Forget about you?” He threw her a small grin. “Never in a million years. Where is everyone? I have some things to talk about with you all before we marathon those videos, okay?” Saiko nodded and then practically ran up the stairs to knock on everyone’s door. He waited a few moments before everyone came down from their bedrooms and sat down onto the couch in front of the television. “I think that’s the fastest anyone has ever been able to get any of you here for a squad meeting.”

  
“How could we not?” Tooru replied with a small voice. He didn’t seem very excited to be there. “…It’s your last meeting as our mentor.”

  
“Yet I still had to practically drag Urie down here by the ear,” Shirazu added, noting the eye roll Urie threw him in response. Hide couldn’t help but laugh at the two of them and then sat down on the coffee table facing them.

  
“I didn’t have anything planned to say, but I’m used to just winging it and hoping for the best most times so I guess this is just another one to add to the list. I don’t plan to lecture you, or go over strategy tactics. It’s not my place to do that anymore. Instead… I want to reach out to you as, well, as an older brother. When I was told that I was going to be helping to lead and shape a group of investigators that were basically a beta group for the CCG, I was hesitant. But you guys worked hard and proved yourselves. I’m proud that I’m able to say that I was your mentor. If I end up missing anybody from the CCG, it’s going to be you guys.”

  
Saiko was dabbing at her eyes, and he was only halfway through what he had to say.  Shirazu seemed to be preparing himself for his own waterworks, already reaching over Urie to grab a few tissues from the box sitting there. There was a small ounce of guilt that he felt as he sat there preparing his squad for his departure, when he wasn’t leaving the country. But they couldn’t know, and secretly it hurt him.

  
“I wish I could say that it’ll get easier for you all and that people will grow to respect you and not judge you eventually. It’ll take a lot more work, but eventually everyone will grow to respect you the way I do. Keep working hard… continue to make me proud. That’s it, that’s all I have to say. You can all go back to whatever it was that you were doing.”

  
Tooru was the first to stand up and he belted up the stairs before anyone could say anything. Urie soon followed after, but Shirazu stayed behind.

  
“Mutsuki ain’t taking this so well,” he told Hide with a frown. “You may want to go talk to him.” Hide could sense that vibe coming from Mutsuki ever since he told them all about his plans to leave, but he didn’t think it would ever affect him  _that_  much. Hide glanced over at Saiko, who was already waving him off with one of her small hands as she plugged the HDMI cable into the TV.

 

“Go check on him, and see if he wants to join us.”

  
He offered Saiko a small, silent nod in thanks as he climbed up the stairs and made his way to Mutsuki’s door. His knuckles knocked quietly, picking up the small sounds of his underling moving around inside the door opened and one eye peeked outside.

  
It was filled with tears, and he wished he wasn’t causing the younger male so much sadness. Hide watched as the door opened up wider and Tooru went to sit on his bed.

  
“I don’t think I really want to talk,” he muttered sadly, voice breaking mid sentence. Hide walked into the room and pulled the door closed behind them, before going to sit beside him and pressed his own back against the wall the bed was sitting against.

  
“That’s fine,” he replied. Mutsuki turned to face him, and Hide extended his arm outward. His underling accepted his unspoken invitation and let his mentor wrap an arm around his trembling form. “Then maybe I could sit with you for awhile instead?”

  
“Damn,” Tooru cursed under his breath, trying to snuggle himself closer as he finally let his real tears out. “ _Why_  do you have to go? You’re the only person I can really talk to here and you won’t be here anymore. It’s… it’s not fair…”

* * *

  
_Screams. They filled his lungs, his mouth, and ripped through his body as the kagune pierced through his flesh. Blood soaked into his clothes instantaneously and the pain was unbearable enough that he felt like he couldn’t stand anymore. The ghoul walked closer to him slowly, and Hide looked up at the menacing smile that was painted onto the mask. It scared him worse than the impending death that he knew he was currently facing._

  
“ _Please…” Hide tried to scoot back and his lips trembled in fear. Tears streamed down in face and the ghoul stopped as he heard the small plea. “I… I need to find my friend. Please let me go find him, I’ll do anything…”_  Please don’t finish me off. Please let me go find him. I need to save Kaneki.

  
“ _Leave it, Noro. He’s going to die anyway. The more CCG dead, the better off.”_

* * *

  
His body jolted from the nightmare and it took a few seconds to realize that the painful memory was only just a nightmare. A sharp pain dimly reminded the half ghoul of the position he fell asleep in halfway through the videos Saiko marathoned with him. He fell asleep with his cheek pressed up against the arm of the couch and his legs being held onto tightly by Mutsuki. Saiko somehow found a way to drape her entire body over his torso and fall asleep upside down with her arms dangling. If it wasn’t for the incessant buzzing of his phone on the table, Hide would have continued sleeping that way until he felt well rested, but every minute or so the buzzing would stop and then pick right back up again.

  
“Five more minutes… gotta pummel… stupid idiot…” Saiko’s voice drifted in and out of sleep before falling back into a sound snore once more. Hide groaned before reaching out to grab the noisy contraption that he no longer wanted any part of.

  
That is, until he noticed it was his mother calling.

  
“Ah, sorry,” Hide mumbled sleepily into the phone, yawning slightly as he tried to maneuver himself around the two Quinx. “What time is it, Okasan?”

  
“ _Time for you to get a watch, Kid_ ,” his mother replied, sounding wide awake. He finally got Saiko off of his upper body and managed to untangle his legs from Tooru’s arms. “ _It’s eleven, and I’m waiting outside in the car for you. If we don’t leave like… now, you’re going to up missing your flight._ ”

  
“Crap!” Hide groaned, walking out to the front door where his mother was sitting, now looking at him from inside the car. He ran out to the vehicle and let himself into the passenger seat.

  
“I think you’re forgetting a few things– clothes, a chance to run a brush through your hair… and gosh did you brush your teeth? I can smell the morning breath from here and it’s  _gross_.” There was a teasing smile playing at her lips. He let out a loud groan as he scooted closer to his door and waited for his mother to settle down. Most of the time his mother’s boisterous attitude was refreshing, but at the current moment he wasn’t a huge fan.

  
“Okasaaaaaan, I need you to be serious, and I need you to swear that you won’t say anything to anyone about what I’m about to tell you. It’s important.”

  
“I pinky swear,” she replied, holding hers out so Hide could latch his pinky to it. “Spill.”

  
“Kaneki is alive.” It felt so good to say it to someone outside of Touka and Nishiki. It felt good and he wanted to say it over and over again out loud to just to cement it into reality. “I can’t tell you how I found out, and I wish I could. I know where he is, and I’m going to go find him.”

  
“Yoshi…” Her voice trailed off and a frown settled on her lips where her teasing smirk used to lay. “It’s not possib-”

  
“Arima-san didn’t kill him and when I find Kaneki I can find out what really happened. But for now… I need a ride to the train station instead. Nobody can know about where I’m going, I need you to pretend that you’re completely unaware if you’re asked.” He took her hand in his and squeezed gently, before raising his brown hues up to meet hers. “Please Okasan… I  _need_ this.”

  
His mother used her free hand, and wrapped it around her son’s shoulder.

  
“Go into the Chateau and get ready to leave. You’re going to have to make your squad believe that you’re leaving for your plane but… I’ll take you to the train station.”

  
Tears welled up in Hide’s eyes. Regardless of how she was sometimes, Yona Nagachika was dependable when it came to what he needed.

  
“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” His voice was quiet and muffled against her shoulder, but she heard it anyway. She placed a kiss on his forehead as they pulled away from each other.

  
Hide couldn’t really believe it.

  
He was finally going  _home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is gonna be a doozy, huh? :3
> 
> What do you all think will happen in the next chapter? I have it already written out, but I'm giving everyone some time to soak up stuff from this chapter. :D


	14. Stay Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sweater lost its smell. Kaneki was expecting for this to happen eventually, but finally realizing it caused him to feel emptier than he already did. With a small sigh he dropped the article of clothing into the laundry hamper and started muddling through the unpacked box for something new. There was nothing that his fingertips touched that felt as soft as what he was used to now, but he figured that he’d eventually get over it.

The sweater lost its smell.

  
Kaneki was expecting for this to happen eventually, but finally realizing it caused him to feel emptier than he already did. With a small sigh he dropped the article of clothing into the laundry hamper and started muddling through the unpacked box for something new. There was nothing that his fingertips touched that felt as soft as what he was used to now, but he figured that he’d eventually get over it.

  
He pulled the off-white shirt out from its confinement and tossed it onto the bed.

  
The cell phone sitting in his pocket started to buzz frantically, and he wasted no time in picking it up.

“ _I’m getting tired of this… that kid is back_.” Shirori; it wasn’t even a guess. It was a wonder why Nishio was actually getting annoyed. Shirori seemed like a good kid from what Kaneki had observed, and he wasn’t all too sure why Nishiki didn’t  _like_  him. The Hide-Away has regulars that come in everyday like that kid does, and his employee never once complained about them.

  
“He’ll drink his coffee and leave like he always does,” Kaneki told him, collapsing onto the bed so he could bring the shirt up to his nose. Perfect. The smell was back and he could feel every muscle in his body relax from the scent. “Did you call just for that, or…?”

  
“ _No, I’m wondering when you’ll get your ass out of bed and come back to work. It was fine when you sprung the responsibility onto me last minute when you went to Tokyo, but you’re back now. It’s been almost a week now, and I don’t think you left that damn apartment of yours once. Stock is also running low now because_ Tsukiyama  _won’t go out and get any meat, Banjou practically sleeps all day so he can patrol the area at night so I can’t get his help… Kaneki this isn’t fair_.”

  
 _When has life ever been fair_ , he wanted to ask, but decided against it. For what it was worth, Nishiki was right. Kaneki has been abusing Nishiki’s kindness.

  
“Okay, I’ll go drop in on Tsukiyama and see what his deal is. Once I’m done with him I’ll drop by the coffee shop and help out with the inventory and offer you the next two days off. I…I’m sorry that I’ve been working you to the bone. I just needed a few days to clear my head, but I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you that way.”

  
There was no answer from the other line, but he knew Nishiki was still there. “...Nishio-senpai?”

  
“ _He’s flirting… with Kurona_.” It was said in a hushed whisper. “ _This kid seriously think he has a chance… pathetic._ ”

  
“I’ll see you later,” Kaneki told him, before hanging up the phone and placing it onto the bed. Now he was expected to get up and actually be productive, which was the exactly opposite of what he really felt like doing. When he was in his room, he couldn’t hurt anyone. He spent days trying to keep the Centipede part of him locked up, but the voices still leaked through and somehow bounced off the walls of his bedroom. Banjou had stopped by one of the nights that it had gotten bad and even after pleading for him to just leave, he sat by his bedside and just spoke to him.

  
“ _I hurt you,” Kaneki’s voice croaked through the hoarseness that coated his throat. “I don’t want it to happen again.”_

  
“ _It won’t happen,” Banjou stated, trying to sound reassuring. “Would you like me to tell you why?” A shrug fell onto the half ghoul’s shoulders as he brought the sweater closer and let the last bit of the lingering scent waft into his nostrils. “I have this really god-awful kagune. I’d show you but I wouldn’t want you to laugh yourself to death… but I can use it to heal pretty horrid wounds rather quickly. I used it that night we raided the lab, actually.”_

  
“ _Guess I missed the magic moment,” Kaneki muttered half-heartedly. His remark earned a smirk from the older ghoul, who rested a hand on Kaneki’s shoulder. The contact, although Kaneki flinched slightly at first, was welcomed. “Banjou-san… I can’t go back to Tokyo after our last visit.”_

  
“ _Why would we have to?”_

  
“ _Because regardless of the fact that I got what I wanted… Aogiri still hasn’t been taken down. I wanted that initially, but I knew it wasn’t realistic. Even if the opportunity presented itself though… I can’t. I don’t think I would mentally survive it the next time around. I can’t risk hurting you, or anyone else like that again. What if I hurt someone I care about that doesn’t have the power to heal themselves the way you do?”_

  
That hadn’t been his only fear, but for the sake of trying to keep Banjou’s sanity in check, he kept his other thoughts and horrors silent. How could he explain to someone that the voices warped into something far worse than the voices of Rize and Yamori? How could he explain to anyone that he now heard his own warped voice in his head whispering things that were so traumatizing that he couldn’t fall asleep? Ken knew that he passed the point of sanity a long time ago, but he was becoming scared of himself now.

  
That, and how could he explain to someone that he was conflicted on whether or not he would even want to survive next time?

 

Fishing around in his drawers he settled upon a pair of black slacks and shoes, but then realised that most of his own clothes were in dirty now. He eyed the box in the closet and knew that it was his last shred of hope at finding something decent to wear.

  
If you could consider the vibrant colours Hide used to parade around in  _decent_ , and the orange polo shirt that he pulled out of the box was no exception.

  
It didn’t matter though; he would probably receive a few raised brows from Tsukiyama and Kanae over his different fashion choices, but other then that he didn’t see a need to really care about how he looked.

 

As he descended down the staircase he looked over to the MP3 player plugged into the wall and thought about whether or not he should bring it with him.

  
 _Use it when I miss you huh Hide?_  He walked toward it and stuck into his pocket. He grabbed the headphones and placed them around his neck and finally left the apartment for the first time in days. He punched in Kanae’s number and waited until he answered the phone and requested to be picked up.

* * *

 

  
Throughout the entire duration of the ride Kanae was gravely silent, which was a first considering how the never seemed to be on the right foot with each other. The vibe Kanae was giving off was different to what he was used to, and he had half a mind to actually ask him what was wrong. It wasn’t until Kanae brought him upstairs to Tsukiyama’s bedroom that Kaneki found out the reason.

  
From his last visit to Shuu’s household, he could remember Tsukiyama looking smaller than usual, but it was obvious at that moment that his clothes hid a lot of the actual frailty of his group member. His usual bravado seemed to just be a facade for Tsukiyama to hide behind, because the person in front of him was what Kaneki assumed to be the inner layers. His torso was bandaged up with medical tape and gauze, but it was stained a deep red, and bandages winded around the Gourmet’s head. Kanae stood next to him in silence, but reached out a hand toward his master.

  
“Shuu-sama… you have a visitor.” Tsukiyama remained motionless on the bed; his eyes shut lightly as he remained asleep. Kanae turned toward Kaneki with a serious expression on his face. “I hate asking you for anything at this point, but I’m reaching a point of desparity now. He won’t eat anything. It’s like he can’t stomach the taste of anything anymore, and he can’t recover from his battle wounds because of it.”

  
“I’ll see what I can do…” Kaneki went over to the corner of the room and pulled a chair over so he could sit beside his ill comrade. He should have known; should have been able to see the warning signs. It seemed like the two of them were stuck like a boat in the middle of a stormy sea, and he had no idea of how to reach out to Shuu when he couldn’t even figure out a way to help himself. There was a book sitting on his nightstand, and he reached out a hand to gently touch the engraved letters at the top. He pulled the book into his lap, and noticed in his peripheral vision that Tsukiyama stirred.

  
“When I found that book, it reminded me of you,” Tsukiyama commented, voice soft like he was still trying to pull himself from dreaming. “When I finished it, I was going to let you borrow it since you used to love reading so much. I thought I could… bring back a part of you that seemed to be lost now.” He wanted to offer a smile, but Tsukiyama’s surprisingly kind thoughts along with his current predicament only made him feel more sad. Lost. Lonely. Empty.

  
“ _Beauty and the Beast_  reminds you of me?”

  
“Yes. The prince used to be human, no? Then he was turned into a beast… something other then he was used to.” A smile played on Shuu’s lips as he slid his eyes closed. “And then he met a human that saw him for who he was…” The gourmet’s brows furrowed in his sleep as if he was trying to keep a hold of his thoughts.

  
“I think you’re mistaking the novel version for the Disney adaptation, Tsukiyama-san.” The older male didn’t seem to hear him, lost in his own sea of whatever thoughts he was trying to hold onto. “Tsukiyama…?”

  
“...Would you read to me till I fell back asleep, Kaneki-Kun?” His voice barely wavered above a small whisper as he moved onto his side.

  
“Only if you promise that you’ll try to eat something when you wake up…”

  
“Mmkay…” With a heavy heart, Kaneki found himself flipping the first few pages until he found the first chapter.

  
“*Once upon a time, in a very far off country,  there lived a merchant who had been fortunate in all his undertakings that he was enormously rich….” Kaneki continued to read in a quieted voice as Tsukiyama attempted to fall back to sleep. Many times through reading, Tsukiyama could comment on how “beautiful” Kaneki’s voice was as he read through the story. Then, as the commentary disintegrated into peaceful breathing he knew Shuu had finally fallen asleep and he was finally free to close the book and see himself out of the bedroom.

  
Kanae was in the living room downstairs staring into space as if nothing existed around him anymore. It didn’t matter what kind of connection the two of them shared, Kaneki didn’t like seeing him like that.

  
“Come with me,” Kaneki remarked, holding out his hand for take so he could get up from the couch easier. “It’s getting dark out now, and I’ll need help retrieving the…  _groceries_.” There was no rebuttal or anything pulled from Kanae, and he moved behind Kaneki like a robot on autopilot.

* * *

 

 

Kanae had spent the entire evening in silence; not speaking to one another as they broke and packed away body parts. Kaneki would sneak glances over at the ghoul who wouldn’t dare to look at him, only to see his eyes glazed over with unshed tears.

  
Kanae was suffering over Shuu’s condition, and from that alone he could see just how close he was to Shuu. The duffel bag was packed tightly when rain started to fall around them and Kaneki started walking to the car to put the bag inside. But Kanae continued to sit out where he was originally, letting his hair and clothes get drenched as he looked down at his hands.

  
“You’ll catch a cold if you don’t get out of the rain, Kanae…” Once he said it, he mentally wanted to face palm over how stupid it sounded out loud; Ghouls don’t get sick. The German paid him no mind however, and continued to watch as the rain cleaned his hands of the blood from the corpses. “We need to leave…” Once it was made clear that he wasn’t going to receive an answer, the half ghoul trudged over to the servant and knelt beside him, leaving downward so he could look at Kanae’s face.

  
“It’s funny… Shuu-sama’s father said something like that once.” A smile came onto the German’s lips, and the tears that were once unshed joined the raindrops that landed on his cheek. He stood up and looked up at the sky, welcoming the downpour. “He was so beautiful that day… and he was right. The rain  _does_  feel wonderful.”

  
As quickly as the smile appeared on the servant’s face was how quickly it fell back into that depressed state he was in originally. Kaneki watched as Kanae unraveled his emotions and let them fall down his face mixing in with the rain. Purple irises glance over at him.

  
“It’s all your fault, you know.” Kanae wiped at his face even though it didn’t nothing. It continued to pour around them. “You left him and let him think that you were dead. He wouldn’t get out of bed for almost a year, and the minute he heard you were alive he flew to you like some damned damsel in distress. You’re not worthy of Shuu-sama’s care and devotion. You’re-” His hands clenched into fists at his side as he clenched his teeth. “You’re not worthy of his  _love_!”

  
Kaneki blinked at him, and watched as Kanae walked back to the car and didn’t glance back around to see if Ken was following him. Once he got to the car door, Kanae glared at him trying to stifle another sob. What was there to really say? He could have agreed even if he never asked Tsukiyama for anything more than a sword to aid him (and those were Shuu’s words, not his own). His decisions wrecked the Gourmet and he could accept that blame and place in onto his shoulders along with the rest of them.

  
“Get in the car before I leave you here,” Kanae spat, as Kaneki continued to look at him. “And after this, find someone else to help you with your damned errands. I have a master to take care of back at home.”

* * *

 

  
“You look like a drowned rat, Kaneki.” Nishiki laughed at him from behind the counter as Kaneki pushed past the doors to the coffee shop and moved wordlessly to the back room. The duffel’s strap was slung over his shoulder and luckily not leaking any sort of bloody mess onto the floor when he passed through the dining area. The bag was dropped to the floor when Kaneki got to the little kitchenette area, and he started rummaging around one of the cabinets until he found a small hand towel. Draping it around his neck, he picked the bag back up and climbed the staircase and went into the office.

  
The moment the door closed behind him, he wanted to sink to the floor and stop existing. Apparently that wasn’t going to happen though, because he wasn’t alone in the office. Somebody was rummaging through the walk in freezer, keeping a foot wedged between the crack in the door so it wouldn’t close on them. Slowly, he walked over to the door and pulled it open, peering down at Kurona with a curious expression.

“You do realize that there’s food in the fridge downstairs.”

  
“Banjou, and Tami got to it before I could. It’s all gone now. I’m bring a few of these down so there’ll be more. I didn’t think it would be an issue… Nishio said you were getting more food.” He backed up so Kurona had room to walk out as she clutched a few packages of the meat close to her. “You’re going to be a shivering if you go in there… Kaneki-san.. why are you so drenched?”

  
“I was caught in the rain.” Kaneki pushed the duffel into the freezer and closed the door, letting it lock. “If you’re going back out to the front, can you send Nishio-san up here?” Kurona gave him a nod and left the office, and Kaneki was once again alone.

  
Slowly, he went to sit behind his desk, and finally let out the huge groan that he had been holding in. For a day that he slept through almost the first half of, the day seemed so long; it must have wore him out so much physically that he was also mentally drained, too. Usually the voices would have started taunting him by now.

  
No. Not voices anymore--  _the_  voice.

  
The door slowly creaked back open again and he perked his head up to confirm his newest guest before dropping his head back down onto the desk.

  
“Bad day?” Nishiki plopped down into one of the available seats in front of the desk, and Kaneki let out a small grunt in reply. “At least you didn’t have to deal with Tami today… she’s getting quite the mouth on her.”

  
“Tami-chan is a nice person, and a good worker,” Kaneki rebuked, lifting his head so he could lean it in his hand. “Not to mention that she had been spreading the word about us to other ghouls… Tami has become an asset.”

  
“She’s getting so…  _sassy_  though. I hate sass from younger people.” Kaneki let Nishiki brood for a moment longer.

  
“Nishio… I requested for you to come up here for a number of reasons. I want to apologize for taking advantage of all your time. I know Kimi is still trying to settle into this place and I should have thought about how me taking off to go to Tokyo could have easily affected that. If I had more warning beforehand, I would have given it to you.”

  
“Kaneki you don’t-”

  
“I do… because even when I came back I wasn’t here. I should have been. You’ve been a tremendous help around here and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.” Kaneki pushed a set of keys in front of his employee. “Nishio-senpai… I would like to make you assistant manager.” Nishiki’s eyes widened, and a smile appeared on his face.

  
“Kaneki I… I accept. Thank you.” The older male took the key ring into his hands and clutched them tightly.

  
“Obviously there will be a pay raise and more responsibility, but you’ve already done that even without the official title.” The half ghoul couldn’t help but to remember how the two of them met; how strange it was that they were able to grow this close. “If I haven’t said it before I’ll say it now. I’m proud of you… you’ve become somebody that I can trust. I think in the long run you’ll probably offer the Hide-Away more than I ever could.”

  
Nishiki offered Ken an amused smirk.

  
“While I appreciate all the high praise, which I will continue to make use of in giving myself a big head over how awesome I am… I think I’ll go make sure everything downstairs is done. You know… gotta live up to that new manager title now.”

  
“Eh, don’t worry about it. I’m sure while we’ve been up here that Kurona has been making sure that everything is done. You can head out. After all, you have Kimi waiting for you, right? Just make sure you lock up the front.” Nishiki offered a nod as he got up from the chair and walked over to the door. He paused in front of it with his hand on the doorknob and turned around to look at his employer.

  
“You know Kaneki… I know there’s a lot of things going on right now that may seem shitty. Things will fall into place though…” Nishiki taps his finger on the doorknob. “There’s a song on that playlist you made for the coffee shop, and I told Kimi about it one night. It was in English so I had to use an online translator; we all know how reliable those things are. But it talks about this truth. It promises that the dawn is coming, and that you should open your eyes to see it.”

  
“You’re not about to get all philosophical on me, are you?” Kaneki forced a laugh, and Nishiki rolled his eyes in response.

  
“Oy man, I’m the older one here! I’m as wise as they come! Anyway… I think you should listen to the words of that song. It’s called ‘Stay Alive.’ I think it’ll be relevant to you soon.” With that last piece of advice, Nishiki left the room.

  
It took awhile to let his clothes dry out a bit, but once they did Kaneki  forced himself to get up from the chair and dug out the notepad in his desk drawer, along with the MP3 player from his pocket. He plugged in the audio jack and pulled the headphones on. His fingers slid against the screen until he came across the song Nishiki mentioned and let it play on a low volume while he started sorting through the packages of meat.

  
Nishiki and Kurona weren’t kidding when they said they were running low. The Hide-Away was down to five packages in the freezer, and only two when Kaneki went down to the kitchenette fridge to check it’s contents. It was around that time that his phone buzzed with a text from Nishiki, letting Kaneki know that he was heading out for the night. It was good thing that he went out to get more when he did, because they probably would have ran out by the end of the day tomorrow. While he was still in the back room he went into the supply closet and started taking count of the coffee beans and other supplies.

  
As he started circling the things he would need to order sometime within the next week, the bell on the front door jingled and Kaneki let out an annoyed sigh. Nishiki had one main job to do that night, and he forgot. He pulled the headphones around his neck once more, and placed the music on pause.

  
“We’re closed, come back tomorrow!” Kaneki yelled out, trying to keep himself focused on the task at hand while also trying to listen for the bell signaling that the unwelcomed guest had left. Five seconds… ten seconds… twenty seconds passed and there was still no bell.

  
_Dammit._

  
Kaneki walked over to the table and dropped the notebook, the MP3 player, and the headphones on its surface so he could go confront the person face to face and still look somewhat professional.

  
“I’m sorry, but the Hide-Away is-” His gaze finally settled onto the person sitting at the counter, and his heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest. His eyes widened, his jaw agape.  _This is impossible_.

  
Familiar brown eyes looked back at him, and Kaneki scanned over the blonde locks that framed the male’s face. There were tears on his face, and Kaneki wanted to cry himself. Cry because it was unfair.

  
_I’m seeing things. Hide… Hide is gone._

  
“H...Hide…” His voice broke as a tear fell down his cheek, and the blonde broke into a trembling smile.

  
“Didn’t I tell you Kaneki…” Hide stood up from the stool and went behind the counter so he could stand near Kaneki. The familiar scent that Kaneki had grown attached to along with something else that he couldn’t quite put a finger on wafted off the blonde, and Kaneki wanted to wrap his arms around him and take it all in. Once Hide was close enough he took Kaneki’s hand in his, and his smile only grew bigger.

  
Kaneki missed that smile.

  
“Rabbits die of loneliness Kaneki, and I was lost without you.”


	15. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the moment Kaneki wanted to revel in this selfishness. There was no way this was even remotely possible. The hand holding his felt so real against his skin; how was it possible to touch something that wasn’t there?

For the moment Kaneki wanted to revel in this selfishness. There was no way this was even remotely possible. The hand holding his felt so real against his skin; how was it possible to touch something that wasn’t there?

  
“It’s funny what your head can do when you’re desperate enough,” Kaneki said after a long moment, and a harsh laugh left his lips after. His hand slipped from Hide’s grasp and he took a step backward.

  
“Huh?” Hide’s brows furrowed in confusion and he attempted to take a step forward before Kaneki raised his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

  
“You’re not real. As much as I’d like to live in the delusion that… that  _this_ is possible… I can’t.” Hide let out a small sigh and the smile faded from his face. The blonde rubbed at his eyes to rid them of the tears that were steadily filling them.

  
“Kaneki…” His voice sounded strained and desperate as it reached Kaneki’s ears. “Can I just… prove you wrong?” Kaneki knew better than to tell a figment of his imagination, which has whispered the worst sort of things in his ears before, that it had permission to do much of anything. Rize’s voice never asked permission when it invaded and represented his insatiable hunger. Yamori’s didn’t either, just like his fingers and toes, took what he wanted. Jason took the rest of his crumbling sanity and ruined a piece of him that he could never get back.

  
His own voice haunted him now, but seeing and hearing Hide… it was something he couldn’t refuse. How could his own mind be so cruel against him? To not only haunt him with the voice, but also the ghost of his fallen friend. Every sane part of him screamed for him to say no, because there wasn’t any way on this godforsaken planet that this person was standing before him in the flesh. There was no way to prove that it wasn’t the Centipede playing some cruel trick on him and his crumpling mind. But his heart? It screamed yes. He nodded slowly, bringing his hands down from their defensive pose. The blond neared closer to him, once again reaching out his hand to Kaneki’s. When it was within Hide’s grasp, he brought it up to his chest. The proof resided in the pulse that thumped under his fingertips, which Kaneki widened his eyes to.

  
“Does this not feel real to you?” Hide asked, voice quivering. “I’m here, Kaneki. I’m right  _here_.”

  
This was real. Hide was living, breathing, and standing right in front of him.

  
A million emotions ran through him as he threw his arms around Hide and held on as tightly as he could.

  
“Where have you  _been_ ,” Kaneki questioned, voice cracking as he practically sobbed into his friend’s chest. “What kept you away for so long?“ The last thing he meant to do was react to Hide’s return the way he did. However, the way Hide’s arms wrapped snugly around him told Kaneki that his friend didn’t seem to mind it too much. The time it took for them to draw comfort from the realness of the other was but mere seconds. They were both too short and too long. There was too much that Kaneki had to say, but nothing at all that he wanted to voice. He wasn’t without a  _best_  friend anymore even if everything was still surreal to him.

  
When Kaneki wasn’t a quaking mess from under in Hide’s arms, his friend pulled away and dabbed at his own eyes.

  
“We can talk all about where I’ve been and what happened later.” Hide’s hands remained on Kaneki’s shoulders, and he offered a smile to the white haired male again. This time Kaneki could return the same expression.

  
“I just… I can’t believe this. After what I was told and believing in it… you’re actually  _here_. I missed you so much.”

  
“I missed you too, more then you can imagine. It was… really hard. You of all people would have known exactly what I was going through, and I didn’t even know I could reach out to you. They…” Hide stopped himself. “Later. We have a lot to catch up on, but I’d rather not do that… here.”

  
A currently matching pair of warm brown eyes glanced around at everything surrounding them, almost pointedly avoiding the other hybrid in the room. Soon they found the door and remained fixated on the lyrics above it. They glazed over and Hide’s lips began to tremble at what they said.

  
“ _Just know you’re not alone,_

‘ _cause I’m gonna make this place your home.”_

 

“Home, huh?” He replied and looked back down at Kaneki. “Way to pull at my heart strings.” At first he wanted to counter the blonde’s statement and tell him that that’s all Hide did since Kaneki stepped out of the break room.

  
“We could though… if you wanted to. We could go home.” The apartment would always be a place that Hide was welcomed. “I’m renting a place about two minutes from here. If… if you want to. Stay. If you wanted to stay… with me.” Mentally, Kaneki cringed at how horribly his small proposal sounded. It was probably the first time since he met Hide that he ever tripped over his words like that. “I’m almost done with what I was doing in the back, and-”

  
“I should probably give this to you.” Hide interrupted him and fumbled around in his jacket pocket until he found a folded up paper. “Nishio said to hand it over to you if and I quote, ‘Numbnuts tries to stay any later after seeing you.’”

  
“Nishio…?” Kaneki took the paper once Hide offered it, and read the inner contents.

  
_Kaneki, I swear if you either decide to stay later or come in tomorrow morning I will kick the shit out of you. As newly appointed assistant manager, I have the right to make these decisions obviously. Hide came all this way for you– now go catch up with each other._

  
- _Nishio_

  
_P.S.: I left the front door unlocked cause I knew Hide was coming. Do you really think I would leave it unlocked for any other reason? So no bitching at me, got it? Also I did the inventory already… I just needed an excuse to get you out of your apartment._

  
_P.S.S.: Tell Hide to cut his damn hair._

  
_P.S.S.S: I’m serious about what I said. I will. Kick your ass. If you show up tomorrow._

  
“I guess we’re leaving now then,” Kaneki commented, letting out a small chuckle. After the rollercoaster of emotions he just went through in a single evening that ended in sheer bliss, he couldn’t be bothered with how rude the letter sounded or that Nishiki coined him a new nickname. He went to retrieve the MP3 player, headphones, and the keys in the back and met up with his friend outside the shop.

  
“Woah!” Hide exclaimed as Kaneki locked the door. The headphones were grabbed from Kaneki’s hand and the blonde examined them in nostalgic fascination. “I didn’t think I’d ever see these again!” Kaneki smiled and dug the MP3 from his pocket and Hide let out an even louder and more exaggerated reaction. It was dead now because Kaneki used up the last bit of battery life that it had left, but at least seeing it again made Hide happier.

  
“There’s more where that came from. Just wait till you see the apartment.”

  
As they walked, Hide chattered on about how quiet the town was compared to Tokyo which would have still been bustling with people and the typical city nightlife, which Kaneki hummed in reply to.

  
“We’re here,” Kaneki commented, and walked up to the front door. “You can go in and take a look around if you want. I just need to go upstairs for a second.”

  
“‘Kay,” Hide replied and waited until Kaneki unlocked the door. Once he was through the door and inside, the blonde threw a quirky grin over his shoulder and ventured down the hallway.

  
The scent hit Kaneki again when he was midway up the staircase and it was enough to make him stop dead in his tracks. His sense of smell wasn’t anywhere near as good as most ghouls that he knew, but there was a notable difference in how  _Hide_  smelled now. It wasn’t the same scent that lulled him to sleep on most nights, even if it was arguably similar. Was it normal for people’s body chemistry to change on its own? He continued to ponder the question to himself and walked up into his room.

  
First thing that half ghoul did was tear all of the sheets and blankets off the bed and tucked the shirt he slept with into one of his dresser drawers. The last thing he needed was for Hide to see that he had been sleeping with his old clothing, because that would bring up a topic that he didn’t think either of them were prepared to have.

  
What they both needed right now was to take everything slow. Obviously a lot has changed between them both and it wasn’t something that they could afford to rush.

  
He fixed all the clean bedding so it looked nice and neat. While Hide was staying there Kaneki was going to let him sleep on the bed while he crashed on the couch. It wasn’t like he got much sleep anyway, and Hide deserved above and beyond even what Kaneki could offer him. When he was done fretting over how everything looked, the half ghoul raced down the steps and went into the living room to find Hide.

  
The blonde was looking through the spines of all the books he had on the bookshelf, already holding one crooked between his arm and chest.

  
“Some things never change, huh?” Hide looked over in his direction, and held the cover of the book for Kaneki to see.  _The Black Goat’s Egg_  stared back at him in gold lettering which Hide turned around so he could lightly ghost his fingers against the indented words. “This must be a newer edition, right? It’s different from the one I remember you reading.” Kaneki offered a small nod, walking over so he could stand beside his friend.

  
“Takatski Sen came out with a collector’s set of her first several books a few months back. I donated most of my own collection to the coffee shop. I figured once they came out that I should buy the newer set for myself… which was stupidly impulsive of me since I haven’t cracked any of them open except for one.”  _Dear Kafka_. He remembered the day the set arrived in the mail and how angry he was when he started skimming it. Reading the first few pages proved to be a vain attempt at trying to recover a sense of normalcy in his life… but the enjoyment was gone.

  
There was no amusement. No shred of comfort. No feeling of having that link with a father he never knew. It was dead words printed in text that he ended up throwing against the wall when he had enough of it. Ever since, all the books on his shelf remained there collecting dust.

  
“Just one?” Hide looked surprised by Kaneki’s words. “You used to be such an advent reader. What happened?”

  
Kaneki raised a hand to his chin, forcing a small smile on his face.

  
“I got too busy, I guess. It can’t be helped… with running the coffee shop I never seem to have the time anymore.”

  
“Ahh, I see,” Hide replied, looking mildly concerned at what the other male told him. He placed the book back on the shelf. “I hope you’re finding something fun to do with your free time, Kaneki. It’s not healthy to continue working yourself so hard.” Those were heavy words that Hide chose, and Kaneki knew he used them intentionally. Because who should know better then to continuously work themselves when his own mother died from it.

  
“So-” They needed a change of subject. “I changed the sheets and stuff upstairs in my room. If you need anything else just let me know.”

  
“Woah man. Negative. I am not taking your bed.” As if making his statement more permanent, Hide went over to the sectional couch and sat on one of the cushions.

  
“But you’re the guest-”

  
“And you’re the homeowner.”

  
“You’re being unbelievably stubborn, Hide.” There was a grin on his face over how nostalgic this ‘argument’ felt.

  
“Hello Pot, I’m Kettle.” Hide crossed his arms across his chest and sat back, even letting out a small content sigh.

  
“I’m not sleeping up there.” Kaneki rebutted, deciding that two could play at that game, and went over to the opposite couch. He took a seat right in the middle.

  
“Neither am I. ‘Guess we’re both going to be roughing it down here, huh?” There was a small gleam in Hide’s eyes, and he bounced forward in his seat. “Dude! I have an idea! Can I-?” He pointed toward the staircase and Kaneki even questioned why Hide thought he had to ask permission to roam around the apartment.

  
“Help yourself,” Kaneki replied and watched as Hide practically ran up the steps and out of sight. Kaneki knew better than to question his friend when he had his mind set to something, so while Hide busied himself upstairs, Kaneki went into the kitchen to make them both coffee. He assumed that Hide would probably not really drink it; maybe take a sip just to seem friendly, but Kaneki would offer the gesture anyway. He wished he had some sugar or even creamer in the refrigerator but the most he ever kept in there was water bottles.

  
He was grinding the beans when Hide passed by the archway with a literal bundle of blankets, sheets, and pillows.

  
“No peeking, Kaneki!” Hide exclaimed further down the hall. “It’s a surprise!” Kaneki chuckled in response, and continued with his work until he stared down at the finished product waiting for Hide.

  
After several minutes of questionable sounds, Hide groaning as he bumped into various things and watching their coffee cool down, the blonde finally poked his head in with a ear to ear grin.

  
“Okay. You can come see it now!” Kaneki grabbed the two cups and offered one for Hide to take, letting the blonde take his free hand and lead him into what was now a darkened living room.

  
There was something massive right in the center of the area, and he could see a soft glow from underneath it.

  
“A blanket fort.” Kaneki was smiling again and he realized that it was the most he has smiled in a  _long_  time. “You  _built_ a blanket fort!”

  
“I couldn’t resist,” Hide replied with a small laugh. “I remember whenever my mom left to work the night shift at the hospital… we would bunch up all the blankets we could find and the entire room became our fortress. Granted our intricate designs were much more… complex than what’s currently here, but it got the point across right?”

  
“Hide…” Kaneki smirked and walked over to the small hall closet near the archway to the room. “There’s more blankets in here. Let’s build our fortress.”

* * *

 

For the two of them, it was easy to slip back into the late chatter, the small gaps of comfortable silence, and at least for Kaneki… that feeling that he belonged somewhere.

  
His living room was a cluttered mess of throw blankets and pillows which paled in comparison to the humongous fortresses they used to build, not that the two of them minded much. They clicked the lights back off once they surveyed everything they created and crawled into the small space that Hide made earlier. Everything was pitch black and careful maneuvering until they found the oversized flashlight, illuminating their small cave with plenty of light. They got situated against the back of one of the couches. All the while, Hide chattered on about how much fun he had before chugging down the entire cup of coffee that he placed into the fort earlier.

  
Kaneki raised his own cup and eyed the other male in suspicion, which was quickly replaced with a look of disgust as his own cup of cold coffee slid down his throat. Hide wasn’t a fan of bitter coffee… yet he drank his quicker then Kaneki could even stand to finish his own. But the half ghoul noticed quite a few things about Hide that were… different.

  
“Hide…?” He looked back down at his cup, not quite sure of how he could ask his question. He could feel Hide’s gaze on him, and it took all the courage he could muster to return the eye contact. “Back at the coffee shop… you said you… _we_ had a lot to catch up on. We’ve been avoiding it. How-”

  
Hide’s eyes furrowed in a pained expression and looked away, but if he didn’t ask the question would continue nagging at his brain like a song on repeat. “How is this possible? How are you here right now?”

A quiet huff that sounded more like a heavy sigh fell from Hide’s lips and he looked down at his lap, putting the empty cup to the side so he could tuck his knees up to his chest. It made Kaneki nervous that he may have said something wrong. Did he? Was this something he wasn’t comfortable speaking about yet?

  
“…It was nice while it lasted…” It was unclear if Hide was speaking to Kaneki or to himself, but he was clearly bothered by the impending topic.

  
“You don’t have to talk about it if-”

  
“No. It’s fine.” Hide’s response was still unsettling, and Kaneki cracked a finger as he grew more worried over whatever Hide seemed to have trouble saying. “Kaneki… do you remember when I told you that if I had only been able to reach out to you, that this past year wouldn’t have been so hard? It was a lot more then just not having a friend to talk to…”

  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” Scooting closer to the blonde, Kaneki placed a hand on Hide’s shoulder and squeezed gently. The action earned him a sad smile, which never reached his friend’s eyes. “The CCG lied to me. They said that they tried to bring you back… but-”

  
“I was brain dead.” Hide knew Kaneki’s next set of words before they even left his mouth. “It wasn’t a lie. You must have already been gone around the time they decided to try bringing me back  _again_.”

  
“But the first surgery was unsuccessful…”

  
“It wasn’t the same surgery.” Hide finally mustered up enough courage to look at Kaneki again. “Apparently the entire CCG board was torn about it, so I remained comatose for several months before they reached a ‘consensus’ over what to do with me.” He air quoted the word for added effect, before placing both his arms to rest on his knees. Kaneki could see that Hide was shaking slightly.

  
“The CCG had information on your surgery. They took two ghouls from Cochlea; who knows what happened to them afterward, but they extracted their kagune spliced their genetics together to create something new. Then… it was implanted into me.”

  
Kaneki felt sick. All those tests that the CCG doctor performed on him when he was kept in the detention center and all of those  _questions_  he was asked that he blindly answered. It was all for this. From his own experiences, Kaneki knew the kind of hell that was involved when you shifted from a life of normalcy… to the one Hide was obviously still shaken up about living in now. There were no single thoughts he could process that he could make into words; there were far too many swimming around in his mind. This is why Hide’s scent was different and why he could slug back that coffee without anything to sweeten it up.

  
Hide was thrown into this world that took Kaneki a  _long_  time to understand for  _himself_ , and he was damned sure that the CCG corrupted his way of thinking.

  
“Washuu… my father. He signed off on the procedure and let them do the surgery. He kept trying to persuade me that he wanted to… I don’t know, be my dad I guess? I’m more than okay to be away from that sort of mind fuckery.”

  
“I’m sorry…” The word seemed so small compared to what sort of apology he deserved at that point.

  
“You’re not allowed to blame yourself for that. Kaneki, what they did to me wasn’t your fault.” It didn’t matter what Hide said to him because he would probably always feel that guilt now. He slid his eyes closed when he felt Hide brush his cheek with gentle fingertips and he accepted the contact. This wasn’t the kind of thing Hide would have done in the past, and he must have realized what he was doing shortly after because his hand was quickly snatched back. Gray eyes opened and threw the blonde a questioning look, and the dimmed flashlight couldn’t hide the shade of pink that grew on his cheeks.

  
“Sorry.. I just…” Hide rubbed the back of his head. “You’re just not allowed to blame yourself, okay? The CCG was going to use whatever means necessary to find out that kind of valuable information, and I just happened to be a test subject that they could use. Please don’t burden yourself with a clouded conscience.”

  
“I…”  _It can’t be helped because I already do. This is my fault._ “I wish you could have found me. I would have tried to ease that initial burden of that drastic life change.”

  
“You still can. I’ve been a half ghoul for almost a year and I still can’t face what I’m ingesting. I don’t know what they were giving me, but it was like pureed meat. I drank it out of a Styrofoam cup. I’m probably the most sorry excuse for our kind imaginable.” Hide paused, and he bit his lip when it curved into a frown. “I did ask about you… many times. I was originally told that they didn’t know of your whereabouts, but then Arima Kishou said that he killed you, and I was _devastated_.”

  
Maybe it was easier for Arima to just admit that he killed Kaneki then to tell everyone that he let Ken go to do it himself. Now that he was face to face with Hide, he couldn’t figure out where to even begin explaining just how devastated he was when Hide was in a coma and that barely grazed the surface about how he felt. When he didn’t offer a reply, Hide reached a hand up to push up against Kaneki’s chin. The white haired male looked back at him, and his friend’s brows furrowed in concentration.

  
“You know something, don’t you… you know why he lied to me.” Why? No, Kaneki didn’t know _why_ , just that Arima obviously didn’t tell Hide the truth about what happened. “Kaneki, what do you know that I  _don’t_.”

  
“I don’t think I can…” He tried to look down at the ground, but Hide wouldn’t let him. It pained him that Hide was so desperate to know the truth, and he couldn’t stop himself from tearing up.

  
“What? But why?” He noted the overbearing concern that was in Hide’s tone and he cringed. A series of scenarios played through his head at all the possible reactions, and they all followed up with one thing. Hide couldn’t know; he shouldn’t know just how much of a coward Kaneki actually was. How he was so scared to live in a world where Hide didn’t exist; a world of pure darkness. The last thing they both needed was any strain.

  
“It’s… too much to explain.”  _Too much. Too hard to form into actual words._ He could feel his thumb push down on his middle finger, not quite taking into account of just how much pressure he was pressing into the joint until it sounded with a loud crack. The aura between them tensed and the weight of it from within the fabric walls was unnerving.

  
It was Hide who broke the silence first, bringing his hands to the other ghoul’s shoulders as he moved to sit in front of him.

  
“Okay. We… you don’t have to talk about it.” He squeezed Kaneki’s shoulders, but didn’t receive any sort of response. The blonde let out a huff. He shook Kaneki gently. “Oy! Kannnnneki! Snap out of it!”

  
Kaneki looked up at his friend, and offered an apologetic smile.

  
“Sorry…” The apology that was offered seemed too small for what Hide deserved, especially when Kaneki couldn’t find it in himself to fill in the blanks when Hide was so open about the mysteries surrounding him earlier. “…and thank you… for not pushing it.”

  
“Ah, well I’m not letting you off easily… you still haven’t explained how you came up with such an  _awesome name_ for that coffee shop of yours.” It was an attempt to lighten the mood; one that would hopefully recover their first evening together since their separation.

  
“Only if you tell me what’s with that new hair of yours.” Despite how horrible he still felt, he let a smile fall onto his face. “Ever hear of a haircut?”

  
“First of all, it’s still my turn to be asking you the questions,” Hide quipped, moving so he could lay on his stomach. He rested his chin in his hands and looked up at Kaneki. “Second of all, have you ever heard of hair  _dye_?”

  
“Judging by your roots, I can ask the same question.” Hide let out a huge snort in amusement as Kaneki reclined back against the couch. “As for the Hide-Away, get ready cause it’s a rather long story.”

  
“Well good,” Hide replied. “We have all night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, things are a little strained between those two right now from that separation, huh?  
> It'll get a lot easier between them soon though. Hang tight. :)
> 
> Sorry for the wait! I hope you guys enjoyed the update, and I'll see you all in the next chapter. :3


	16. Somewhere Only We Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He could remember the smell of the rain. It came down hard on the streets of Tokyo, and the closer he walked to his childhood home the more empty the sidewalks were of people. The clothes the CCG supplied him with were drenched and clung to his skin like Velcro, but he barely paid much mind to it, or where he was going. The route he traveled was strictly from memory; all those days that he would walk home from school with Hide when he was younger, or those seldom moments of walking back with his mother from the general store when he was younger. Once the familiar stoop was in front of him, he looked up at the front door with a blank expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-betaed, sorry if there's anything that sounds terrible. :x

_He could remember the smell of the rain._

  
_It came down hard on the streets of Tokyo, and the closer he walked to his childhood home the more empty the sidewalks were of people. The clothes the CCG supplied him with were drenched and clung to his skin like Velcro, but he barely paid much mind to it, or where he was going. The route he traveled was strictly from memory; all those days that he would walk home from school with Hide when he was younger, or those seldom moments of walking back with his mother from the general store when he was younger. Once the familiar stoop was in front of him, he looked up at the front door with a blank expression._

  
_His original plan was to visit the playground that both he and Hide used to go to on all those late nights when both their mothers weren’t home, or when Kaneki’s aunt became too much to really handle that he_ had  _to sneak out. Then he thought about all those kids who used that playground now and how they would be forever scarred if and when they found his body._

  
_In actuality, he didn’t really want anyone to find him. The only tools he was given was a knife made of quinque steel and a pill, which Arima probably gave to him out of pity._

  
“ _Ah, are you here to look at this apartment?” An elderly man opened the door to his home next door, but stayed inside the shelter to avoid the rain. Steel colored eyes looked up to meet his questioning stare. “Nobody has lived in this apartment for a long time; about ten years.”_

  
_Kaneki merely nodded, realising that the last resident that the man was speaking of was his mother._

  
“ _Are you interested in renting it?”_

  
“ _...”_  What am I doing here?  _He didn’t bother to really understand his own motives; he just followed wherever his feet would take him. He dug his hands into the pockets of the jacket he was wearing now aware that he was probably a sight for sore eyes. It didn’t register until he was being ushered inside the man’s home that he was being spoken to again._

  
“ _You’re going to catch a cold if you stay out there any longer.” The jacket was practically peeled off of him from how soaked he was, and older man was ordering somebody to get a clean change of clothes._

  
“ _Is he catatonic?” A woman’s voice trailed off into a room behind them._

  
“ _I’m-” His voice came out hoarse from lack of use, and just hearing its roughness made him only want to shut his mouth again._  I’m not worth your kindness.

  
“ _You’re…?” The male questioned him, and Kaneki could only look at him as he tried not to tremble._

  
“ _M’fine.” He cracked his ring finger out of habit, now aware just how drained he felt._

  
“ _Nonsense!” An outfit was shoved into his hands and he was once again pushed somewhere; this time into a bathroom. “Get yourself dressed, and I’ll make you some tea. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were already getting sick.”_

  
_When he decided to look up into the mirror at his reflection, it confirmed his earlier thoughts over his appearance. Dark circles resided under his eyes, which were void of life from behind the cloudy colour. His hair was wet and matted; white bangs stuck to his forehead and dripped water down onto his cheeks. He looked paler._

  
_He looked numb. A dead man walking._

  
_With a heaving sigh, he stripped himself of the wet clothing and hesitated before slipping on the soft sweater. If he didn’t feel so numb, he would  have probably relished in its warmth. He tugged the sweat pants on after and looked down at his exposed feet. It was obvious that they would be the kind of people to raise questions about his appearance and he felt too drained to do much of anything except for what he was_ supposed  _to do._

  
_End his life. Stop existing._

  
“ _Are you okay in there?” A soft knock on the door pulled Kaneki from his thoughts and he turned the knob to let the woman check in on him. She looked him up and down with a frown, before extending an arm out to him._

  
“ _I’m fine,” he answered for the second time that day in a delayed response, he couldn’t find a place to really look except for her hand._

  
“ _Come on now, the tea is getting cold.” Could he even really move? His feet didn’t want to. There was nowhere within this place that his feet could travel to from memory. She reached a hand out to hold his and he looked down at where they were joined. There was a light tug, but he stayed where he was. “Are you sure you’re fine. You don’t seem very fine… in fact you seem quite sad.”_

  
“ _Don’t pester the boy, Satoko.” The man from earlier came up to the door and a frown settled onto his older features. Kaneki could feel their eyes all over him like they were looking for some sort of injury, or anything to explain his current status. Could their eyes see his messed up mind; see how many times people toyed around with his sanity like he was a toy to be played with out of boredom? Could they see the scarring of the bones in his fingers and toes? Could they see how broken his heart was?_

  
 _Could they see just how_  fucked up  _he was from the_  inside  _out?_

  
“ _I…” How long had his lip been trembling? “I want to go_ home _.”_

  
“ _Where do you live? We can take you there if you want us too. It wouldn’t be a problem.”_

  
_But he didn’t have a home. It was taken from him forever. All of his happiness was wrapped up in it, and he could never return to it’s warm embrace. Whatever willpower he had to keep himself standing up left and he crumbled to the floor in a sobbing heap._

* * *

 

  
“Kaneki…” Somebody was shaking him, and he jolted from his sleep in a panic. It took a moment to realize that he wasn’t alone in his apartment anymore and an even longer one to remember all the events from the prior day. Hide was looking down at him with concern and retracted his hand back when Kaneki pushed himself up from the floor.

  
His back was stiff; did they really fall asleep on the  _floor_ last night? The roof to their fortress collapsed around them, and sometime in the night Kaneki pulled it around him and cocooned himself in it’s warmth.

  
“Are you… okay?” Hide asked. “You were crying.” Kaneki raised a hand to his eyes and wiped them dry. It was more than just a dream he woke up from, but a memory of his first few hours outside of Cochlea. It was hard to believe that it was so long ago that it happened, but still felt so fresh in his mind.

  
“Yeah,” Kaneki replied, pulling the blankets off as he let out a small yawn. “Just a dream I guess...” He rubbed the bottom of his chin. Hide waved off his last comment and didn’t push the subject any further.. How did Hide not suffer from bed head? Kaneki could practically feel his own hair standing up in every which way.

  
Though different from what Kaneki was used to, Hide’s hair was beautiful the way it looked right then and there. The blonde must have abandoned the hair tie sometime throughout the early morning when Kaneki finally fell asleep, and it fell past his shoulders like strands of silk. Sometimes it was hard to believe that Hide ever put any harsh chemicals in his hair to make it such a light colour.

  
Then again, everything about Hide was beautiful. At least it was to Kaneki.

  
“I took the MP3 off the charger for awhile.” The orange headphones hung around his neck and it made Kaneki smile. He didn’t think he’d ever get to see them where they really belonged ever again. “Haven’t you or Nishio ever thought to add to the music library? It’s in need of a  _serious_  update!”

  
“Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of it being  _your_  MP3 player?” The white haired male raised a brow at his friend, and scooted closer to Hide so he could lean his head on the blonde’s shoulders. It was too early; how could Hide get up so easily without feeling like a zombie?

  
“It’s not mine anymore though… I left it for  _you_.”

  
“Well I like the music that is already on there,” Kaneki replied with a soft smile. He let out another yawn and tried to snuggle closer in the cloud of sleepiness. The blonde let out a little laugh, reaching around to snake his arm around Ken’s frame to pull him closer to his chest. The music streamed through the headphones loud enough for them both to listen and with Hide next to him, Kaneki felt at ease. “M’sorry for ruining the fort.”

  
Hide let out an amused snort, and raked his hand back and forth in Kaneki’s hair, ruffling it into a messier heap.

  
“Oy! Don’t start falling back asleep on me!” The blonde pushed Kaneki down to the floor and Kaneki looked up at his friend with a shocked expression.

  
Kaneki knew that look; that sly smirk like Hide was about to do something that Kaneki would try to get out of. It was the same look Hide always gave him before Kaneki would have to scream for mercy after Hide unleashed his tickling  _fury_. “No  _sleeeeep_ , Kaneki!”

  
Fingertips were already lightly teasing Kaneki’s impending doom from underneath the hem of his shirt. He wasn’t ready; he wasn’t prepared and it wasn’t  _fair_. Still, it was a playful pout that settled onto the half ghoul’s lips as he slid his eyes closed once more. Hide deserved to have his fun… while it lasted of course. Kaneki had his unfair advantage of those  _helpful_  tentacles after all.

  
“That does it!” Hide said, finding every single patch of skin that would make Kaneki jump out of his skin and he found himself trying to turn out of Hide’s grasp in hysterical laughter. “Say it! You know you want to!”

  
“Never!” Kaneki shrieked, trying to get ahold of Hide’s wrists.

  
“Saaaay it!” Kaneki could feel his eyes narrow into slits as Hide slowed down, quirking a head to the side.

  
“Bite me, Nagachika.” He stuck out his tongue, hoping to egg him on long enough for the blonde to not notice the single red limb that protruded from his back.

  
“You’re gonna regret that!” Hide continued the endless amount of tickling which had Kaneki trying to kick away from him again. “Give in!”

  
“I think-” It was hard to get his next sentence out while Hide wouldn’t cease the tickling. “I think…  _you’re_  going… to regret that!” The single limb of his kagune wrapped around the blonde’s foot quickly lifting him from the floor to dangle above it upside down. His long locks barely grazed the ground and the look on Hide’s face was priceless. It was paired with Hide folding his arms across his chest as Kaneki continued to let out a few subsiding snorts. “That’s cheating… I’m disappointed that you would stoop so low to use your  _kagune_.”

  
You’re just mad that I thought about it first,” Kaneki quipped. “So...I think it’ll be you saying mercy then?”

  
“ _Tt_ … I never had to use mine,” Hide retorted. “I’m a real man… I get to use these things.” Hide’s hands were made into fists and he held them in front of his face, which earned the blonde a small chuckle in response. It was safe to say that not even time or any of the things Hide went through were enough to take away his sheer  _dorkiness_. Slowly, Kaneki lowered his friend to the ground and untangled the liquid muscled limb from around Hide’s ankle.

  
Letting Hide go didn’t work in his favor. The mere second that Kaneki let the kagune dissipate into thin air behind was the moment that Hide tackled him back to the ground and grabbed both of his wrists. He should have known from past experiences that Hide wasn’t the kind of person to just quit when something  _started_. The pair both erupted into resounding laughter that could have probably continued for a few minutes more…

Until the moment they both realized just how close they were now; noses barely grazing one another. Kaneki’s throat burned with held breath; they both didn’t pull away or move closer. It was a stalemate between them that slowly became more of an unspoken challenge of who would move  _first_.

  
Kaneki could do it if he had the courage. He could be the one to close the distance between them; press his lips against Hide’s so his heart would stop trying to beat out of his chest. It was something he wanted for so long and the opportunity was presenting itself so perfectly, but he felt stuck in place.

  
The blonde let out a nervous laugh as a light pink colour flooded his cheeks. As Hide pulled away, Kaneki chance slipped from his fingers and he couldn’t hold back from mentally cursing at himself.

  
“We should… um… probably get dressed.” Hide scratched lightly at his cheek with a shy grin as he stood up from the floor and offered a hand to Kaneki. The white haired male reached up to join their hands and let his friend hoist him to his feet.

  
“Y-yeah. You can go get ready upstairs while I clean up down here.”

  
“No can do. I helped make the mess and I can help clean it up to.” Hide was smirking again with playfulness, but Kaneki wasn’t about to let Hide’s stubbornness win again. Once again, he let out one of the tentacles emerge from his backside and push Hide in the direction of the hallway.

  
“Help yourself to the shampoo and soap in the shower. Towels are under the sink.”  _I win this round, Hide._

  
“ _Cheater_!” Hide gasped, turning around just in time to see the tentacle disappear again.

  
“I won’t deny it,” Kaneki replied. “Now go before I decide to cheat some more and literally move you upstairs.” After a moment of throwing Kaneki another obnoxiously shocked look, he sauntered down the hallway and up the stairs.

* * *

 

  
The first half of their day was painful to say the least. It was Hide's first real day and town and it made Kaneki realise that he never roamed the streets or looked through the shops before. His days usually consisted of going back and forth to The Hide-Away and when he was out in town, he was more focused on keeping his territory clean. Hide wouldn't take no for an answer after Kaneki told him that and the pair spent their morning looking around the small boutiques. Everything was okay until Hide locked his sights on a small boutique store sitting on the street corner and practically pushed his friend inside. It was the one store that Hide wasn’t browsing right alongside him and Kaneki stood cemented in place within the isle of the horror genre. Takatski Sen wrote a new book which sat faced out on the shelf so it would catch his eye and he moved to pick up the book like he was on autopilot.

  
The synopsis on the back was something he would have enjoyed before his life went to hell. It sounded like the darkest book she ever wrote and he could practically imagine his old self burying his attention into the pages.

  
It was weird to think that the mental image he had of a young man with black hair and a shy demeanor was himself only a couple years ago. So much changed in such a short amount of time… the existence of the old him felt so  _long_  ago. Kaneki just wished if he could have one thing back from that time that he could somehow find a way to love reading the way he used to. Something in him said that turning to the first few pages to scan the contents would be a waste of time, but he could at least hope that maybe something would change.

  
They were still just words; words that could never convey the severity of those thoughts and feelings the protagonist was going through. Kaneki knew those things by heart and it could never fully weigh the same as those memories.

  
“Did you find a book?” Startled by Hide’s voice pulling him from his thoughts, Kaneki flinched. The book dropped to the ground by his feet and Kaneki let out a frustrated sigh when he reached down to pick it up.

  
“Not exactly, no.” His fingers ghost over the cover of the book after he placed it back on the shelf, letting his defeat set in as he peered back at his friend. The blonde was clutching a paper bag with the store’s logo printed on the front and Kaneki couldn’t help but cock his head to the side in mild interest.

“How did you not find  _anything_  to buy in a  _bookstore_ , but I did?” A shrug fell onto Kaneki’s shoulders before passing by the blonde to get to the front door. “You’re not going to get  _anything_?” The blonde followed after him, wordlessly leaving the bookstore behind to venture down the sidewalk and deeper into town.

  
They both went into a few more shops and left the music and entertainment store with four huge bags. Hide purchased more DVDs than Kaneki could even think to really count; they would probably have to buy another shelf for the living room. Hide could build miniature skyscrapers with all of the movies he bought and the ones he already had back at the apartment.

Eventually they both came to a consensus that they did enough sightseeing. A small park was nestled right in the center of town with blooming cherry blossom trees surrounding the center. Kaneki probably passed by the area numerous times without taking the time to actually look at how pretty it is.

  
How did April sneak up on them so quickly, he wondered to himself as they both sat down on one of the park benches beneath the trees. Hide placed all the bags by their feet and waited for Kaneki to sit down before laying down to rest his head on Kaneki’s leg.

  
“Today was fun,” Hide said softly, looking up at Kaneki. “It felt like I was always working back in Tokyo. It’s nice spending time with  _you_  again.”

  
“Me too…”

  
“Good. I missed you. I was worried when we were in the bookstore… it didn’t look like you were having much fun being there.” Kaneki should have figured that Hide could see through him; he was always the perceptive one. It would be hard getting used to that again; having someone pick up on the little subtle things that Kaneki forgets to hide.

  
“I was-”  _Fine_?

  
“Tell that to the books that looked untouched on your bookshelf,” Hide replied, voice even as he offered a sad smile. “Or to the people who don’t care to pay that much attention. Just know that I’m not one of those people, Kaneki. I never have been… and if you needed someone to talk to anything that I’m  _here_.”

  
If only it was easy to explain where Hide could really understand.

  
“Thanks. I’ll… keep that in mind.” Kaneki could only hope that the smile he was offering looked genuine. The blonde leaned over to inspect the bags on the ground, before picking up the one from the bookstore. He offered it up to Kaneki to take into his own grasp. The curiosity from earlier returned and he couldn’t help but to raise a brow at it.

  
“I saw it and… I thought it could help you somehow.” Hide’s eyes glimmered with excitement as he waited for Kaneki to look inside.

  
The last thing he was expecting to pull from the bag was a black, leather bound journal with an ink pen clipped onto the inside cover. He flipped to the first page in awe although not entirely sure of how it would help him through his trouble with enjoying literature again.

“Hide this is beautiful.” Kaneki closed the journal shut but could help himself from smoothing his hand over the cover.

  
“Really!” The blonde practically jumped back up into a sitting position. “I was worried for a second there when you didn’t say anything… I just thought, ‘hey, if he didn’t want to read anymore… maybe he could  _write_  something instead.’ I’m really glad you like it.”

  
“Love it,” Kaneki corrected him, pulling his friend into a tight hug. “Thank you.”

  
Their outing may have started out rocky, but at least it ended  _perfectly_.

* * *

 

  
_Everything around him was dark, but the bundle of blankets he was under made him feel warm. It was unlike the numb feeling he had experienced for weeks, yet his heart still throbbed like he took a dagger to the chest. How late was it into the evening? How long was he asleep?_

  
_...Where_ was  _he?_

  
_The last thing Kaneki wanted to do was remove himself from the bed, but it was time to leave. There was a promise that he needed to keep and it would end with his permanent slumber anyway._

  
_The door to the room creaked open and peered down the staircase. A small flicker from the television downstairs cascaded light onto the the steps below him. The older man from earlier was sitting in the chair; eyes closed in a sound sleep. Everything that happened prior lingered back into his memory and he almost pitied the man for all the unnecessary trouble Kaneki put them through._

  
_It was time to leave; the poor couple didn’t need anymore unneeded stress in their life. Slipping his arms into the jacket that was hanging on the hook, the half ghoul took one last look at the man before reaching toward the doorknob. It barely opened a crack before getting caught on the safety latch that Kaneki forgot to even check for and he couldn’t help but to wince at the loud bang that elicited from the latch._

  
“ _It’s not safe out there… not at this time at night.”_ Crap… I’ve ruined his sleep now, too.  _The man leaned forward in the chair and groaned as he got to his feet slowly. “Were you going to leave without at least saying goodbye?”_

  
“ _Goodbye… then,” Kaneki voice was hoarse from it not being really used in so long._

  
“ _Oh Ken… there was a time when you weren’t this cold toward us.” Kaneki flinched at the use of his first name; how did he even…? “To think that I used to wonder what became of you; little boy next door… always with his nose in a book.”_

* * *

 

  
A small vibration against the outer part of his thigh startled him back into reality. His cheek was pressed against Hide’s shoulder and the blonde was sound asleep next to him as the menu screen to  _Battle Royale_ played in the background on a loop. Fumbling around in his pocket, Kaneki pulled the thing causing the most of his annoyance at the moment.

  
The name on the caller ID only furthered his frustrated feelings.

  
“What is it?” Kaneki snapped, trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible.

  
“Tsukiyama-sama needs you.” Kanae was straight to the point. “He still won’t eat anything and won’t listen to me. Can you  _try_  to talk some sense into him?”

  
"..." Kaneki immediately silenced his next reply as Hide shifted to lay on his side. He let out a pained nose along with incoherent words that Kaneki couldn't catch, before falling back into a deep sleep. "Yeah. Can you pick me up? I'll see what I can do... But I don't think I can really promise anything."

  
It baffled him that Kanae really thought Kaneki could really provide any solid help. Wasn't it just the day prior that Kanae told him that it was his fault that Tsukiyama was the way he was? Didn't that mean that he could only break and not  _fix_?

  
"I'll be there in ten minutes. Be ready." No thank you; just a small click to let Kaneki know that Kanae hung up and that Kaneki wasn't going to get anything else from the conversation.

  
Hide elicited another pained noise, which came out more like a small cry then just a noise anymore. Was it really okay to leave when it was clear that Hide wasn't resting easy?

  
"Hey..." He placed a hand onto the blonde's shoulders and shook lightly until Hide flinched from his slumber. Brown, sleepy eyes peered up at him in horror before adjusting to the fact that he was in reality.

  
"Hey," Hide replied with a sleepy smirk, sliding his eyes closed once more. "Fancy meeting you here. Do you come here often?"

  
A grin played at the corners of his lips at Hide's response.

  
"Dork," Kaneki replied. "I have to go do something real quick, but I'll be right back."

  
"Kay." The blonde offered a small wave. "M'still half asleep anyway." His eyebrows furrowed after a minute. "Yo Kaneki...can you turn the TV off before you go?"

  
“Sure.” Kaneki reached for the remote and clicked the TV off, along with the DVD player. Hide let out a happy sigh, probably more then happy that the menu music wasn’t playing on a loop anymore. “I’ll be back soon.”

* * *

 

  
The drive to Tsukiyama’s home was silent, which was to be expected since Kanae still seemed to be as broody as ever. He had every right to be and Kaneki wouldn’t take that away from him but some small talk would have been nice.

  
Sleeping next to Hide uninterrupted by Kanae’s phone call would have been nice too, now that he really thought of it. It was probably engraved into his memory that Hide’s scent would make him sleepy and why he fell asleep so quickly. The smell may have been a little different, but in a weird way it was still the same.

  
Once the car came to a stop Kaneki let himself out of the car and followed Kanae into the house. They both moved like they were on autopilot; Kanae didn’t bother to have Ken wait downstairs so he could have Tsukiyama meet with him. There was no kind of pleasantry from the younger ghoul at  _all._ Instead he was led to the bedroom where Tsukiyama laid down in the same place that Kaneki left him in that day before. Kanae left without a word so it was just the two of them alone in Shuu’s bedroom.

  
Literally, nothing changed. There was no life to Shuu’s presence, in fact he looked  _worse_ if that was even possible. He took a seat by the Gourmet’s bedside with a held breath. What could he possibly do to help him? What would make Tsukiyama feel  _alive_  again?

  
“You didn’t keep your promise, Shuu.” Tsukiyama was sleeping so Kaneki’s words went unnoticed. “You’re supposed to get better… this isn’t  _better_.”

  
What if there was nothing that could be done? What if they Kaneki and Kanae were preaching to a deaf choir? The Tsukiyama Shuu that was part of the Ghoul restaurant was probably a distant memory now.

  
The least he could do was pick up the book that Tsukiyama wanted him to read yesterday and continue on with it. He pulled the book into his lap and flipped to the chapter they left off on. Kaneki only read a few of the pages before the other ghoul stirred in his sleep and peeked up at him from sleep ridden eyes.

  
“Your voice is lovely, Kaneki-kun.” A grin fell onto Shuu’s lips. “You… are reading with a much more uplifted voice since yesterday.”  _Uplifted_? “You seem happier today.”

  
“...Your condition doesn’t make me happy, Tsukiyama-san.” Kaneki closed the book and placed it onto the nightstand. The older ghoul’s expression didn’t change, nor did he even bother to come up with any kind of remark. No theatrics. No denial. Whatever was plaguing his mind was destroying him on a deeper level. The theatrics and use of a language he didn’t understand may have been annoying, but Tsukiyama losing himself was  _sad_.

  
Almost heartbreaking if Kaneki wasn’t scared to trust Tsukiyama and cared about him as more than just a comrade.

  
“...I’m much better then I have been.” Tsukiyama sat up slowly and leaned back against the headboard to his bed.

  
“But you won’t eat.” He needed to heal after what happened in Kanou’s lab and Kaneki feared what could happen if Tsukiyama refused. “If you want to feel better you need to… contrary to how I feel about you as a  _person_ , you are a strong asset here.”

  
Tsukiyama opened his mouth to speak, but immediately silenced himself before uttering a word. His shoulders slumped and he looked away from the white haired male with downcast eyes seemingly getting himself lost in whatever he had on his mind that he wouldn’t voice aloud.

  
“I’m going to go get Kanae and I’m going to sit with you while you eat.” Kaneki stood up from his chair but looked back at Shuu with concern. “Beauty sat by her father when he got sick and spoke for hours on end about her life with the Beast. ...He didn’t believe the Beast was kind, but she convinced him that he was...”

  
“I did tell you that the book reminded me of you.” Tsukiyama let out a small sigh. “I guess I’m the merchant father then, no?”

* * *

 

  
The entire ride home was filled with the same silence that Kanae forced into the car’s atmosphere during the ride to Tsukiyama’s home. Luckily, Kaneki had a lot on his mind to fill the quiet; he tried to figure out the point Tsukiyama was trying to get across with the book.

  
 _It’s just a story_ , Kaneki thought to himself.  _Surely there can’t be a deeper meaning to it._ Surely he couldn’t be the Beauty even if he was displaying the same kindness by reading to Tsukiyama at his bedside.

  
Could he?

  
The questions only multiplied when he opened the door to his apartment. All of the lights inside were off, save for the bedroom light which Kaneki could see from the staircase. Just as a precaution, he went into the living room and turned on the light but Hide was nowhere to be found.

  
 _Maybe Hide decided to go upstairs and sleep_. Which meant that Kaneki technically won their argument over their sleeping arrangements from last night, but for argument’s sake he wouldn’t bring it up.

  
“K-Kaneki?” A low and hesitant voice called down the stairs when Kaneki turned off the light and made it to the foot of the steps. He couldn’t understand why Hide would sound so timid until he went upstairs and into the bedroom.

  
The letter that Hide wrote and packed away into one of the boxes rested in Hide’s hands, which were now slightly shaking when the familiar set of brown eyes met his own. Hide smiled sheepishly at him and his cheeks turned pink.

  
“I… I found the letter. It… it was. Opened. Uh…” The blonde let out an embarrassed laugh. “I know you read it.”


	17. Beside You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If the aura around them wasn’t already weirdly tense, it was now. It wasn’t an angry kind of tenacity; it was more like they couldn’t find the right footing and that they had to be careful of how to go about breaching such a sheltered topic.
> 
> It was a secret both of them kept for years. Pandora’s box was opened now, and Hide held it in his hands.

If the aura around them wasn’t already weirdly tense, it was now. It wasn’t an angry kind of tenacity; it was more like they couldn’t find the right footing and that they had to be careful of how to go about breaching such a sheltered topic.

  
It was a secret both of them kept for years. Pandora’s box was opened now, and Hide held it in his hands.

  
“I wasn’t…snooping through your stuff or anything. I was gonna take a shower and couldn’t find the towels… But I found this and haven’t been able to really do much since. I sort of figured that you had my letter though. I mean, you have all of the stuff that I left you. I just didn’t know how to bring it up.” Hide was biting his lip. “This…this doesn’t change anything between us, does it? You knowing?” His tone bled with desperation and fear. Kaneki hated seeing Hide so timid when he was typically so outgoing and free spirited. He moved forward so he could sit next to the blonde and he didn’t stop himself from reaching his hand out to still Hide’s trembling ones. “…Kaneki…?”

  
“To answer your first question, yes. I read the letter a few months ago when all your stuff was sent here.” Answering that question was easy. It was the second one that he mentally stumbled over.

  
Was he ready to admit his own feelings himself? It was like a second chance with Hide was thrown at him even though it should have been impossible. Then when Kaneki convinces himself that yes he’s wanted this more than anything, he remembers that a lot of people he loved in the past were torn from him.

  
Losing Hide not once, but  _twice_  would kill him. There was no doubt about it.

  
If something happened to Hide again and he never got his chance to confess…

  
“Have your feelings toward me changed, Hide?” Better to check before he put his heart out on the table. He watched as Hide’s face went from a light shade of pink to a deep red as he turned away.

  
“Not at all… I don’t think they ever will. If that’ll make things weird between us though I can always try to-”

  
“Hide…”  _He still feels the same way._ It was so nice to hear it out loud and the smile that spread onto his lips was genuine. Pure. Real. “The only thing that upset me about that letter was that I didn’t know how you felt… because I wasted too many chances to tell you how  _I_  felt. I can’t… I _won’t_  make that same mistake again. You deserve to know that I feel  _exactly_  the same way.”

  
For a long moment Hide didn’t say anything nor did he even find it in himself to react. The only thing he really did was stare back at Kaneki with widened eyes; he didn’t even blink. Finally, a slow smile stretched across his lips, followed by an excited snort. Before the white haired male knew it, he was being tackled to the mattress in the tightest embrace the blonde could muster.

  
“I…I… can’t breathe!” Kaneki gasped as Hide let out a small chuckle into the crook of his neck. The blonde pulled away so he could look down at Ken with a lopsided grin. His eyes were practically glittering with excitement now that his mind finally processed the new information.

  
“I was so scared about confronting you about it. If I knew you were going to react like this I would have told you much sooner!” His dorky grin only got bigger. “Think of all the  _kissing_  we could have been doing!”

  
Kissing. The thought made his heart race quicken over the unknown. Rize was his first date ever and they never got far enough into the date where he could have experienced his first kiss– her attack  _sort of_  got in the way.

  
 _What if I’m a_ bad  _kisser_? Kaneki’s thoughts on the matter made him cringe mentally. More than likely, he was thinking too much about it when it was probably easy. Hide always made things easier, so wouldn’t it make being with him easier too?  _Stop overthinking it._

  
“Heh. Yeah,” Kaneki replied, looking back up at the blonde. Their current position made him remember how close they were earlier and how desperate he was to close the distance between them. Hide gently brushed a thumb against his cheekbone and Kaneki’s breath caught in his throat. Though the smile remained, Hide’s face softened to a look of concern.

  
“Are you okay?”

  
“Yeah…I just…”  _Dammit_. His cheeks flushed and there was no way that Hide didn’t see that. “I think I need coffee.” The blonde looked taken aback at the statement before Kaneki maneuvered himself from under Hide’s grasp. “Do you want any?”

  
“I.. uh… sure?” Without another word, Kaneki left the room and went down the stairs, leaving the blonde with the sting of his sudden emotional whiplash.

* * *

  
“…And that’s what happened.” It was the next morning when Kaneki and Nishiki were opening the coffee shop. Nishiki just  _had_  to ask how everything was going between them. After giving him all the details from the past two days including the part with his  _stupid_  flee away from possible kissing, Kaneki was met with Nishiki’s stare.

  
It wasn’t a nice stare either. The ghoul was obviously dumbfounded.

  
“You went to go make coffee instead of kiss him? What are you, twelve?”

  
“Well obviously twelve year olds don’t drink coffee.” Kaneki rolled his eyes and went back to setting up the pastries in the display window. “The night didn’t end badly or anything… we fell asleep on the couch while trying to finish up our movie marathon.”  _Which was filled with way too much unsolved tension_. “…I need to fix this.”

  
“Fix? What you need to do is kiss him. From the sounds of it you made it very clear that you are interested in being more than just friends. Now you have to show him.”

  
 _Easier said than done_. The half ghoul spent the entire morning trying to figure out how he could let his guard down and do just that instead of running away like, as Nishiki said, a twelve year old. He let out a huff of annoyance and closed the display case.  _Stop overthinking it._ Both Nishiki and Kaneki looked up when the bell to the front door jingled and a familiar brown haired male entered the Hide-Away.

  
“We’re not even open yet, Kid!” Nishiki groaned, crossing his arms. “The waitresses aren’t even working today… there is no one here for you to flirt with!”

  
“Nishiki…” He laced a warning tone into his words before turning back to the brunette. “I apologize for his rudeness.”

  
“Ah it’s okay… I’m used to it by now. He adds that rude-American vibe to the place.” With one last grin, he sat down at the counter in front of them. “I’ll take a huge cup of black coffee and a biscotti if you have ‘em. I can wait another minute until you guys are open.” He kept eye contact on Nishiki as he spoke, and Kaneki watched as his assistant manager grew more and more pissed off by the second. This kid obviously knew what was making Nishiki tick and Kaneki couldn’t decide if he could care less or if he was thoroughly amused.

  
“You deal with him. I’m going to put money in the register.” It was Nishiki’s turn to let out an annoyed huff as he stormed out the back door. Offering an apologetic smile, Kaneki turned to pull a container of coffee beans from the shelf behind him and got to work on preparing the beverage.

  
“I haven’t seen you around here much lately…” He could feel the kid’s eyes on him as he ground the beans. “I mean… I remember seeing you before. And… everyone else around here knows me except for you.”

  
“So… you want me to know you…?” Kaneki didn’t know how else to answer him and watched as Shiori’s cheeks turned pink.

  
“Well. Yeah, kind of.” A constant thud kept knocking against the base of the counter as Shiori kicked it out of what Kaneki assumed to be a nervous habit. It was fine in the beginning when the sound of the grinder could take away from the repetition, but every little kick afterward started to set the coffee shop manager on edge. It caused the coffee maker to jolt around the tiniest bit while Kaneki poured the water over the top. “I’m Shiori.”

  
Thankfully Nishiki came back to the front when he did, because one look from the assistant manager made Shiori still his restless legs.

  
“Here’s your coffee and biscotti, Shiori-san. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

  
“This is going to sound so flirty… but you still haven’t told me your name.”

  
“That’s how it all starts,” Nishiki mumbled. “He gets your name and then he  _never_  leaves you alone.”

* * *

  
After three hours of playfully harassing Nishiki during a rather busy morning, Shiori finally left and the shop dwindled into it’s usual pace. It kept Kaneki busy, which he was thankful for. He didn’t realise how much he missed the usual routine that he’d fallen out of. However, now that he was back in his coffee shop and conversing with the customers again… it felt good. He forgot how interesting humans were; how their only real concerns in life were what to make for dinner and what their plans for the next few days were. Humans were so lucky that they didn’t have to put on a mask for the public and pretend to be something they weren’t.

  
Was it really not that long ago that Kaneki was one of them; fussing over the next paper due for his college classes and reading to drown out the rest of the world? Was there really a time that Kaneki could really live so  _carefree_?

  
“I hope you have a good rest of the day, Domen-san,” Kaneki said, handing one of his regulars two to go cups of coffee. She smiled back at him as she took them from his hands.

  
“You too, Kaneki-san… and welcome back. Even though it was only a week that you’ve been gone, you were greatly missed.” She took a quick look around before leaning forward and speaking in a hushed tone. “That partner of yours isn’t as charismatic as you are.”

  
 _She thinks I’m charismatic? Clearly she has the wrong person._ She gave him one more final wave before leaving out the front door and the coffee shop fell silent once more…for a few seconds anyway. Nothing could really stay quiet for too long when he had Nishiki for a partner and Hide as a… well…

  
What were they? Was there some sort of name for someone you like who returns your feelings… but you’re not  _dating_?

  
“Kaneki, could I maybe snag a cup of coffee that has been left over?” Banjou’s head popped through the door to the break room.

  
“You don’t need to ask,” Kaneki replied smiling. “Help yourself.”

  
“Thanks!” Banjou returned a lopsided grin of his own before letting himself through the door. He started rummaging around for one of the to go cups. “So Kurona and I were talking about starting a game night. She wants to get to know everyone and I… I think it’s a good idea.”

  
“Game night… like cards and board games? That kind of game night?” It was an interesting idea. As a group it could bring everyone closer together.

  
“Yeah!” His voice radiated excitement. It was nice to see him happy about something. “We should plan to do things together more often; it could strengthen our bond as a team and a fam-” He stopped abruptly.

  
“ _Family_?” Were they all really that important to Banjou?

  
“I didn’t mean to say that… but the idea is nice, don’t you think so?”

  
Family. It wasn’t a term that the half ghoul was familiar with. People with families had sisters, brothers, a mom and dad. He had a mom, but never the others. He barely had an aunt that cared for him at all. To say that he didn’t want one would be a lie, but to have one with Tsukiyama and Kanae included was something Kaneki couldn’t exactly comprehend.

  
“I think… that you considering any of us family is very nice.” Ken reached for the leftover coffee and held it out so Banjou could take it. “I’ll go to one of your game nights.”

  
“Really?” The taller of the two filled the cup up to the brim before handing the empty pot back to the manager. “Would tomorrow night be too hasty for you? Tami is really excited to get the ball rolling with it and… so am I.”

  
“Tomorrow night is perfect.”

* * *

  
“I’m home!” Kaneki exclaimed, coming in through the front door to the dim light from the television in the living room lighting up a small section of the hallway.

  
“Welcome back!” Small sounds of rustled blankets and movement could be heard faintly before footsteps replaced the noises as Hide walked down the hallway and over to him. His arms wrapped snug around Kaneki’s frame and squeezed tightly and in that moment in truly did feel like he was  _home_. “How was work?”

  
“Nothing far too exciting.” Hide kept an arm snaked around Kaneki’s shoulder and lead him into the living room. Kaneki moved forward on autopilot, watching awestruck as the blonde went to sit back down on the couch. It still amazed him that Hide was alive and well; sitting in his living room like he was never gone in the first place.

  
He knew Hide was alive, but it wasn’t until that moment where it really sunk in.

  
Like hell was he going to waste anymore opportunities with him; he would never let any free moments pass by again.

  
“Kaneki?  _Earth_  to Kaneki, come in. This is concerned friend on the couch paging in friend whose brain is very far away right now.” A teasing smile settled onto the blonde’s lips as he patted the seat next to him. “Come on, we’ve got movies to watch, remember!”

  
“Ah, right. Sorry, Hide…”  _Thump, thump, thump_. His heart beat against his rib cage as he walked over to the couch and set next to his….

  
Dammit, there’s that thing that needed a word again! He sat next to Hide while he messed around with the DVD remote and settled back against the cushions while the previews played on the screen.  _Now. I’m doing this right now._

  
“…Hide?” Kaneki watched as Hide turned to face him; the light from the television creating dancing shadows against the side of his face.  _How on Earth could he be so stunning_? “Can I…” The words got stuck in his throat and he blushed when his voice ended up  _cracking_  from the nerves. “Can I try something?”

  
A brow quirked in interest at Kaneki’s words. “Sure!”  _ **Thump, thump, thump.**_

  
Slowly, the white haired male raised a hand to Hide’s cheek and he smiled shyly. He watched as it clicked in the blonde’s head at what was about to happen and rested a hand over Kaneki’s in reassurance as they closed the distance.

  
Hide’s lips were soft against his and relief quickly washed over him when he realised that this was it. Everything that was once fretted over was gone and the only thing that was making Kaneki’s heart race was his lips pressed against the blonde’s. They barely parted before Hide pulled Kaneki up onto his lap and pulled him back against his lips which Kaneki can definitely feel curving into a smile.

  
“You don’t know how bad I’ve wanted this,” Hide commented, voice hoarse and needy against his mouth. “Wanted  _you._ ” His heart felt warm at the admittance of those words.

  
“M-Me too.” He was surprised he had a voice at all from how it seemed to shake along with his body from the adrenaline pumping through his veins. The sound of it made heat pool to his cheeks which he hoped went unnoticed from the dim lighting of the room. “I mean… uh… not that I wanted  _myself_. I-”

  
“Shh… I know what you meant.” The blonde wrapped his arms around the other half ghoul’s form and pulled him closer; close enough that he could feel Hide’s breath chuckle on his lips that barely touched his own. He pressed their lips together again and Kaneki relaxed in his embrace and carded his fingers through the blonde locks that were in his reach as if trying to keep himself anchored to that closeness.

  
He couldn’t have ended that night on a more perfect note.

* * *

  
They abandoned their original plans of sleeping on the couch for a third consecutive night in a row and moved upstairs to the softness of Kaneki’s bed. Now that he was aware of how nice it was to have Hide’s arms around him holding him that close, Kaneki craved  _more_. The feeling of coming home was the most perfect way to describe it; when you go on a trip for a long time and come back through the front door to warmth and people that you missed. That’s what Hide’s embrace felt like.

  
“Can you hold me?” It was a small request, but one that didn’t go unnoticed. Arms wrapped around him and pulled him close to Hide’s chest, burying him in that scent that was much more comforting now than it had been coming from an article of the blonde’s old clothing.

  
 _I can get used to this_.

  
“Better?” Hide asked, placing a kiss on Kaneki’s forehead.  _I can_ definitely  _get used to this_.

  
“Much… thank you.”

  
“Well I assume that anything is better than that couch,” Hide joked with a laugh. “That couch was made with rocks… by the  _devil_  himself.”

  
“I like my couch, thank you very much,” Kaneki replied with a small pout, which went unnoticed in the pitch black darkness of the bedroom. “And I offered you the bed in the first place so you have no room to complain.”

  
“Touchè.” The room stilled with the sounds of their soft breathing and the rustling of sheets when one of them felt the urge to move the tiniest bit. Kaneki barely drifted off to sleep when he heard Hide speak next. “Kaneki… what  _are_ we?”

  
“Hm?” He felt sluggish, but tried to coax a better response from his mouth anyway. “As in…?”

  
“As in… when I’m with you somewhere and someone asks who you are… what do I say? How would I introduce you? I mean… we’re more than just friends now, aren’t we?”

  
Obviously, Hide was looking for that in between word that Kaneki couldn’t figure out for himself earlier. It probably didn’t matter now anyway.”

  
“You were always more than just a friend to me, Hide.” He smiled because it never felt so good to be so truthful before. To think that Kaneki was walking around on eggshells about how he felt just the day before and now they were  _here_. “You’re my most important person… you always will be. But… if you need some other kind of label…”

  
Kaneki wondered if there would ever be a moment between them where he didn’t feel the need to  _blush_ over something that was on his mind. “Boyfriend would sound nice… if you’ll have me.”

  
The thudding heartbeat returned when he was met with a short beat of silence and a pair of hands cradled his cheeks. The blonde laid a chaste kiss on Kaneki’s lips before giving him the answer that he was dying to hear.

  
“Always, Ken.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to broodyblue for the beta read <3\. ASDFGHJKL okay so that was my first ever attempt at a kissing scene (constructive criticism is always welcomed because as usual, I’d always like to improve my writing). Actually I’m nervous about this entire chapter in general, oh my god slay me. I’m trying to add in some extra fluff after like 13 chapters of angsty angst. Enjoy it before I have to catapult the story back into plot things.


	18. In Your Arms

_Weeks passed and Kaneki barely spoke at all. The kindness Jiro and Satoko offered him was unconditional and solely based off of the memory of who he used to be. The son of Ayami; the little boy who was always reading. He found it strange that they never asked him questions about his diet of coffee and water, or how they never pushed him to say a single word_.

  
_A day came when he felt restless; sleeping proved to be impossible, his hunger was starting to build up so strongly that even coffee couldn’t satiate it. Whether it be boredom or actual interest in the people who took him in, he started to look at the pictures sitting in the living room on the coffee table._

  
_Pictures can speak a thousand words and there were so many sitting in front of him that they could have been an entire book dedicated to their lives. All he could see was the happiness they lived in. He envied them in so many ways, wishing he could have some of that happiness for himself._

  
“ _Oyasumi, Jiro-chan,” Satoko said as she walked into the living room at looked at Kaneki studying the pictures. “And to you too, Ken-chan.” With a smile, he offered her a nod. Jiro came in from the kitchen once Satoko went upstairs and sat down next to the half ghoul._

  
“ _Pictures are interesting, aren’t they,” Jiro mused as he joined Kaneki in the surveying of the photos. A callused hand pointed to the photograph nearest him and a warm smile appeared on his face. “This one is my favourite… a lot of the people in it are gone now. War is tough; World War II was no exception. You can see that even in times of trouble, we all managed to have a moment to smile about.”_

  
I wish it was that easy.

  
“ _This one right here is a few pictures of my first tenants.” Jiro pulled one of the picture frames off the table and extended it over to Kaneki to take, pointing to the wallet sized photo in the upper right hand corner. “I’m sure you can recognise them.”_

_Kaneki would be blind if he didn’t. The man in the photo had jet black hair and a bit of stubble where it looked like he was trying to grow out a mustache. That same man was in photos that used to sit around the apartment next door; aside from the book he left behind, it was the only other connection he had with his father._

  
_The picture must have been taken around a time when his mother didn’t have many troubles, because just like the other pictures sitting on the coffee table, the happiness in this photo was also evident. She was holding a bundle in her arms; holding him._

  
“ _…How well did you know my father?” It was the first words he spoke since the night he was caught trying to leave. “Can you tell me about him? … Can you tell me about them?”_

* * *

 

  
He woke from the dream to Hide’s gentle shaking and the smell of coffee coming from the cup sitting in his other hand. It took a moment to fully wake up and take in the sight of the big grin on his friend’s… no wait… _Boyfriend’s_  face, but then he couldn’t hold back a smile of his own.

  
“I made coffee,” Hide announced proudly. Kaneki sat upright and took the steaming mug from his hands. At the very least, it smelled  _good_ , but Hide has attempted making coffee in the past and was the same blonde who used to call instant coffee a godsend. Just to be polite (because disheartening Hide was the absolute worst) Kaneki took the plunge and brought the rim of the cup to his lips. It was weak. Tasteless. Yet somehow, it left this slightest hint of aftertaste that stuck to the back of his throat.

  
“It’s  _good_ ,” Kaneki lied, lifting a hand to his chin while looking away.  _I’m lying through my teeth._ He placed the coffee cup on the end table before scooting up closer to the blonde.

  
“You lie!” Hide pouted, welcoming the chaste kiss that Kaneki laid on his cheek and took his hand. “You’re a terrible liar, you know.”

  
“Lie? About your coffee? Never.” A playful grin played at his lips as he tugged the blonde upward so he was standing in front of him. “I’m going to show you how to make better coffee, though. Right now.”  _The sooner, the better._  “Well first I’m going to brush my teeth, then  I’m going to show you how to make coffee.”

  
“Weeeeell, there may be a slight problem with that.” The blonde bit his lip nervously while waiting for Kaneki to respond.

  
“A slight problem?” Kaneki reiterated in question. “What do you mean?”

  
“I  _may_  have used all the coffee beans trying to make you the perfect cup.”

  
“HIDE!!”

* * *

 

  
After a much needed shower and a quick trip to The Hide-Away for a new supply of coffee beans, Kaneki found himself standing behind Hide as he eyed the coffee pot with a look of concentration.

  
“Okay… so take this filter and put it in the top part, and then use a little water from the kettle so it sticks to the sides and stays open.” He moved aside so he could watch Hide work, or rather, he watched  _Hide_  as he worked. The slight furrowing of his brows, the burning intensity behind his brown eyes that he almost wished were focused on himself instead of the coffee maker. In the midst of not really paying attention to the task at hand, he was shaken out of his thoughts to the sound of water dribbling into the bottom part of the coffee pot. “Woah woah stop!”

  
“Huh?” Hide blinked and looked back at his distracted instructor, eyes widened. “…What did I do?” The sound of defeat was evident in his voice and the small pout that resided on his lips was enough to make Kaneki feel bad.

  
“Y-you poured the water too fast…and it was more than what you needed. The filter is too wet now, so… I’ll get you a new one.” He retrieved one from the drawer that was behind him and folded the edge. “Just enough so it sticks this time. Dump out the water from the bottom though, otherwise your coffee is going to be too light.”

  
Everything that happened after that was a series of trial and error. Kaneki measured out the already ground coffee beans and told Hide to make a small well in the center… but Hide made a mass  _crater._ Kaneki told him to pour just enough to get the ground wet, and Hide poured, once again, way too much water. Hide’s disappointed expression only got worse after that.

  
“This isn’t working,” Hide said as he poured the contents of the bottom half of the coffee maker down the drain.

  
“It will work,” Kaneki promised, wrapping his arms around the blonde from behind. “It takes practice.”

  
“You mean a  _miracle._ ” Hide whined. “You make it look so easy.” Kaneki could have rebuked the statement with stories of his own initial coffee making struggles, but opted to place a small kiss on Hide’s shoulder instead while he put the dripper back together.

 

“Put another filter in with the coffee grinds,” Kaneki instructed, waiting until the blonde did as he was told. “Now grab the kettle.”

  
Just as Hide was about to pour the steaming water over the grinds, Kaneki placed his hand over Hide’s to better control the movements. “You want to move slower so the coffee can saturate better and once it bubbles over the grinds, give it a moment to die down again. It makes all the difference between a flavourful cup of coffee and a tasteless one.” Hide’s movements became more fluid, more controlled, and more confident. Kaneki made the bold move to take his hand away and smiled. “The bottom is full enough now.”

  
“Ah, right.” His boyfriend set the kettle, mostly empty from all the failed attempts now, back on the stove and poured some of the contents into it before trying to hand it to Kaneki.

  
“Nope. That’s your cup.” He smiled at Hide, with a small hint of teasing. “I won’t rob you of your first  _good_  cup of coffee.”

  
“I was trying to make you coffee, remember?” He extended the cup in excitement and really, how could Kaneki say no when Hide literally looked like an overly pleased puppy. “I’m not a huge fan of hot coffee anyway.” Kaneki admitted defeat and took the cup into his grasp and raised it to his lips.

  
Sure enough, it was really good.

* * *

 

  
“Hide, we’re gonna be late!” Kaneki stood by the front door of the apartment waiting for Hide to finish getting ready. He didn’t really see what the big deal was, or why Hide found it necessary to get all dressed up for Banjo’s game night. Then again, Kaneki knew the rest of his group and could probably care less what they thought of his state of dress… aside from Nishiki, Hide was meeting them for the first time.

  
“I don’t know what to wear! It’s hard going through all the boxes!”

  
“What about the stuff you packed in your suitcase?” He received no answer at first, but then he heard the faint sound of something being unzipped. “Found something yet?”

  
“All I have are dress shirts, slacks and boring professional clothes!” Hide wined, appearing at the foot of the steps with a frown on his face. “I don’t want to be perceived as a boring person, Kanekiiiiii!”  _Like that’s even possible_. With how outgoing Hide has always been, making friends with his little group really couldn’t be much of a problem. Kaneki let out a sigh and went up the stairs, dragging the blonde back into the bedroom and over to the closet. They were about the same size, with the exception of pants since Kaneki was a good inch or so shorter. He sifted through the rack of clothes quickly, pulling off a dark blue button down shirt.

  
“Here. Get a pair of jeans on and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  
After five minutes sitting at the foot of the steps, Hide finally came down the stairs with the blue shirt on, hair pulled back and tied up and…  _woah_. Hide pulled off the look better then Kaneki ever could and he couldn’t help but stare. A small smile spread on his face when Hide held out a hand to help the white haired male to his feet.

  
“To the party!” Hide exclaimed, now looping their arms with a grin on his face.

  
“You mean game night,” Kaneki corrected him, which sounded really lame once he said it. Well, no. Not lame.  _Normal_. The past three days have been nothing but slow, domestic normalcy, which was nice considering how it has been the complete opposite since he became a ghoul. Maybe finally it could stay this way; they could live feeling safe from the dangers of the CCG and his life as  _Gantai_ and  _Mukade_  could finally be over.

  
Living with Hide made him feel this way, not that it should really surprise him that the blonde made him feel the slightest bit human again.

* * *

 

  
Everything went so well… at first.

  
The majority of the group was already there; Banjou and Kurona chattered to themselves and there was a coffee pot in the center of the table with cups sitting at every seat. Nishiki and Kimi sat at the counter talking with Tami, who must have said something to grind Nishiki’s gears with annoyed look colouring his features. The first person Hide gravitated toward was Nishiki and Kaneki let him lead them both over.

  
“Hey Nagachika,” Nishiki commented with a smirk. “You two been having lots of  _fun_  the past few days?”

  
“Nishiki-kun,” Kimi hissed in warning as her cheeks turned pink from secondhand embarrassment. She looked over at Kaneki with a smile. “You look well, Kaneki-san.”

  
“As do you.” He watched as she turned her attention to Hide, as did Tami who eyed  how close the both of them were standing and how their arms were still linked. “Tami, Kimi… this is Hide. Please be kind to him, he’s very important to me.”

  
“Wait… Hide… as in…  _the_  Hide? The person the shop was named after?” Tami gasped in excitement before shooting the white haired male a playful grin. “Ooooh I know exactly who he is to you! But… you look really good for a dead person.” Nishiki let out a loud groan, now feeling a bout of embarrassment from Tami’s outburst. Kaneki also felt a bit of a sting from her words and felt himself tighten his hold on the blonde’s arm.

  
But Hide being Hide, laughed it off.

  
“Nevermind good, I look downright  _stunning_.” Hide replied, letting out a humoured laugh. “Okay, maybe not stunning but I look pretty great compared to most other zombies. Get it? Zombie… ‘cause I died and came back and now I…” Hide waved it off. “Ah, nevermind.”

  
Everyone ended up introducing themselves to Hide and sat at the table, passing around the pot of coffee so they could fill their cups. Banjou came to the table with a deck of cards in hand.

 

“So, is anybody here familiar with poker?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the calm before the impending storm.


	19. The Light Behind Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm.
> 
> To those who are easily triggered by PTSD, proceed with caution into the next two chapters. <3

It should have been obvious that their nice evening would somehow take a wrong turn eventually, but he never expected that it would be in the form of Tsukiyama arriving to game night. Actually if anything, Tsukiyama leaving his house should have been  _really_  good news; celebrated even. It meant that he was making an effort which was encouraged given the last several days. Shuu was genuinely in a good mood when he stepped into the coffee shop, flailing his arm in dramatic effect as he let out a loud, “bonjour!” Then, he noticed Hide and everything that could have went right went sour surprisingly quick.

  
“You’re late,” Nishiki scolded. He got up and wedged a chair between where himself and Kurona were sitting so Tsukiyama could sit down.“Is Kanae joining us, or…?”

  
“Kanae wasn’t interested in joining our festivities.” Shuu’s violet coloured eyes never once left the blonde, who was now openly blushing and looking away from the uncomfortable stare. “Not that it appears that…that  _matters_  since we’re clearly not lacking in participants. Who, pray tell, are you?”

  
“Hideyoshi…” Kaneki looked over at Hide, who was now trying to force a smile on his face. “You can just call me Hide.” Shuu hummed in reply and sat down next to Nishiki. Ken eyed him, noticing that Shuu seemed to take a rather strange interest in his boyfriend.

  
A weird interest that seemed to manifest itself within only five minutes of arriving.

  
Banjou collected all of their cards so they could restart the game when Kaneki’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

  
**Hide:** _That guy is giving me the creeps._

  
He gave Hide a sympathetic look, before reaching underneath the table to take Hide’s hand in his and threw Tsukiyama a warning glance. If he wasn’t so aware of how fragile the Gourmet’s state of mind was, he would have made a comment about it.  _Take a picture, it will last longer. Whoever raised you must have forgot to tell you this, but it’s not polite to stare_. For the sake of ruining everyone else’s night, he kept his mouth shut and pulled up Tsukiyama from the list of contacts in his phone.

  
**Kaneki:** _Are you alright Tsukiyama-san?_

  
“Alright chips in guys.” Banjou said, pushing five chips toward the center of the table and waited until everyone followed suit.

  
“Can’t we play a different game?” Tami asked. “Poker is getting a little, well,  _dull._ ”

  
“It’s just dull because you’re losing,” Nishiki huffed. “I agree with her though.” Another buzz from his pocket pulled Kaneki away from the ensuing argument.

  
**Tsukiyama:** _Who is he and what is he doing here?_

**Kaneki:** _He’s someone important to me. Does that bother you?_

  
“We were having so much fun though,” Kimi piped in.

  
“That’s because you and Wannabe Human over there won the last  _several_  rounds,” Nishiki argued, pointing at Hide. “I still think you cheated on that last round, Nagachika.”

  
“I did no such thing!” Hide dropped his jaw in fake shock. “You’re the only one to claim that there was an ace up my sleeve!” To Kaneki’s surprise, Hide didn’t even question the use of the term  _Wannabe Human_ , but seemed to wince at it instead.

* * *

 

  
Kaneki practically crashed into bed when they got home, completely exhausted from staying up well past the hours he was used to. It didn’t stop him from kicking off the black slacks while lazily pulling off the button down shirt to discard on the floor. His pants still clung onto him near his ankles, but he couldn’t find a single ounce of energy left to finish the job.

  
Somewhere in between stripping himself down to a pair of boxers and an undershirt, Hide slipped into the bathroom. He came out wearing a pair of blue pajama pants and a plain tee shirt and looked down at the other half ghoul with a playful smirk.

  
“Did you fall asleep somewhere between trying to take your clothes off?” He gestured to the pants around his boyfriend’s ankles. Kaneki let out an exhausted whine and pushed himself over so Hide could lay down next to him.

  
“Get’m  _off_ ,” Kaneki grumbled, before pushing his face into the pillow. His feet felt like they were weighed down by cement as he made another failed attempt at shucking them off. Hide chuckled in response before sitting down in the empty space made for him.

  
“You know, you’re really cute when you’re half asleep.” It took a few seconds for Kaneki to register what was said to him before letting out a soft whine. He was pretty sure his cheeks were  _scarlet_  now and he tried desperately to hide his face.

  
“ _Stooooooop_.” He knew he sounded like a sleepy five year old now, but keeping his cool when Hide was complimenting him while half asleep? Impossible. “Can you  _please_  just take off my pants now?”

  
“Wow Kaneki…I feel so unprepared. I didn’t know you wanted to skip all the foreplay and get down to  _business_.” Ken opened his eyes to glare at him and was met with Hide waggling his eyebrows, but also gently removing the slacks to throw onto the floor. “Is that better?”

  
Sure it was better, but the other side of his bed was still empty of a blonde laying beside him. With a weak tug to Hide’s arm, Kaneki pulled him down close to his body. He snaked his arms around the half ghoul’s waist and hummed in approval when the embrace was returned, along with a kiss to his forehead. He finally felt content enough to relax in his boyfriend’s arms and let out a tired yawn. “Now it’s better.”

  
He heard Hide hum in response before drifting into a dreamless sleep. Truthfully, it didn’t even feel like he even  _fell_  asleep. Thrashing and screaming was the sound he heard when he woke up and in the haze of it all, he thought it was himself who was making so much noise. It was Kaneki who suffered from the brutal nightmares…but it wasn’t him this time.

  
This time it was Hide.

  
His cheeks were wet with tears and he was shaking as he sobbed in between the screams. His voice sounded hoarse; it was a wonder that Kaneki slept through some of it. There was a moment where the blonde stopped moving and merely curled in on himself and whimpered.

  
“‘Need to save’m,” he cried. “Please l’me save him.” Then, he started thrashing and the screams begun again and Kaneki had to intervene.

  
“H-Hide?” Carefully, as if Hide was made of fragile glass, he touched Hide’s shoulder and started shaking. “Hide…” He tried to shake more aggressively, but his boyfriend was held on tightly by the nightmare. His heart practically stopped when Hide gripped his arm and pressed his blunt fingernails into the skin.

  
“DON’T TOUCH ME…. GET OFF OF ME!” Even if it was a scream, the words were coated in disparity and fear. His boyfriend’s words shouldn’t have hurt him as much as they did, but if felt like he couldn’t offer any comfort. It was like his touch was poisoned by whatever Hide was experiencing in his own head.

  
He let go in defeat, but Hide still clung on hard enough that if they were both still human, there would have been blood. “I don’t wanna die.” Tears threaten to spill from Kaneki’s eyes as Hide started to cry again. It was deafening compared to the loudness from before.

  
“I won’t let anyone hurt you…” It was more than just a promise. Kaneki would find a way to move mountains if it meant keeping Hide safe because he remembered how hard a life without him was. It was cold and dark; it was something he would never let happen again so long as he was still breathing. “I don’t know if you can hear me… but I  _swear_  it. Anyone who tries to lay a finger on you will have it snapped off.” The threat he just delivered should have made his skin crawl with the memory of what Yamori did to him, but he merely cracked his pointer finger without another thought.

  
Slowly, a pair of chocolate coloured, glassy eyes blinked up at him and Hide flinched away.  _Was Hide scared of him_?  _Was he the object of Hide’s nightmare that was causing so much fear_?

 

“Oh…oh  _no_.” Hide barely had a voice and Kaneki didn’t know what hurt worse; the fact that Hide started  _shaking_ even more when Kaneki tried to reach out to him again, or when Hide fled the bedroom without another word.

  
_What did I_ do? He covered his mouth to hold back a sob.

  
“What did you do?” Piercing laughter filled the room and Kaneki’s heart stopped.  _No. Not now. Please not now_. “What  _haven’t_  you done?” It’s his own voice mocking him, yet when Kaneki looked toward the far corner of the room he could really see who the voice really belonged to.

  
Blue sweater, black pants, an eyepatch covering his left eye.

  
The  _black_  hair.

  
_So much for being normal_ , the ghoul thought bitterly, before trying to find his voice. His  _own_ voice. “Go away.”

  
“Go  a w a y?” A low chuckle sounded from it’s teasing lips as it moved across the room, bending forward to meet Kaneki eye to eye. “But I’m part of you.” Kaneki flinched away from the invading fingers that carded too gently through his snow white hair. “Don’t you see Ken… I can’t leave you. You  _need_  me. I’m that part of you that you hold in… but you crave to release. Why don’t you let me free now? Let Hide see your true colours.”

  
“Leave me alone.” It was Kaneki’s turn to curl in on himself. The palms of his hands pushed tightly to his ears as he tried to block out the voices; tried to ignore the fingers that wouldn’t **stop**.

  
“You can’t block me out remember?”  _It’s in my head, it’s in my head. Make it stop!_ “He’ll meet me eventually…” The fingers dragged down his face and the  _thing_  got close enough to breathe hot air against the side of his face. “It’s only a matter of time before I gain more control.”

  
“I-I won’t let you…” he stuttered out, and met the phantom in the eyes. “I-I’m stronger then you… C- _Centipede_.”

  
“Mmmm… we’ll see about that, won’t we?” A soft laugh tickled his skin and the fingers that were once caressing his face dropped from the owner’s hand and landed in Kaneki’s lap. Centipede looked down in curiosity, before picking one up with his other hand. “Oh no… they _slipped_.”

  
Kaneki wanted to scream, but all that left his shaken form was ragged breaths. The hallucination dissipated into thin air and it took a few minutes before Kaneki could find it in himself to breathe a sigh of relief. He needed to make sure Hide was okay… and he wasn’t even sure if he could adequately keep himself calm now.

Slowly, the half ghoul got up from the bed and made his way down the stairs and into the living room where he found the blonde sitting in the middle of the sectional sofa. His knees were tucked up against his chest and the orange headphones sat on his head. Kaneki could hear the music from a room away, but it sounded soothing and soft in the atmosphere of the downstairs.

  
Hide looked up at Kaneki with mismatched eyes; his brown eye was ringed with red and the other…

  
His right eye was his  _ghoul_  eye; veins branching off around it; the first real visible proof of what Hide was now. In one swift motion he pulled the earphones down around his neck, and looked at Kaneki with a sorrowful expression.

  
“I…I’m  _sorry_. I-I didn’t mean… I…” His voice cracked and his lip trembled. “I’m so  _tired_ , Kaneki.” Slowly, Kaneki made his way over and sat down next to him. He pulled the blonde into a tight hug and let Hide burrow his face into the crook of his neck. “I want to sleep so bad and I can’t. This always happens and it won’t stop.”

  
“You should have woken me up… Hide you didn’t have to-”

  
“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” Hide replied, voice trembling. “I-I didn’t want t-to  _bother_ you.” The confession made Kaneki hold onto the blonde tighter. His sobbing got worse.

  
“You could never burden me.” He pulled away so he could wipe Hide’s tear stained cheeks.

  
“You say that now…” Hide muttered looking down at his legs. “You won’t mean it later. Even Nishio said-” He shook his head instead of finishing the sentence. “Nevermind.”

  
“No tell me,” Kaneki pleaded as he gripped onto Hide’s shoulders. “I want to help you.  _Please_ let me.” He pulled him back into a hug, rubbing Hide’s back in a soothing motion. How did it come to this? Hide was the one that Kaneki turned to when things were going wrong growing up. It was rarity when the tables turn and Hide was the one suffering from something. Was he just oblivious this entire time? Should he have paid better attention?

  
“I’m s-starving, Kaneki…” Hide cried with a wavered voice at the confession. “I’m starving and tired and… I don’t know how I’ll exist as a  _ghoul_. They have every right to call me a wannabe human; I deserve that title.”

  
“No you  _don’t_.” Knowing his group, it was probably a playful nickname and nothing more; definitely not something that they thought would upset Hide. He didn’t know if this was something that was plaguing Hide’s mind from the very beginning or something that was brought on recently, but Kaneki didn’t want to see Hide like this. “They don’t understand how hard it is to go from being…”  _Normal_? “Human… to having to survive on human meat. It’s not easy.”

  
“I can’t eat anything unless I can’t see it… unless it’s in a cup that I can’t see into… I don’t even know what my kagune looks like. I’m… so scared of myself lately.”

  
“I’ll help you,” Kaneki promised, running his fingers through the long, blonde locks. “I promise.”

* * *

 

  
The next several weeks were hard to get through. What ever facade Hide was carrying around with him was let down and the truth underneath it was hard to get used to. With the exception of being with Kaneki again and closer to him than ever before, Hide wasn’t  _happy_. Circumstances changed the way Hide reacted to most things and what was left it it’s place was somebody who grew to be fearful.

  
Hide used to be fear _less_  and now he talks of the masked ghoul from his nightmares and shakes from the memory. He outwardly jumps when something makes a loud noise or Kaneki comes into a room too quietly. Then there are the nights when Kaneki holds Hide until he falls asleep and is met with the thrashing, crying and screaming that makes him want to outwardly hurt the person who did that to him.

  
This was Hide not hiding or holding himself back; the Hide that has been through too much and was lucky to even be alive and breathing.

  
The morning after the first nightmare, Kaneki wasted no time in going to the coffee shop for a package of meat and ground it up in the food processor that was kept in one of the cabinets. He pureed it until it was practically liquid, dumped it into a plastic cup and made sure Hide drank it. With all the horrors Hide faced, hunger didn’t have to be one of them.

  
The white haired male thinks bitterly about how the tables have turned and remembered how the world was cruel. He was reminded again a month later of this at the worst possible time.

  
At a time when everything going on around them should be the very  _least_  of their concerns; when he had Hide underneath him and in a better mood.

  
“Oooh someone must be feeling dominant,” Hide commented weakly as their lips parted, smiling against them. “I think I like this.” If his face wasn’t already heated in embarrassment for trying to be forward, then Hide’s comment definitely didn’t help. He pressed his lips onto Hide’s to save himself from any other form of  _commentary_. He felt Hide’s hand card through his hair and latch on, anchoring them both in place. Their actions became more needy and desperate like they’ve been deprived of oxygen for so long and were finally given the chance to breathe. There’s a brief moment where Kaneki hesitates at the feeling of Hide’s tongue tracing his bottom lip before slipping in and licking the roof of his mouth.

  
Which he let out an embarrassing moan to and then relaxes into, experimentally sliding his own tongue against the blonde’s. Desperate arms wrap around his torso and pull the white haired male closer to Hide’s warm body and he  _felt_  Hide groan into the kiss.

  
Which Kaneki is sure his brain  _short circuited_  over.

 

With a shiver he parts from the blonde’s lips and gently trails kisses to Hide’s neck until he can feel his quickened pulse against his mouth. He smiled and lingered over it for a moment; over the sentimental reminder that he was  _alive_  and placed a chaste kiss there.

  
“You’re so beautiful,” he said wholeheartedly and looked at Hide just in time to see a smile on his face. It warmed his heart to see Hide that happy again.

  
The blonde gripped onto the front of Kaneki’s shirt and dragged him down until their lips met again; into the heated need and want that radiated from him.

  
Everything was nice and sweet until hands started wandering…which was happening over the clothes anyway. The second Kaneki’s fingers touched the tiniest bit of skin under Hide’s shirt, the blonde stopped everything. Hide jumped up and pushed lightly for Kaneki to get off.

  
“W-we should stop,” he commented, looking away from Kaneki’s face as he pulled his knees to his chest. He couldn’t help but feel a severe case of whiplash from how spontaneously Hide shifted the gears of what was happening.

  
“Did I do something wrong?” He bit his lip at the wave of guilt that washed over him. Did he move too fast? What just  _happened_?

  
“N-no!” Hide sputtered out. “I just… I need… we should just stop, okay? It’s late and we should… we should just sleep. Or something.”

  
It was best to just let it go because Hide would bring it up if he needed to. Instead, he laid down next to Hide who said nothing for the rest of the night. The blonde pulled Kaneki into his arms and muttered a few apologies.

  
It didn’t ease the guilt, not when he could feel Hide’s entire form quaking against him.

* * *

 

  
To save Hide from dying of boredom at the apartment, Kaneki gave him a job at the coffee shop in hopes that maybe it could distract Hide from the stuff that was bothering him. It helped the business after only the first week and the customers liked interacting with him. His smile was contagious, even if it was entirely forced.

  
Tsukiyama didn’t like it and he made that very clear when he came through the back door to the coffee shop to find Hide and Kaneki in the break room. Typically Shuu wouldn’t enter a room without making himself known but he kept silent this time and went upstairs.

  
“What is with him lately?” Kurona asked, peeking up from the door to the refrigerator. Kaneki merely shrugged in reply as Kanae came in through the back door too. He expected Kanae not to pay him much mind so the servant not even making eye contact with Kaneki didn’t bother him the least bit. He did look at Hide with a questionable glance, but looked away once he got to the foot of the stairs.

  
“At least he’s not cooped up in his bedroom,” Kaneki muttered, taking a sip from his coffee cup. “Just as long as he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing, I could care less.” Not that that was true; he held the Gourmet at an arm’s length but that wasn’t to say he didn’t care at all for Shuu.

  
Maybe Kaneki had a facade of his own. Or maybe he just didn’t like the sudden immaturity that the older male was displaying.

  
“You.” Shuu came down the stairs with a finger pointed at the blonde. “What is your purpose here?”

  
“I…” Hide scratched his cheek in thought before smiling. “serve coffee and chat it up with the customers in the hopes that they’ll come back so we can make more money, stay in business longer, and offer aid to the ghoul community!” He gave Shuu a thumbs up in closing.

  
“You should make yourself more useful,” Shuu suggested. “Why don’t you come with me for the afternoon; I’m picking up a few things for the business.”

  
“Shuu I don’t think-” Kaneki tried to protest.

  
“If it makes me more useful, I don’t see why not.” Hide grinned. “Let’s go.” He looked over at the blonde with a concerned expression which Hide shrugged off. He knew what he was doing and that he was walking into something far different from what Shuu was advertising. He waited until Hide went upstairs to get changed into his casual clothing before standing up to confront Tsukiyama.

  
“I don’t know what kind of stunt you’re trying to pull-”

  
“Relax, Kaneki-kun.” Tsukiyama placed a ‘reassuring’ hand on Kaneki’s shoulder. “He’ll be returned to you in one piece. I promise.”

  
He didn’t have to answer with a threatening, “you better,” because the look on his face probably said a lot more then that. Hide came down the stairs a few minutes later and Kaneki pulled him into a hug.

  
  
“Watch your back around him,” Kaneki whispered into the blonde’s ear. “I don’t really trust him not to try something stupid. Please be careful.”

* * *

 

  
“I do  _not_  like him!” The front door to the apartment slammed several hours later and a very distressed blonde stormed into the living room with a very angered look on his face. “He’s such a…a  _pompous asshole_!” Hide proceeded to continue complaining and actually managed to slip in and out of speaking in one language making it impossible for Kaneki to follow what was going on.

  
“Hide.” The half ghoul patted the empty spot next to him on the couch and waited for Hide to calm down before asking, “What happened?”

  
“I went knowing that I was going to be walking into some sort of trouble with that guy, but I figured hey, he’d tell me why he just likes me for no reason, right? So he dropped his butler off at his too-big-for-his-ego  _mansion_ and had me move up front to sit with him.” He openly shook with more anger the further he got into his story. “He then proceeded to ask me, ‘do you know anything about flower symbolism?’ I said no and he started to say, ‘Kaneki’s group is like one big flower garden and he’s the spider lily in the center. He listed off everyone and then got to me and said I was a sunflower. A  _sunflower_!” He threw his arms up and collapsed against the back of the couch.

  
“…Sunflowers are pretty though,” Kaneki replied, a bit confused about why Hide was distressed over it.

  
“I thought so too! I thought it was an actual compliment, but  _man_  was I apparently wrong! I said thank you and he said, ‘don’t mistake that for a compliment.” And then he told me that sunflowers are  _weeds_  that suck up the nutrients of anything that grows around it and that I would be the death to his stupid garden.” A pout settled on his lips. “…You don’t think I’m a sunflower, do you? I didn’t think I was such a ba- _mmph_!” Kaneki pulled Hide close until their lips were crashing against each other hoping it would be enough to silence him.

  
“I  _like_  sunflowers.” He let the words escape his mouth slowly as his hot breath washed over Hide’s lips. “You’re my favourite addition to the garden… the most beautiful. Don’t let him ever make you think otherwise.”

  
Apparently Kaneki had some damage control to do and he was going to make sure Shuu got the message  **loud and clear**.

  
He waited until the next morning to put his plan into action. He made all the necessary calls and filled Nishiki and Banjou in on what was going on so they wouldn’t be completely dumbstruck when everything went down. Hide was let in on half of the plan, but for the sake of being a tad bit romantic he kept a big chunk of it under wraps.

  
It was around the afternoon that Shuu came into the Hide-Away to meet with Banjou to discuss matters over patrol schedules when Hide came through the front doors. Kaneki made sure to make himself look busy as he opened the inventory files.

  
“Isn’t today your day off?” Nishiki grumbled, walking over to where Hide sat down at the counter.

  
“Your iced coffee is the best though!” Hide exclaimed. “…Which is what I want, by the way.” Shuu couldn’t pass up the opportunity to roll his violet coloured eyes at the sound of their interaction.

  
“He clearly has no taste… what kind of ghoul orders  _iced_  coffee and thinks that tastes okay?” Shuu muttered to Banjou. “Not that I expected him to have much taste to begin with; just look at the way he  _dresses_.” Banjou grumbled in reply about how Shuu was being loud enough for everyone to hear him and was suffering from the secondhand embarrassment of it all.

  
_People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones_.

  
“Here Nagachika.” Nishiki handed him the glass of iced coffee and waited for the blonde to take a sip. “Does it need anymore ice? More coffee?”

  
“It’s perfect,” Hide replied with a smirk. “It’s just the way I like it; cold and bitter… like Tsukiyama-san’s  _personality_.”

  
Shuu’s facial expression was  _laughable_. His mouth hung agape in obvious disbelief that Hide would ever say something so bold so freely, but the blonde looked back at him with an amused grin. “Oh… I’m sorry. Did I say something to offend you?”

  
“Kaneki-kun! Did you hear what he said about me?” He stood up from the stool and gestured to the blonde. “He insulted me!”

  
“I’m thinking of ordering bouquets of flowers for all the tables, something not too flashy.” Kaneki made it sound like he was thinking out loud to himself but peered up at the Gourmet from his inventory sheet. “Shuu, you know about interior decorating, right?” Setting everything down, he opened up the cabinet below him and pulled out the final low blow. He sat the bouquet of sunflowers on the counter and smiled  _too_  sweetly at the older male. “These would look nice, right? I don’t want to seem too biased on my choice… they’re my favourite flower after all.”

  
Tsukiyama gawked at him in disbelief now realising that Kaneki knew about what went down between Hide and himself. With a few muttered French words under his breath, he picked up the jacket hanging off the back of his chair and left in a hurry.

  
Hide was the first to burst out into obnoxious laughter.

  
“Did you  _see_  his face? That was priceless!”

  
“Well maybe he’ll finally realise what he did wrong,” Kaneki commented with a shrug and took the flowers over to the big group table. “I just wish I knew why he was doing it in the first place. I find it odd that openly hates one person.”  _Somebody he barely even knows._

  
After about an hour or so, Hide left to return to the apartment. A smile rested on the half ghoul’s face as he waited for  _something_  to happen, because Hide wasn’t returning to the apartment in the same way he left it. Ten minutes passed when his cell phone started ringing which Kaneki was eager to answer.

  
“ _You’re such a sap!”_ Hide said in an accusatory tone as he sniffled. “ _Literally the biggest sap in the world._ ”

  
“Mm,” Kaneki replied. “Did you like them?”

  
“ _I love them…and the even sappier card that was attached.”_  There’s a brief pause, along with a sound of rustling in the background. “ _Thank you for all the flowers, Kaneki_.”

* * *

 

  
“Nishio-senpai… can I talk to you about something?” They both were closing up the Hide-Away after hours, but worked in silence as the music from the MP3 player created some background noise. Nishiki looked over at him with a raised brow as he put up the last of the chairs on the table and walked over to the counter. He leaned forward on it in front of the half ghoul.

  
“Spill it.”

  
“…Have I been helpful so far?” He knew he was being cryptic, but he didn’t want to influence the older male’s answer and merely waited for a response.

  
“That’s a rather… you know what, nevermind.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and slid his eyes closed in thought. “I’ll just cover all my bases. Yes. You’re helpful to the ghouls that need our help, Banjou keeps saying that he feels like he’s close with people and he came for your cause, so you ended up helping him. You helped Kurona start over, helped Tami get a job, gave Shuu a reason to get out of bed. Um… you helped me and Kimi… Kaneki, why are you asking?”

  
“What if I’m… unhelpful to someone I care about?” It’s already been a month and it would only be a matter of time before Hide would get hungry again and he already said he would put his foot down about the cup thing. The kagune was an entirely separate issue that he wasn’t sure how to even approach yet. “What if… I’m just  _useless_?”

  
“You would at least try, knowing you,” Nishiki replied. “If you put in some kind of effort, it’s not really being useless is it? To be useless is to not try  _at all_.”

  
“Because it would be a wasted effort?” Kaneki shrugged. “Sorry… I’ll let you get back to work.”

  
“I finished. Besides, I’m waiting for you to finally cave and tell me what you and Wannabe Human are having issues with.” Nishiki gave him a knowing smirk. “You said someone you care about… and who do you care about more than  _Nagachika_?”

  
“Well for starters, quit calling him Wannabe Human. He’s just in bad shape; I guess being away from the CCG and being treated almost human all the time… it made him realise that he’s not anymore.” Kaneki halfway wonders when Nishiki became like a mentor to him because he became someone that he turned to for a lot of things. He was grateful for Nishiki offering to listen most of the time.

  
“You would know what he’s going through better than anyone though,” Nishiki offered. “You’ve been in the shoes of a human-turned-ghoul. Use that to your advantage.”

  
“…I’m no Yoshimura.” With a sigh, he put the dishes through the dishwasher. “I don’t think I can ever be to Hide what Yoshimura was to me.”

  
“Hide doesn’t need Yoshimura; he’s got a best friend who’s been through all the bullshit he’s going through and a  _boyfriend_  to offer the determination to push through.” With a shrug, Nishiki walked over to the front door and ushered Kaneki to hurry up. “You’re not useless Kaneki, you’re a dumb ass for not seeing that in the first place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I used to know how to play poker, but then realised (as I was about to write a really detailed scene involving them all playing the game) that I don't remember how to play it anymore! I was severely bummed about it. XD


	20. Interlude: Better Than I Know Myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes are taken directly from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. ^_^

Sometimes the mirror can be a person’s worst enemy and Hide grew to hate many things about the image staring back at him on the rare occasions that he bothered to look at all. There was a time when he didn’t mind it; a time when he was pretty satisfied with the way he was. He was proportioned correctly, prided himself on his muscular legs from the frequent biking he did around Tokyo, and he liked his hair when it was bleached. His skin used to have a slight tinge of colour too.

  
He used to look more alive.

  
There was something that drew him to the mirror that morning after stepping out from the shower. He wrapped the towel around his waist and tried not to think about how his hip bones were starting to jut out more so than usual. Even with the fogged up glass, he could still see the discoloration of the jagged scars that coloured his skin in a mute shade of pink. It covered a decent chunk of the right side of his torso and he hated it.  _Despised_  it.

  
If he couldn’t so much as look at it from time to time, how could he ever expect Kaneki to  _ever_ see it?

  
When he figured enough was enough with staring at himself in disgust, he tugged on the clothes he brought into the bathroom with him; a pair of distressed jeans with a green polo shirt and wrapped his hair into the discarded towel.

  
He left the bathroom, but not before putting a small smile on his face to mask the insecurities that just plagued him. Luckily for him, Kaneki was still sound asleep with his back turned to the wall. The blonde let his smile falter and approached the bedside quietly. His lingering gaze was met with the same guilt that he felt for weeks after the initial nightmare.

  
Kaneki never told him about all the hardships he faced since becoming a ghoul, but the black fingernails and snow white hair were enough of a hint for Hide to know that he went through enough without having to add to his baggage. Now Kaneki had dark circles around his eyes and it was all his fault.

  
_Dammit why did I fall asleep that night_? He mentally cursed himself and now he was paying for the mistake. He stayed awake when Kaneki fell asleep on the first several nights and would try in vain to get a peaceful sleep when he left for work.  _Dammit, dammit, dammit_!

  
With a frown on his lips, he sat down and leaned over the sleeping form.

  
“Yo Kaneki…” Hide gently shook his arm until he stirred in his sleep and a pair of cloudy coloured eyes squinted up at him. It wasn’t long before Kaneki rolled over and threw the blankets over his head in protest.

  
“It’s so  _bright_ ,” he complained, voice still thick with sleepiness. The blonde slid the facade back on like a mask and with it, a smile appeared on his face again.

  
“Nah, you’ve just never been a morning person.” He leaned down to where he assumed Kaneki’s head was a placed a quick peck onto the blanket. “C’mon lazy bones! Where’s your sense of adventure?” When he received no answer, he proceeded to violently shake the blanketed form. “Kaaaaneki~!”

  
“My sense of adventure is still behind my eyelids,” Kaneki remarked, trying to get out from Hide’s grasp.

  
“How  _laaaaaame_.” It was obvious that Hide could have dished out any number of things, insults even, and Kaneki would still be too asleep to fully react to them. With a grumble of defeat, Hide rested his chin on what he assumed was Kaneki’s shoulder. “If I bring you coffee, will you get up?”

  
“Mmm… it’s a possibility. You’d have to close the curtains too.”

  
“Alright Captain… I’ll heed to all of your tedious demands,” Hide joked as he got up to close the curtains and leave the room. Fortunately he made much better coffee now than he did before, so at the very least Kaneki didn’t have to drink coffee flavoured water anymore. He filled up the kettle and played around on his phone as he waited for the water to heat. His web surfing didn’t last long and he felt his heart sink when opening his personal email.

  
**Yona.Nagachika03| They’re looking fo… | May 2 |**

**MadoAkira| Did you die, Naga… | April 28 |**

**WashuuYoshitoki| This isn’t funny Hi… | April 22 |**

**WashuuYoshitoki| Where are you! | April 18 |**

**JonesSteven| You’re late to you’… | March 30  |**

  
He opened the recent one sent by his mother, knowing full well what the other messages probably said.

  
**From:** [ **Yona.Nagachika03@outlook.jp** ](mailto:Yona.Nagachika03@outlook.jp)

**To:** [ **Hideyoshi.N1253@outlook.jp** ](mailto:Hideyoshi.N1253@outlook.jp)

  
_Hey Yoshi,_

  
_They’re looking for you. Your father came to my door yesterday asking if I’ve seen you and if I knew where you were hiding. I didn’t tell them anything, I promise and for the most part I think they’re looking in Tokyo. I hope you’re safe wherever you are… please be extra careful. I don’t think they’ll hurt you, but I can’t say the same for Kaneki._

  
_I love and miss you, Kid._

  
_P.S.: You have a smartphone, right? Do yourself a favour and get rid of it. There’s GPS in them now-a-days and they track you if your phone is still active._

  
“Hide, the kettle has been whistling for a few minutes now.” Kaneki came down the steps rubbing his eyes and went over to the stove to remove the kettle from the burner. “…Hide?”

  
“They’re looking for me…” Hide dropped the phone on the counter, pulled open the drawers, and started rummaging around. “The CCG… they know I’m not in New York and they’re  _looking_  for me.” He found a meat tenderizer.  _Perfect._

  
“Maybe they think you were kidnapped or something.”

  
“Well I’m not going to give them the chance to think any different,” Hide said, and with that last statement, he hit the phone as hard as he could. He wasn’t going back to the CCG; not to the doctor or his father or anything that could take him away from Kaneki.

  
The shards of plastic from the destroyed phone that laid around them as proof of that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
A few hours later, after picking a new phone up and putting it under Kaneki’s phone plan, Kaneki told him that he had one more place to go to. He expected it to be the Hide-Away, maybe for a fresh supply of coffee beans or to check on something in his office. The last thing he expected, however, was to be standing in an empty room waiting for Kaneki to join him.

  
It didn’t help that Kaneki took  _forever_.

  
The door opened after several minutes, but it wasn’t Kaneki who came in. It was Nishiki instead, who came in with a folded up outfit and a grin on his face.

  
“Put these on and let me know when you’re done.” He threw the clothes at Hide who caught them before they dropped to the floor.  _Why…?_  Just as he looked up to ask Nishiki about what was going on, the older male closed the door.

  
He looked down at the clothes and quickly got changed into them. With all the secrecy going on, Hide expected a surprise date or something right up Kaneki’s cheesy alley, but all of that changed when he looked down at  _what_  he was wearing. A white ribbed tank top and a pair of black shorts? It had to be something requiring exercise, or something where his clothes could get easily damaged.

 

… _No._

  
“You can’t just spring something like this on me!” he exclaimed, knowing that Nishiki had to be within ear shot. “I’m not doing this!” Silence. “I know one of you can hear me!” Why didn’t he notice this sooner? The empty room, the clothes…

  
Hide was  _mad_.

  
“Relax… we’re not springing anything on you,” Nishiki grumbled as he came back into the room. “I mean you know now right? There’s no spring left to sprung.”

  
“…I want to kick you so hard right now.”

  
“Good.” Nishiki unzipped the hoodie he was wearing and threw it off to the side. “That anger is going to help you in the long run.” With a shrug he added, “Or at least…that’s what  _I_  use. Don’t worry… I’m not as brutal as most people.”

  
Just as he moved his mouth to speak, he eyed the blue muscle that protruded from Nishiki’s back and slithered down his left leg. The image of that same kagune from his memory was nothing compared to seeing it in person. It was so vibrant in color, almost see through like glass in some areas, and if you looked carefully you-

  
That same kagune lunged at him in one swift movement and Hide jumped back quickly in a last second attempt to avoid it. Nishiki’s smile got bigger and a laugh escaped his lips. “I may have said I’m not as brutal, but it doesn’t mean I’m not at  _all_.”

  
“What the fuck, Nishio!” Hide yelled, just before the kagune came back toward him once more.

  
_Kagune. Blue Kagune. No. No it’s red._   _It’s red and big and… it hurts. It went through my body and it hurts so bad_!

  
“Stop!” Hide pleaded, curling himself into a ball as he hugged his abdomen. He squeezed his eyes shut. “P-please don’t kill me.” All he could see was the mask again, towering over his body on the ground.  _He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to kill me again._

  
“Nagachika…” The voice reaching out to him was too muffled. Too far away.

  
_He’s going to kill me._   _I’m going to die again_.

  
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Hide screamed. Tears fell down his cheeks and he couldn’t stop shaking. How did the masked man find him… why couldn’t he-

  
“…Hide.” The voice was soft. Far away, but soft. The hand on his shoulder was just as gentle. “It’s over Hide.” When he willed himself to open his eyes again, he was met with Kaneki’s caring and concerned expression. He outstretched his arms. “Come here.”

  
“It’s over?” Right. Because the masked man was never there. He was just remembering the bad things that left an impact on him. He let out a nervous, forced laugh. “I… I let myself get scared again, huh?”

  
“Nishio-senpai…  _this_  is why I told you to  _wait_  for me to come back up here.” The blonde burrowed closer to the other half ghoul as he spoke. “You can’t just act without talking to him about it first.”

  
“To be fair we did speak before I tried the same approach that every single ghoul is put through when they’re taught to use their kagune. How was I supposed to know that this would happen?” Nishiki walked closer to them both. “I’m sorry Nagachika.” Hide offered a weak nod in response, but never lifted it from Kaneki’s shoulder. “Hey. Plus side though! We know what his kagune is now!”

  
_Kagune? My kagune came out?!_

  
“Well if you were this distressed, I’m sure yours would have come out on instinct, too,” Kaneki grumbled. “…What  _is_  his kagune?”

  
“It’s a bikaku… I think. I’ve never seen one with an  _end_  like that though. It kind of looks like…”

  
Hide lifted his head and looked around the room and all the  _destruction_  that was done to the walls and the floor.  _Did I do that_?

  
“Why is it… standing up like that?”

  
“Stop talking about it…” Hide whined, finally willing himself to peer behind his shoulder at the  _thing_ ; at the black that outlined it and the deep orange that went down the middle and literally  _pulsed_. It looked like liquid lava. It was the tip of his kagune that they were all eying. “I-I told you it was spliced, remember?”

  
“I think… we need to call Touka-chan.” Kaneki moved so he could stand up and offered his hand to Hide. “This… this is her territory.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
After the rough ordeal from earlier, they decided it would be best to come back to the whole kagune thing when Touka arrived in a week. Just hearing that made Hide sigh in relief; he could use a few days of calmness. A chance to bounce back to the easy going big ball of energy that he was sure everyone preferred. After all, who wants to be around the absolute mess that he has become in the last year or so.

  
Not Hide. Hide hated it worse than anything.

  
He took a quick shower upstairs to get rid of the bits of sheetrock from his hair and to feel a little more refreshed before joining his boyfriend back downstairs.

  
His boyfriend who was drinking a cup of coffee and listening to the TV as it played in the background; or more so chugging the black liquid like his life depended on it. Once the cup was depleted of the beverage, Hide took it from his hand and walked it to the kitchen. He heard a small, “thanks,” when he placed it in the sink. Kaneki slumped down on the couch in defeat, giving into the exhaustion that plagued his body. Before coming to sit down beside him, Hide pulled one of the books off the shelf.

  
Kaneki had done so much for him, the least he could do was hopefully make the other male remember how much he loved books.

  
Once he sat down, he picked up the pillow and blanket sitting on the end and scooted down in it’s place.

  
“Hey, come down here. Keep me company.”  _Short lived company_. There was no way Kaneki would make it another ten minutes.

  
“…I’m sorry, Hide,” Kaneki murmured, rubbing his eyes before crawling closer. His face crashed into the pillow and he rolled onto his side and let Hide drape the blanket over him. “…Wait.. no this is wrong. Hide  _you_  need sleep.”

  
“Nuh-uh Kaneki.” The last thing he was going to do was let Kaneki baby him into sleeping in his place. “You’ve taken care of me so much this past month… I miss taking care of  _you_  sometimes.” A soft smile appeared on his lips in memory of the times in their youth when Kaneki either turned to him or he found out on his own that his best friend needed him. There were so little worries between the two of them back then. Maybe that was the proof of their friendship. Their bond. They’ve been through hell and back and still managed to be there for eachother. “Let me take care of you this time.”

  
When he received no answer the blonde started carding through the white locks in front of him and flipped open to the first page of the book. “‘I am by birth a Genevese; and my family is one of the most distinguished of that republic. My ancestors had been for many years counsellors and syndics; and my father had filled several public situations with honour and reputation. He was respected by all who knew him for his integrity and indefatigable attention to public business. He passed his younger days perpetually occupied by the affairs of his country; a variety of circumstances had prevented his marrying early, nor was it until the decline of life that he became a husband and the father of a family…’”

“Mary Shelley’s  _Frankenstein_ ,” Kaneki muttered, a small smile forming on his lips. “I haven’t read that in a long time.”

  
“Shh… you’re not supposed to talk when someone is reading you a bedtime story, ‘Neki.”

  
“Mm… I wouldn’t know. ‘Never had someone read one to me.” That was a rather bizarre thing for Hide to understand, especially having a mother like Yona who read to him every night that she was home before he went to sleep. She read the dialogue with the strongest bravado and never failed to make those stories _memorable_.

  
It made him rather sad to think that Kaneki didn’t have any memories like that. His mother was always so busy trying to make ends meet that she probably missed a great deal of opportunities, but there was something about picturing a younger Kaneki… reading to himself before going to sleep at night that made him feel so  _bad_.

  
“Well then… I’ll make sure your first is  _awesome_.” With a playful smile he added, “If you want I can read it like Tsukiyama-san; with fifty shades of flamboyancy and no chill.”

  
“Please no,” Kaneki replied, but smiled none-the-less.

  
“I can even throw in the hand gestures for the low price of one single kick to the ass!”

  
“I liked you better when you were reading,” Kaneki replied with a small laugh.

  
“Well I would still be reading if you didn’t distract me,” Hide retorted and started skimming the words with a frown. “I don’t remember where I left off.”

  
“ _…that he became a husband and the father of a family_.” Kaneki looked up at him. “See? Proof that I was paying attention…” Right. Kaneki would remember word for word where he left off. “You have a nice reading voice… it makes the words sound less dead.”

  
“Paging Kaneki Ken. Here’s your message;  _shh_!” He leaned down to plant a kiss to the side of Ken’s face before finding his place in the book again. “Anyway. ‘As the circumstances of his marriage illustrate his character, I cannot refrain from relating them. One of his most intimate friends was a merchant, who, from a flourishing state, fell, through numerous mischances, into poverty _._..’”

  
It wasn’t long before Kaneki’s breathing evened out and Hide knew it was okay to stop reading. At least one of them could sleep soundly for awhile.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
“…Kaneki.” The white haired male looked over at Hide sitting on the bed from the mirror in the bathroom as he got ready for work. “You should… bring home some meat from work tonight.” There. He said it. Now that it was out in the open he was one step closer to facing this  _stupid_  fear.  

  
With one last brush to the front of his bangs, Kaneki shut the light off and walked over to Hide with an hand stretched out toward him. Hide held the hand in his as Kaneki squeezed gently.

  
“Are you sure?” There had to be at least three different emotions burning behind his silver eyes; concern, fear, maybe even a hint of sadness. The blonde squeezed Kaneki’s hand back in reply.

  
“My head says no but my stomach says ‘feed me!’ I can assure you that my stomach will probably win the argument.” He stood up and wrapped his arms around Kaneki before placing a gentle, chaste kiss to his lips. “You should go before you’re late. I heard the boss is extremely mean when his employees are late.”

  
“Oh yes,” Kaneki replied. “He’s very strict.” He let out a breathy laugh against Hide’s lips which probably  _shouldn’t_  have been as hot as it was.  _Clean thoughts Hide, think very very clean thoughts._

  
“Can’t lie though… he can be extremely sexy when he wants to be.” Okay, i t was very hard to think clean thoughts when he was still continuing to play along and threading their fingers together. “I think he picks favourites too.”

  
“Maybe you can tell me about these favourites later.”  _Dammit Kaneki, go to work._ With a smirk, Kaneki reaches up until his lips are just barely grazing the shell of his ear. “I hear he has a thing for  _blondes_.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
Some time later, after spending too many hours in front of the television and four cups of coffee to combat his sleepiness, Hide’s phone buzzed on the end table. Kaneki’s name popped up on screen with a text underneath it– one that definitely struck the blonde’s curiosity.

  
********

**Kaneki:** Business started slowing down. Once Nishiki finishes inventory we may close up early for the night.

 **Me:** GOOD. You can only be entertained for so long with just basic cable and movies. I’m so boooooored!

****

It wasn’t long before Kaneki texted him back; definite proof of how dead the coffee shop was because he never texted back that quickly. Ever. Not even when they were in high school.

****

**Kaneki:** _Get dressed and come here around 10:30. I have a surprise for you._

 **Me:** _Oh? Regular kind of get dressed or dressed to the nines? w(@。@;)w_

 **Kaneki:** _That’s up to you._

****

He looked at the clock. He had an hour to get changed, fix his hair and look like he could wow the socks off of Kaneki Ken without so much as really trying. The blonde skipped every other step on his way up the stairs and went through the pile of his clean clothes on the floor, the closet, and dug deep into the boxes for a variety of different shirts and slacks.

****

His boyfriend had something up his sleeve… Hide just _knew_ it.

****

For once his works clothes from the CCG proved to be helpful as he grabbed a black button down shirt with an orange tie and a pair of black pants. All he had to do after getting changed was deal with his hair, which he put into a half ponytail.

****

His appearance looked okay. Maybe he would be fortunate enough to wow at least one sock off Kaneki’s feet.

****

Once the clock struck 10:20 PM, Hide locked up the apartment and headed straight for the coffee shop. The usual ten minute walk was shortened to about five due to the fast paced, excited power walk that carried him from the apartment to the outside of the Hide-Away.

****

Which, just from the outside, he could see candles lighting up area surrounding the dining area and Kaneki doing something behind the counter. His attention was directed at whatever he was working on and Hide didn’t know whether or not to just make his presence known and walk in early, or wait for Kaneki to finish up. Kaneki must have sensed him though, and steel coloured eyes rose up from the work space to meet his.

****

He crossed the empty street and opened the front door slowly.

****

“Ahh… I’m sorry. I’m a little early,” he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “...It looks really nice in here.”

****

“It’s okay,” Kaneki replied with a small smile. “And thank you.” He lifted two plates from the counter in front of him and brought them over to the table sitting in the dead center of the room. It was the only table in the dining room adorned with candles and a vase of sunflowers; the same vase from the incident with Tsukiyama. The plates held exactly what Hide expected and he tried to keep his cool at the sight of the blood that pooled around the meat. Kaneki walked over to him and wrapped his arms around the blonde’s neck before placing a quick kiss onto his lips.

****

“...Not that all of this isn’t really nice or romantic or anything, because it is and I love it… but what…” He didn’t know how to formulate his sentence; too torn between feeling overwhelmed with the effort Kaneki put into their evening, conflicted about what he was actually about to do, all while craving the meat sitting on the table. His stomach rumbled the second the smell invaded his nostrils.

****

Kaneki shrugged. “Well, you said you were hungry… a-and we never really went on an actual date before. So...might as well do both right?” With a smile he added, “Not everything about being a ghoul has to be _scary_...sometimes with a different perspective it’s not so bad.”

****

“...Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more cheesier...not that I’m complaining.” Slowly, he wrapped his arms around the other half ghoul and pulled him snug against him. If there was ever a moment he really wanted to pull out the infamous “L” word he wished he could have done right then and there. He knew for awhile about how he felt… but it was still too soon. Hide didn’t want to scare Kaneki away. Instead, he captured Kaneki’s lips into a kiss once more and let them linger closely for a moment before he felt Kaneki’s hand drag up from his neck and into his hair. He combed through the locks gently as he grinned against Hide’s mouth.

****

“Told you the boss picks favourites,” Hide remarked, voice barely above a whisper.

****

“He just has one favourite… maybe you’ve seen him?” Just two months ago, Kaneki would have been blushing by now, but he said his next set of words with such confidence that Hide’s brain didn’t know whether to comprehend it as confidently kind or just downright sexy. “He’s this beautiful blonde with brown eyes that makes him unbelievably happy.”

****

Maybe it was a good thing Kaneki didn’t blush as easily anymore, because Hide blushed enough for the both of them after hearing those words.

****

“Now…” Kaneki reached down to take Hide’s hand in his. “Shall we?”

 ******  
  
** ****


	21. Chasing Cars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter was supposed to end a /lot/ differently;; as in it was supposed to jump start us into the next arc. But nope. Someone was just craving the spotlight apparently, lol. 
> 
> ALSO I have to share this really amazing, wonderful, and downright beautiful art piece that was done by the super talented evermoredeath :D (http://evermoredeath.tumblr.com/post/132260729771/i-really-loved-this-scene-from-this-fic-and-i-had). It's based off a scene from the chapter "Stay Alive." Once again, thank you so much evermoredeath for creating such a beautiful picture <3.
> 
> Oh and I apologise to everyone for how long these next few chapters will probably take;; I'm going to try and make The Hide-Away my prime focus during this bad part of the year (this is typically when I have the worst luck with writing anything tbh) and I'll focus on my other fics once everything gets better <3.

Tsukiyama’s mansion, which used to feel welcoming at the very least not too long ago, now felt intimidating. With everything that happened Kaneki understood that Shuu was angry, but so was he. He couldn’t think of a single reason for why Shuu acted so harshly toward Hide, who is still practically a stranger to everyone in the group except for himself. Hide wasn’t in a place where he could protect himself yet and Kaneki didn’t want him to feel threatened in a place where he should feel he belongs. A few days passed before he decided to confront the Gourmet and he hoped with some time to cool down, he could find out why Shuu acted the way he did.

  
That and with how fragile Shuu’s state of mind has been as of late, Kaneki wanted to make sure that he didn’t send him spiraling  _backward_.

  
The taxicab finally pulled away from the mansion and made it’s way down the driveway when Kanae opened the front door with his eyes narrowed into slits. This was to be expected though.

  
“Shuu-sama doesn’t want to see you,” Kanae said, voice seething with venom. “You’ll have to call another cab I suppose, I’m too busy here to shuttle you back home.”

  
“I’m here to fix things, Kanae.” Kanae purple hues glinted briefly at the statement, before simmering back into anger.

  
“You? Help him? Is that another lie… are you going to hurt him again?”  _Hurt him_?

  
“That’s what I don’t understand… I don’t know why he’s so hurt. I would like to find out  _why_.”

  
The servant let out a heated sigh before briefly side eying the staircase. After a moment or so, he opened the door to allow himself room to go through and shut the door quietly.

  
“Let me start by saying that you are without doubt one of the most oblivious beings I have met in my  _life._ ” He gestured to the few steps leading to the front door. “Sit down while I spoon feed you all the obvious things you should have seen already.” The half ghoul did as he was told and together they both sat down side by side. Kanae leaned over to pick one of the roses growing on the side of the steps and inhaled the scent from it briefly before he began.

  
“You  _left_  him, Kaneki. I’m not sure why he’s grown to care so much for you, but he  _does_  and you left him. Regardless of if you have known or not, it does not matter. It destroyed him and-” His grip of the rose tightened. “there were nights after that… that he  _cried_  for you; wanted to at least have you forgive him for his transgressions. It hurt to see him like that and… I hated you for it. I hated you so much for hurting him that way and I  _still_  do.” Once he realized that he was squeezing too hard on the stem, Kanae relaxed his hold and frowned at the feel of it’s now broken stem. “Even with you being alive and him fighting alongside you… he feels outcasted still; on the outside looking in. Why else do you think he’s so depressed still?”

  
“…Kanae…it’s hard to trust someone who has tried to eat you in the past…someone that has hurt innocent people.” Like Kimi who got tangled up in the midst of chaos that Tsukiyama caused while pursuing Kaneki as a  _meal._

  
“Oh? And what of you then? You have a kakuja… you’ve eaten ghouls too, have you not?” He let out a humourless laugh. “Your argument is invalid, not to mention  _hypocritical_.” Kanae’s finger grazed along the velvet of the petal before handing it to Kaneki. “People are like flowers… we’re  _fragile_. We can only hold onto beauty for so long after we’re plucked until we wither away. You could get a vase at the very least… try to keep it vibrant for as long as possible.”

  
“Kanae-”

  
“Offer Shuu a vase, Kaneki-san. It’s the very least you can do since you’ve plucked him from the earth.” The servant stood up from the stoop and opened the front door wide enough so Kaneki could pass through. “Who knows… maybe I’ll hate you a little less.”

  
Kaneki, still clutching onto the thorned, broken flower in his hand, passed through into the foyer as Kanae closed the front door behind them. “You can go up on your own… you know where his bedroom is.” His bedroom… Kaneki didn’t want to ask, assuming he already knew the answer and dreading the thought of hearing it aloud. Shuu was probably back in bed again and just like Kanae had said in the past, it’s all his fault.

  
He didn’t blame Kanae for hating him; he would hate himself if he was in the butler’s shoes.

  
Slowly, he went up the ornate staircase and made his way to the closed bedroom door. He knocked softly against it and was expecting to hear nothing, but was surprised with Shuu opening the door himself. The taller male looked down at Kaneki with surprise which dwindled into something much sadder than Kaneki thought the Gourmet could ever muster up.

  
“We need to talk, Tsukiyama-san…” Kaneki folded his arms across his chest. “If you’re open to speaking of course.”

  
“I… won’t apologise for my actions.” Shuu replied before turning around to walk back into the room. A desk sat against the wall on the wall facing opposite his enormous bed and he sat down in front of it and took a sip from the mug sitting there. “There’s a chair next to the dresser if you’d like to take a seat. I’m looking over…” He stopped mid sentence and grabbed a pen to jot down notes on whatever was in front of him. “… _Salaud_.”

  
“What is it that you’re looking at…if you don’t mind me asking.” As soon as Kaneki pulled up a chair, Shuu quickly shut the manilla envelope and tucked it behind a few of his books.

  
“Just a few things that Chie sent over for me to look through.” The Gourmet let out a small sigh and lifted the mug again. “You came to talk… so speak. Unless of course you’re going to humour me with more of those wretched sunflowers…”

  
“You had that coming to you and you know it.” Kaneki wouldn’t dance around the topic at hand, especially since it was about Hide. “Nor does  _that_  warrant an apology either.”

  
“…Why are you here then, Kaneki-kun? I doubt you came here all this way to argue about apologies.”

  
“No…” Ken cracked his pointer finger following his answer and looked down at his lap. The last thing he ever expected was to be in this kind of situation with Tsukiyama and now that he was in one he didn’t know how to proceed with it. It was much easier when he learned from his naivety the first time and could keep himself away from Shuu. At one point he could probably trust Ayato Kirishima over Tsukiyama Shuu and he could have justified it with the fact that Ayato never tried to eat him. Hurt him, maybe… but he expected that from Ayato.

  
Ayato didn’t put up a friendly facade only to trick him later. It’s for that reason alone that Kaneki may never trust Shuu and then trying to eat him was something that made Ken keep him at an arm’s length.

  
Damn Kanae for twisting that around on him; damn him for making him realise that if Shuu was a monster, then so was he because he ate ghouls too.

  
“I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, though…” He glanced up at Shuu who met his gaze with curiosity. “Kanae elaborated on some things… I didn’t… I didn’t  _realise_  how badly I hurt you. Please understand that it wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to help Yoshimura-san and the others from Anteiku.”

  
“I do understand that… I understood it that night too.” The topic of conversation was making Tsukiyama outwardly uncomfortable. “My heart didn’t understand it, I guess.”

  
Kaneki couldn’t understand why he felt so unsettled by the topic;  _really_ unsettled. The look on Shuu’s face was literally killing him. He reached out a hand to rest over Shuu’s and gave him a sad smile.

  
“A lot has happened between the two of us and I don’t think anything could really fix that, but I’m willing to accept the fact that you’re, for the most part, a changed person.” He offered a gentle squeeze to the hand below his. “I have too many enemies, but you’ve done so much for the Hide-Away and our group… I would like to put aside what you’ve done in the past and move on.”

  
“..Kaneki…” Shuu was silenced with Kaneki shaking his head.

  
“I  _forgive_ you.” For the moment Kaneki could revel in the smile that practically spread ear to ear on his face; the first real one he has seen since Shuu walked back into his life.

  
“ _Merci_ …” He took Kaneki’s hand and placed a quick kiss onto his knuckles. “ _Merci, merci, merci_ …you don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to say that, Kaneki-kun.”

  
“Now… can you do something for me?” It was going to kill the moment, but it had to be asked. “Why do you hate Hide so much? What has he done to you…?

  
Nothing was said as the smile faded from Shuu’s lips as quickly as it appeared. He let out a long sigh and rubbed at his temples.

  
“I don’t trust him,” he said flatly. “He waltzed into the picture out of  _nowhere_ and quickly put down ties with you… he manipulated everyone into liking him… do you not find that the least bit  _fishy_?”

  
“He didn’t appear out of nowhe-”

  
“Then, I had Chie snoop around for some information-” The same file he was looking at earlier was pulled from underneath the books and handed over to the half ghoul, who took it. “That Salaud works for the fucking CCG, Kaneki-kun. He’s going to get all of us killed, or worse. I just  _know_ it.”

  
Kaneki looked down at the file as Shuu spoke and while he understood his intentions and why he acted the way he did now, he couldn’t stop himself from laughing hysterically.

  
“Shuu…” He tried to calm down his laughter as he pushed the envelope onto the desk. “I  _knew_  all of this. Hide is the son of Washuu Yoshitoki… he was basically given the job.”

  
“Why are you trusting him then!” Shuu exclaimed, standing up from the chair clearly exasperated from Kaneki’s reaction. “He’s a danger to us all, why do you find this so  _funny_?”

  
“The idea of Hide being a danger to anyone, much less  _me_  is a laughable concept… Shuu, Hide has been my friend since I was a kid. I trust him with my _life_.” Or rather, Hide wasn’t dangerous when it came to fighting and that would soon change with a little bit of training. It’s Hide’s mind that could prove to be the real threat, but Shuu didn’t need to really know about that right now. Shuu sat back down, clearly mind boggled.

  
“What if he’s a double agent?”

  
“Clearly you’ve been watching too much TV,” Kaneki repled with a shake of his head. “Hide is just Hide, Shuu. Maybe now that you know that much you can go and make amends?”

  
“Or I’ll watch all our backs in case he decides to show his true colours.”

* * *

  
Because he fixed things between Shuu and himself, Kanae deemed Kaneki worthy enough of a ride back to the apartment. It was empty which was to be expected since Hide was at work and spent the time apart to pick up  _after_  his messy boyfriend who had something out of place in every single room.

  
He forgot what a slob Hide could really be.

  
Once he was done, he pulled one Hide’s shirts from the box and brought it up to his nose. The scent was  _off_  compared to what he was used to now, but it still offered the same calming feeling that he always used to get. Just as he was about to slip under the covers, he heard someone knock at the front door. Kaneki let out a sleepy groan of protest and figured Hide forgot his keys or there was help needed at the coffee shop and shuffled down the steps.

  
There was another insistent knock at the door and he paused in place because it wasn’t  _Hide_ ’s knock; this one was urgent but  _lighter_. His hand curled around the doorknob slowly and his eyes widened once he saw who was standing in his doorway.

  
_No_.

  
“You shouldn’t keep a woman waiting, Kaneki-kun.”  _Her voice_. It was the same daunting tone that haunted him for so long and now it was real…  _she_  was real. No longer a hallucination in his mind.

  
_How_ _ **hilarious**_ _…_ The Centipede chuckled in the back of his mind as Kaneki took in the sight of long, purple locks and a pair of violet coloured eyes to match. A smirk settled on her lips in a playful manner as she looked him up and down.

  
“R-Rize…san.” He couldn’t properly say her name; his voice tried to lock and it was hard to say anything at all.

  
_Look at how real she is, Kaneki… maybe_ _ **I’m**_   _real too._

  
She let out a small chuckle as she moved closer and reached her hand out to cradle his head in her touch. It felt like it was burning against his skin.

  
“Long time no see, Kaneki-kun.”

  
He wants her to go away; to turn around and leave from wherever she came from. It’s not so much that she scares him… no. She  _intimidates_  him and maybe the idea of her never really stopped doing so. It was more so the fact that he has defeated her already… in his mind at least. Kaneki tore at her flesh and ate and ate and consumed and became stronger because her, but now that she stood in front of him was that invalid? Why was she in town to begin with?

  
“Dammit Rize, I told you to  _wait_.” Kaneki looked down the sidewalk and some of it made sense when he realised who was speaking to her. “I should have put a stupid leash on you.”

  
“You’re naive if you honestly believe a leash could hold me.” She smiled at the thought for a moment before adding, “Unless that’s the kind of thing you’re into.” Touka paid no mind to what Rize told her and moved closer so she could pull Kaneki into a hug.

  
“I’m sorry for the sudden intrusion,” she muttered. “In  _her_  case at least… Nishiki said that you needed me, but she insisted that she tag along.”

  
“A girl’s gotta stretch her legs,” Rize replied with a shrug as she pushed past Kaneki to get inside the apartment. The half ghoul outwardly shook at the touch which didn’t go unnoticed by his former coworker.

  
“She won’t hurt you or any of the humans here.” Kaneki moved aside so Touka could go inside too, and he shut the door behind her. “I told her if she tried anything funny that I’d skin her alive, plus I’m going to keep an eye on her.”

  
“…Um… yeah that’s fine.”  _Pull yourself together_. “It’s… nice to see you again, Touka-chan.”

  
“You too, but I can’t stay long so you should probably tell me what it is you need my help with.”

* * *

  
Hide came home a few hours later to a quiet, unlit apartment which didn’t make him feel at all concerned until he went upstairs. Kaneki laid down on their bed staring into pitch black darkness until Hide turned the light on. He winced from the sudden light and curled an arm around his face to block it out.

  
“Ah, sorry Kaneki… were you sleeping?” He heard Hide click the light switch back off and shuffle closer. He flinched when he felt Hide’s hand in his hair; combing through the white, thin locks. Once he was able to calm down and remind himself that it was Hide and not the tormentor from his mind trying to play its trick on him, he let out a small sigh and scooted back so Hide could have some room.  “Is something wrong? Did… did  _I_  do something wrong?”

  
“No…” Of course he didn’t, what could he have done wrong? His boyfriend wraps his arms around Kaneki and he pulled him close to his chest.

  
“Something  _is_  wrong though.” A kiss was planted onto Kaneki’s forehead. “Talk to me, Kaneki. What’s going on.”

  
“I’m just tired,” Physically, emotionally and definitely mentally. “I think that… living happily will never happen. It’s always taken from me… like life doesn’t want me to have a good beginning, middle and end. I’m just fed good moments and then plunged into unhappiness again and I’m just so…” His real answer is that he’s done. His breaking point was reached a long time ago and now with the hallucinations and Rize stepping back into his life like she had never really left it in the first place, he just wanted to cash in his cards. Game over. “I want normal, Hide. Normal, happy, and safe. Why is that so hard for me to have? Did I do something wrong when I was human? Is this the universe’s way of punishing me somehow?”

  
“Where has all this come from?” Hide placed his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders and rubbed circles into the skin with his thumbs. “Kaneki…did Tsukiyama say something to you? You seemed okay this morning before I left for work and…”

  
“It wasn’t him… it was.”  _It_. “Rize is here… in town. With Touka. I thought I was over what happened…”

  
“She’s not going to hurt you again.” Hide squeezed the other half ghoul’s shoulders. “You’re so much stronger than you used to be… she’d be foolish if she tried to hurt you again.”

  
“That’s not it.” Kaneki pushed Hide’s hands away and sat up on the bed, leaning back against the wall. “…That’s… it’s not true.” There was so way he could tell Hide about what was going on in his own head, nor did he really know how to approach the topic. He didn’t even know how to deal with it _himself_.

  
Yet, he was so tired of having to deal with it on his own.

  
“Of course it is… you’re one of the strongest people I know.”

  
“I’m not  _strong_  to begin with!” The tone of his voice only increased the tiniest bit, but it was enough for Hide to jump from the sudden change. “Don’t you see… I never  _was_!” He cards his fingers through his hair and holds in a frustrated breath as Hide’s worried expression changes to one of a worried concern.

  
“You are to me…” Hide’s voice sounds weak, strained and  _quiet_  in comparison to Ken’s outburst. His brown eyes are downcast as he picks at the wearing fabric of their blanket. “You always have been strong.”

  
Kaneki swallowed thickly and scooted forward so he could get off the bed.

  
“I wish that was true… the truth of the matter is that it’s not.” A harsh laugh escaped his lips before he looked down at Hide. “To think that I thought I could help out the ghouls of this town when I’m beyond saving myself…”

  
“…Kaneki… I don’t understand why you’re being like this or where this is really coming from. You’re starting to really worry me.” Hide got up from the bed and wrapped his arms around Kaneki. His embrace was tight and warm; he was like an anchor trying to hold the ghoul in place from the rest of the world that was currently troubling him. “Does Rize really freak you out that much?”

  
_Not as much as I scare myself_.

  
“You have no idea,” he replies as he wraps his arms around Hide and returns the hug. “A lot of stuff scares me.”

* * *

  
The following day they both went to the coffee shop and Kaneki realised that Hide remained close to him more often than before; especially with Rize sitting in the dining room with Touka across from her. Touka couldn’t bring up much about Hide’s kagune with Shiori sitting at the bar, happily chatting with Kurona who gave him the smallest of smiles every so often as she waited on him. Hide studied both Shiori and Rize with mild interest as he put the dishes away, like he couldn’t figure out who intrigued him more. Kaneki just let him do what he wanted; usually there was a reason for his people reading.

  
Kurona finished up his order sometime later and went to greet a new table that just walked in when Hide moved over to stand in front of Shiori.

  
“You’re that Shiori guy that Nishio-san always talks about, huh?” When he nodded, Hide grinned and held out his arm. “I work here too. My name is Hideyoshi.”

  
“N-nice to meet you,” Shiori replied. “Have you worked here long?”

  
“Nah, not really. Only about a month or two so far… but it’s nice for the most part.” Brown eyes glance down at the book sitting next Shiori’s plate and Kaneki watched as Hide’s eyes practically sparkled in more curiosity. “Whatcha reading there, Shiori?”

  
“It’s a book about ghouls.”

  
“Ghouls huh?” The blonde reached out to take the book in his hands and study the cover with a look of curiosity and then flipped it over to skim the back cover. “Do you have an interest in them?”

  
“Something like that.” Shiori holds out a hand to take the book back and placed money onto the counter and waited for Kurona to go back behind the counter. “I’ll see you tomorrow!” Once the human left, Kurona rolled her eyes and picked up the money and cleaned off the plates.

  
Kaneki went back to finishing up the dishes when Hide came over and started helping, but not before holding up a folded note. What was said inside made Kaneki raise a brow.

  
‘ _Shiori isn’t innocent… he’s been watching you and Kurona like a hawk.’_

  
_Wonderful_ , Kaneki thought to himself before putting away the last cup. As if they all weren’t dealing with enough as it was, now that had to worry about an obsessed stalker? He could only hope that Hide was just grasping at straws, but knowing how good he was at reading people…

 

“I’ll tell everyone to watch their backs around him,” Kaneki replied in a hushed whisper as his attention drifted back over to Rize. She was looking down at a book in her hands as Touka sat across from her writing stuff down in a notebook. Just seeing her was making his skin crawl. “Can you and Kurona cover the front? I need some time to figure things out.” His thumb grazed across his chin. “…There’s a lot of bills and-”

  
“Say no more!” He patted Kaneki’s shoulder with a smile. “Go get some work done.”

  
He placed a chaste kiss on the blonde’s lips and went into the back and up the stairs to his office. Just being alone in the sanctuary of his office made him feel like he could breathe much easier and sinking into his office chair shouldn’t have felt so relaxing.

 

Kaneki didn’t know what he was going to do for the next week that Touka and Rize would be visiting and the lack of inner strength he was experiencing was literally tearing away at him.

  
“You’ve always been weak, Ken.” Someone snickered behind him before moving to stand in front of his desk.  _Figures_.

  
“Leave me alone! What do you want from me!” One day… he just needed one day where he was being tormented by something or someone.

  
“I want  _control_ ; did I not make that clear beforehand?” The black haired vision smirked before hopping up onto the desk to face Kaneki. “I want you to let me out again.”

  
“I will never willingly give up any power to you…” His eyes narrowed into slits and he hoped he was getting through to…  _it_. “Do you hear me?  _Never_. Haunting me won’t change anything.” Slowly, he stood up from the chair and leaned forward so he was nose to nose with the figment whose smirk only grew in excitement. “ **I’m**  the one in control here, now go crawl back into whatever part of my head that you came from and get the  **fuck**  out of my life.” His heart was beating fast in his chest even though he was trying to look unafraid and for a moment, it seemed like it would work. Centipede stared at him for a couple minutes in silence before letting out a low laugh.

  
“You’re still  _so_  afraid of me… did you honestly think, being that we’re one in the same, that I couldn’t sense your fear.” He leaned over to kiss Kaneki’s nose with a sadistic smile. “You’re not strong enough to keep me at bay anymore.”

* * *

 

Kaneki needed distraction and the blonde’s lips on the hollow of his neck was exactly what he needed. A moan escaped his lips at the feel of teeth teasing his skin as Hide continued to create marks into his flesh that would fade to nothing in the span of a few hours.

  
Hide let his mouth graze up upward until he got to Kaneki’s mouth; teeth nipping lightly at his bottom lip. Kaneki ran his hands up over the top of the blonde’s shirt and latched onto the fabric.

  
“I…” Kaneki’s cheeks heated over what he was about to say; what he  _wanted_ and chose instead to flip them both over so he was on the top. He straddled Hide’s lower body and gently rolled his hips down to gain the sinful friction that he was so desperately craving. Just as Kaneki reached down to drag Hide’s shirt up his torso, the blonde froze and gripped at his boyfriend’s wrists.

  
“I… I can’t.” Hide looked away from Kaneki’s hurt expression.

  
“Why  _not_?” Hide has done this plenty of times already and his sudden coldness in the heat of their actions on more than one occasion was starting to not only upset Kaneki, but hurt him too. “What is it that I’m doing  _wrong_?”

  
“Nothing!” Hide feigned hurt as Kaneki rolled over to sit next to him on the bed.

  
“What is it then, Hide? This happens every time I try to touch you… it’s like you don’t want me to and…” Hide cupped Kaneki’s face in his hands and moved so they could meet eye to eye. “It’s too much whiplash.”

  
“It’s. Not. You.” Hide replied, making sure to punctuate each and every word so Kaneki could fully get his message across. There were tears in Hide’s eyes, and he reached up to take both of Hide’s hands away from his face and into his grasp. “…I want us to move forward, I do. I want nothing more than to experience things with you. I’m just…” His lip quivered and he took a deep breath.

  
“Hide… the last thing I want to ever do is push you-”

  
“You’re not  _pushing_  me. I want this as bad as you do.” His thumb stroked against Kaneki’s cheekbone and it was Ken couldn’t help but wonder why Hide was trying to comfort him. Clearly Hide was hurting over this too. “I don’t want to make excuses, but at the same time I don’t know what to say that doesn’t sound like one.”

  
“You should just say it.” He brought his hands over Hide’s and pulled them away from his face and into his grasp. “I don’t want you to ever feel uncomfortable around me…that’s not something I ever wanted.”

  
“I…” The blonde’s eyes slid closed as he released a sigh. “I have… _really_  bad scars; the kind that even  _I_  don’t want to see. Call me vain if you want, but it’s just something I can’t stand and it’s not something you should have to look at.”

  
_Scars_? Kaneki watched as Hide’s eye contact dropped away from him.

  
“Scars aren’t such a bad thing.”

  
“They are when they’re  _ugly_.” Hide’s voice shook as he furrowed his brows. “They are when they’re on you because of somebody tried to kill you… and then doctors just added more on top of them.” He scratched the back of his head nervously and Kaneki watched as a frown settled onto his lips. “I know… that when we got together… you weren’t expecting me to be like this and I’m so sorry I am. I wish I could be the same person you remember me being.”

  
“…It kills me that you still feel like you have to apologise.” Kaneki reached out to take Hide’s hand in his. It was such a miniscule act in comparison to a hug or really anything that they were doing moments beforehand, but it carried so much weight. This was Kaneki reaching out to Hide without giving him a reason that he wanted something  _more_. It was him trying to make Hide feel relaxed around him with no judgement. “Things have changed with you and that’s okay… I don’t want you to feel like you have to be someone you’re not.” Kaneki thought bitterly about how much he wished someone could have told him that because he knew how hellish having to live that way was. “We don’t have to rush into anything you’re not ready for.”

  
“I am ready… it’s just the scars.”

  
“Hide…” Kaneki scooted up toward the top of the bed and leaned against the headboard.  Once he was settled, he held an arm open as an unspoken invitation for the blonde which he accepted. Hide rested his head on top of the other half ghoul’s chest. “…for what it’s worth, which is probably not much, but even without having seen your scars before I already like them.”

  
“But they’re-”

  
“Ugly?” Kaneki cut him off and he smiled when Hide sat up to look at him. “They’ll never be ugly to me. They’re proof that you’ve healed…that you survived. They’re proof that you’re stronger than whatever tried to hurt you…” He leaned over to place a gentle kiss onto Hide’s lips. “They’re proof that you lived to tell the tale.”

* * *

  
The morning shift on Saturdays were always busy, but it was Hide’s first busy shift where he could barely pull himself from the weeds of tired customers and little mistakes. Kaneki sympathised for him and even had to remove himself from staying behind the counter to take a few of the tables over so Hide could have it a little easier. A lot of the customers were thankfully regulars and knew that his boyfriend was a new employee and many wished the blonde better luck for his next busy shift.

  
Nishiki came into The Hide-Away around noon as Hide was just finishing up taking care of his second to last table and immediately started chuckling.

  
“What’s so funny?” Hide demanded with a pout, folding his arms across his chest.

  
“S-sorry man!” Nishiki let out a few more chuckles before he went behind the counter and grabbed one of the aprons. “You just look like you’ve been to hell and back… that and you really need to do something about your  _hair_.”

  
“I  _know_!” The blonde threw his hands up in defeat and side eyed his table, who were now chuckling at the exchange. “Roots man! They’re the absolute worst!”

  
“Don’t remind him, Nishio-senpai,” Kaneki joined in, keying in the last item for his own table into the register as he printed out their bill. “He’s been whining about his hair for the past two days.” Once he slipped the paper into the check holder, he went over to his table and thanked them as he placed it into his guest’s hand.

  
“Well  _someone_  said they wouldn’t help me.” Hide stuck his tongue out at the other half ghoul.

  
“No. I said I would do your hair once you learn how to control your…”  _Kagune_. He couldn’t say it in front of the customers, but he said enough for Nishiki and Hide to know what he was implying. Luckily for him, Touka said she would handle his training after his work shifts every day until she had to leave.

  
“See? My hair is forever doomed! Get used to this gentlemen because the two toned hair will be a permanent reminder of my defeat.” As he walked behind the counter, he knew his arm over his eyes. “I will wallow in the depths of my despair for the rest of my existence!”

  
“Drama queen,” Nishiki replied, rolling his eyes. Just as he was about to say more, the bell on to the front door jingled and, well, speak of the devil and  _she_ shall appear.

  
Or rather, the she-devil and Touka Kirishima because Rize in any sense would always represent something evil in Kaneki’s mind. Her presence enough was enough to still the trio into a stunned silence. Even the guests looked over to openly stare at the new girl who entered the cafe in curiosity before turning back to each other and continue their discussions.

  
“Kaneki-kun… this place is so precious.” Rize’s comment was drenched with undertone that Kaneki didn’t trust. He merely nodded in reply before turning to Hide.

  
“Nishiki can take over your table. Go upstairs with Touka.” His tone was not as vibrant as it just was and he could already feel the Centipede clawing it’s way back up to the surface.

  
“Kaneki…?” As soon as Hide pulled the apron over his head he walked over to the white haired male and placed his hands onto the other male’s shoulders. “Hey man… are you okay?” Kaneki managed to nod his head as he cracked his middle finger before grazing it across his chin.

  
“I will be… I’ll just go up in the office and work on stuff until it passes.”  _Anything to get away from her._  Hide stared at him with narrowed eyes in clear disbelief in what he had said to him, but found it in himself to allow the subject to be dropped (and brought up again later on). He watched as Hide and Touka went into the backroom and stripped himself of the apron. “I’ll be back down soon.”

  
“Or whenever I’m done with him.” Kaneki let out a sigh when he opened the door and saw the figment standing in front of the couch. He waited in place with a smile on his face and a playful gleam in his eye; something more vicious than Rize’s presence could even muster. Once the door was closed, Kaneki looked at him with his eyes narrowed into slits. There was nothing he could say to make the figment leave and he remained in silence as he went up the staircase. “What? Nothing to say?”

  
Kaneki’s body language already gave so much away and the Centipede knew it; how the use of their voice was sending shivers down Ken’s spine or how looking at him made him sick.

  
“Oh Ken… your control is slipping again. What will you do once I rise back to the surface, hm?” Centipede smiled as Kaneki turned away from him and sat down in his chair. He climbed onto the top of the desk and waited for Kaneki’s pulse to quicken. “There’s that fear again…”

  
_Leave me alone_.

  
“I want to kill again… I want to feel bones snap in my grasp… I want to have someone’s else’s blood drench my fingers.” It got harder for Kaneki to breathe when it was telling him all of these things. “I want to sink my teeth into flesh feel satiated… the flesh of innocents.” Once he’s heard enough and knew he couldn’t handle anymore, Kaneki slid his eyes closed and counted.  _One thousand minus seven is nine hundred and ninety three… nine hundred and eighty six… nine hundred and seventy nine…_

  
_Nine hundred and seventy two…_

  
_Nine hundred and sixty five…_

  
_Nine hundred and fifty eight…_

  
“N-nine hundred and fifty one.” He slid his thumb over his ring finger and cracked his knuckle as he continued to recite the numbers and got into the low six hundreds before someone finally came up to check on him.

  
“Oh… and what is that we have  _here_?”  _No. Not her please._

  
“Six… six hundred t-twenty nine…” The soft and slow clacking of high heels against hardwood drew closer to him and he felt his breath stutter out when he felt a hand touch his shoulder.

  
“Don’t  _touch_  me.” What he wanted coming out as a threatening command came out as a weak plea instead. The female retracted her hand slowly, but didn’t move an inch away from the male.

  
“Is that a command, Kaneki-kun?” Kaneki opened his eyes and looked at Rize with the harshest expression he could muster. “If so that was the weakest one I’ve ever heard… and I’ve heard  _plenty_.”

  
“What do you want from me?” There had to be a reason why she wanted to tag along with Touka and he was getting sick of not knowing what it was. If he never saw her again after this he wouldn’t miss her because she was indirectly responsible for how horrible his life has been for the past couple of years.

  
“I want a lot of things,” she told him matter-of-factly before moving to lean against the desk. “I want someone begging for their life as I slowly and gradually strip it from them. I would love to leave Tokyo and never return because I assume the hunt is far more exciting in other cities. Those are a couple among many things, but I don’t find it necessary to tell you everything.” She raised a brow at him and smirked. “Why would you think I’d want something from you anyway?”

  
“Because you’re in my town.”

  
“It was a free vacation,” she quipped with a small laugh. “I can assure you that I had little to no interest in seeing you.” She gave him a once over and drank in the slight of Kaneki’s obviously disturbed form. “Especially not like  _this_.”

  
“Like what?” he questioned as she gave him an incredulous look.

  
“A mirror could answer most of that question,  but I’m sure the totality of it sinks deeper than general appearance, hm? I mean why else would you be counting backwards in a room by yourself? Something has made you mentally disturbed.” She hummed in thought as a smirk settled on her lips. “How pathetic… a pathetic waste.”

  
“…You’re right,” Kaneki replied, voice much quieter.

  
“I know I am… why else do you think I preyed on you?” With one last glance over, Rize sat up from the desk and strolled over to the door. She paused with her hand over the handle and looked back. “It’s survival of the fittest in this world, Kaneki-kun… and you’re just barely kicking.”


	22. --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a few things regarding this chapter. This is my first time ever really having a huge focus on the CCG team. I tried my hardest to keep everyone in character (especially Urie) and I sincerely hope I did everyone justice. If anyone has any pointers or sees something wrong in terms of characterization please drop me an ask on my writing blog. Also I apologise for the lack of HideKane in this part because I’m sure everyone is looking for more of that lol. Also I’m sorry for the shitstorm that’s about to take place. This is a teaser of the hell that is about to come into the story.

_This is dumb_.

  
It was the only thought to really cross Urie’s mind as he sat at a round table surrounded by other higher ranked investigators. They were all called in to finalise plans and battle strategies for the upcoming raid behind Aogiri Tree lines, but it’s all been wasted on heated arguments regarding Takizawa Seidou and whether or not to kill him or make him a prisoner of Cochlea.

  
That, and the One Eyed Owl and how to exterminate it once and for all.

  
Urie didn’t want to waste any more time or breath on the matter; he had a squad that he had to prepare for the mission. There was a high chance of casualties and it was his first time dealing with such an intense mission; a mission he believed could really get him up the corporate ladder if he played his cards right.

  
“It’s a kakuja,” Akira Mado argued in her usual monotone, matter-of-fact voice. “Think of how useful it would be as a  _quinque_.”

  
“We had the chance to have another quinque kakuja, remember?” Shimoguchi rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. “But we wasted that cell on a ghoul who went off and probably died in a ditch somewhere.”

  
“He was going to die anyway.” Arima’s voice was much quieter than anyone who spoke so far. “I could care less of how it was done… just as long as it was. We could have used his half kakuja for another weapon, but he was allowing us to use him for testing on far more  _pressing_ matters. Hideyoshi Nagachika is alive now because of that ghoul’s efforts.”

  
“Alive? We have no clue what happened to that kid!” Clearly Shimoguchi was looking to step on some toes during the meeting and he peered over to Yoshitoki Washuu who was clearly gritting his teeth over just the mention of his son.

  
“We’re here to talk about the raid,” Urie finally said, standing up from the chair. “If that’s not on the agenda, then I clearly have a squad to prepare and don’t have time to discuss such a trivial matter.” He side eyed the oldest of the Washuu clan. “With all due respect, of course.” It was a lie, but if he ever wanted a promotion he would have to kiss some ass along the way.

  
“We’ll pick this up tomorrow,” Matsuri cut into the meeting.

* * *

  
“How’d the meeting go?” Shirazu was the first to greet him when he came into the front door of the Chateau; sitting up from the couch from his laying position to peer at him from over the back of the couch.

  
“It didn’t go anywhere.” Urie toed his shoes off at the door and came into the quiet of the living room, which he found to be a surprise since Saiko seemed to like carting her game systems downstairs to blast it on the TV. Good though; the quiet was nice.

  
“We trained without ya today.” The blonde offered Urie a shark toothed grin. “Mutsuki is startin’ to do really well… Saiko on the other hand-” He didn’t even have to finish that sentence because they both knew. Saiko would never change no matter how hard they tried. Urie was like a drill sergeant on most days trying to get her to go to work but then she would lose herself in the world of video games and weird anime.

  
“Saiko needs a stricter lifestyle around here,” Urie replied. “You all do. Mutsuki is still too much of a chicken shit to fight well when it’s needed most, Saiko needs to actually go to work and be productive and you…” Urie rolled his eyes. “Do you even know what it takes to be a squad leader? You’re too  _easy_  on them. It’s no wonder nothing ever changes with them.”

 

At first, Shirazu said nothing. He sat on the couch for a long moment and stared off into space with his brows furrowed like he was trying to understand what Urie had just said to him. The mentor was just about to walk into the kitchen and make some food for himself, before Shirazu came up to him and looked him right in the eye.

  
“No. This team is gettin’ worse because of  _you._ ”  _Who does this idiot think he is_? “Hideyoshi has been gone for almost three months and this team has been fallin’ apart ever since. It ain’t because of me; I’ve been tryin’ my damndest to get to know everyone better and work as a team, but you?” The blonde let out a humorless snort. “All you care about is yourself. I’m not takin’ the blame for you anymore… pick someone else to be the squad leader.”

  
A shrug fell onto Urie shoulders and Shirazu narrowed his eyes into slits at the gesture before storming up the stairs. A loud slam followed after that and he knew that one of the others would come out and question him about it later. The only thing Urie was concerned about was who would be able to fill the role that Shirazu was leaving behind because both candidates were not prepared for so much responsibility.

  
Just as Urie was about to ponder over the role of squad leader while making his dinner, a soft knock sounded at the front door and Urie openly groaned in protest.

 _What now_?

  
He went over to the front door and was met with a man he has never met before and said nothing as he waited for the gentlemen to introduce himself. He eyed the crest of the CCG on his lab coat with curiosity and then the smile on the stranger’s face.

  
“Are you Kuki Urie?” he asked.

  
“Who’s asking?” he inquired, raising a brow as he glanced down at the briefcase sitting the other male’s feet.

  
“My name is Doctor Kameyama Yasuoka; I’m one the specialists that work in Cochlea. Would you mind chatting with me for a bit? I promise I won’t take up much of your time.” The doctor noticed the special interest Urie was taking in the briefcase and his eyes twinkled in glee. The Quinx squad mentor looked back over his shoulder at the open doorway as he checked to see if the other Quinx were listening in at the top of the stairs before closing it behind him.

  
“What do you want?”

  
“I need someone who can help me with my tests and the products I made in regards to weapons used by the CCG.” Doctor Kameyama peered over his shoulder at the passerbys and waited a moment before continuing. “The CCG doesn’t approve of what I’ve created… I want to prove to them that this can be the best future technology that we have to offer when it comes to exterminating such… vermin.”

  
“What makes you think that I’m going to go against CCG protocol to help you out? I’m an investigator, not some rat.” The doctor grinned in reply and picked up the briefcase. “You can’t sway my decision with some sort of special quinque.”

  
“It’s not a quinque,” the doctor replied and offered it over to the Quinx Squad mentor. “It’s much more than that. Go ahead and look for yourself.”

  
So curiosity bit the cat; it’s been nibbling at Urie’s brain since he saw the case in the first place. He looked over at the doctor once last time before sliding his fingers over the golden buttons and clicked it open. What he glanced down at wasn’t a quinque; the doctor wasn’t lying about that. Instead it resembled something that looked more like a tranquilizer gun. A few darts sat beside it in the compartment above it; green liquid resembling slime sitting inside the container. The gun itself was smaller in size which was most likely done so it could be concealed while in battle.

  
“I call it Project X… I haven’t come up with a clever name for it yet but it’ll be the most used weapon of the CCG soon enough.”  Urie wanted to snort. He wanted to say that Project X sounded like a stupid name for a useless weapon… if only he knew what the weapon actually  _did_. Instead, he closed it back up and tried to give it back. “No no… it’s yours. I want you to use it.”

  
“The CCG has plenty of tranquilizers already in use. What the hell is special about this?”

  
“It  _kills_  them… it does it slowly enough where most ghouls I’ve injected this into wished for death.” Kameyama shrugged and smirked. “I could offer this to another investigator if you don’t want it though… they’ll get all the glory and respect for taking down the dangerous ghouls.”

  
Glory? Respect? All things that could push Urie up the CCG ladder and land him a new promotion, but he would have to play dirty to get it. The pros and cons weighed heavily on his mind in that short time frame as he eyed the case housing the mysterious gun.

  
“I’ll think about it,” Urie stated and placed the briefcase by his feet. “I’m not saying I’ll use it but-”

“That’s enough for me,” Doctor Kameyama replied. “Just knowing it’s in the hands of someone who may one day use it to make the CCG better is good enough. It was nice speaking with you, Investigator Urie. I will be seeing you again very soon.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated, and typically fuels my brain to write more things.


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